I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve been in a fistfight. First there was the royal wedding, for which, for some reason, Catholics nationwide felt it necessary to show their colors as either pro- or anti-enthusiasm, even though the one and only type of social leper that the royal family has managed to exclude from its ranks is Catholics.
Then there was the beatification and Divine Mercy Sunday, a wonderful opportunity for the universal Church to make snippy remarks about supposedly holy people who hang around with Jews and Muslims.
Then, of course, Osama bin Laden got killed, and I wasn’t the only one who commemorated this profound turning point in history by rushing over to Facebook to yell at everyone else for the reaction they were likely about to have. This last kerfuffle received an extra jolt of flavor on the second day, when people sheepishly realized that Martin Luther King didn’t actually say that thing they said he said, any more than St. Francis actually said that thing about preaching by wiggling your eyebrows in a suggestive but charitable manner, or whatever it was he didn’t say.
For someone like me who reads the news, forms a strong opinion, makes that opinion extremely public, and then thinks about what I read, this past week has been just plain exhausting. Mercy me. Couple this overload of knee-jerk brain activity with the physical and emotional demands of springtime in New England (That baloney sandwich you dropped last winter in the driveway! Has it begun to spout? Will it bloom this year?) and I am just plain pooped.
And so, as a restful solace in these angst-fraught days, I offer to you the following story. I believe it’s news like this that can really bring people together, repair our sad divisions, and bind us as one people in a healing chorus of univocal assent. We can all join hearts and hands and with one voice say: HERE is a stupid idea.
Virginia church worships in the nude
Allen Parker, the pastor of Whitetail Chapel
WHITETAIL CHAPEL!
said, “Jesus was naked during some of his most important moments. When he was born he was naked, when he was crucified he was naked and when he arose he left his clothes in the tomb and he was naked. If God made us that way, how can that be wrong?”
With logic like that, how can anything in the world be wrong? This story just makes me feel so right.
Pastor Parker further stated that the church is family-oriented and the members are very involved in helping others.
HELPING OTHERS! Anybody else remember those eager longhorns from Home on the Range? “Hey, little lady, can I help you? Mayyybe we can help each other!”
Ah, me. This is what happens when you don’t have a Magisterium: nudie patootie in the pew-tie! I say to you, not even Solomon in all his glory stuck to the seats like one of these. Doesn’t this give you a little perspective when Catholics quibble about proper attire at Mass? Hang around for a service or two at the Whitetail
WHITETAIL!
Chapel, and you’ll perhaps lose some of your former gusto when aligning yourself with the “the demise of the floor-length lace mantilla marked the end of Christendom” crowd. The only thing that could have made this story more edifying would be if they were into snake handling.
SNAKE HANDLING!
What do they sing for a recessional hymn, “Jesus wants me for a sunscreen?” They better hope that balm in Gilead is at least SPF 55. I’m fairly sure there’s less emphasis on “clinging to the old rugged cross”—ouch. How about “There’s a wideness in God’s mercy, and in several other places as well!” “Thy word have I hid in my heart, having no available pockets.” Or that old Gospel favorite, “Out of a profound sense of discomfort when He sees the congregation, His eye is on the sparrow.”
Aw, go ahead. You know you have a joke to add, and it ain’t Lent anymore. Whaddaya got?
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I’m a terrible, terrible sinner… The first thing I could think of is: “Wow, he really IS the King of the Jews.”
Back in the 1990s, the Canadian Broadcasting Commission aired a sketch-comedy show by the comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall. There was this one sketch called “Naked for Jesus,” wherein this group and its adherents would go about urban areas in their nuddie-shorts proclaiming the, er, good news: “let’s get naked; naked for Jesus!” Your article reminded me of that just now.
Oh, my gosh. Simcha, brilliant.
According to the article you linked to, the chapel is part of a nudist resort:
“The Whitetail Chapel is part of the Whitetail Nudist Resort, the only year-round nudist resort in Virginia. It has been in existence since 1984 and is reported to be increasing. More than 10,000 people visit each year and the percentage goes up each year.”
So it’s not surprising they would find a justification for having their services in the nude, considering that they are part of a nudist colony. Or that the people attending would have no problemo with nakedness; they come to the resort specifically for the privilege of shucking their clothes. That said, the idea still gives me the heebie jeebies.
Do you think they have much to say on the subject of head coverings? ahem.
No worries about the pants debate, at least…
I’m laughing too hard at your hymn titles to come up with any of my own - but I bet my dh could help. I think this is the best article I have ever read.
“When he was born, he was naked”. We all were. Think about it. Was there an alternative? Ladies, could you imagine the experience of giving birth to a fully clothed baby? What if he was wearing shoes?! And would the clothes have been present from the moment of conception and then somehow grow as the baby grows? Would you have to remove them from the newborn and tossed them in the washer and dryer, or would you just leave them on to air dry? So much for the common sense of those who support nudity by saying that we are born naked.
“We are many paaaaaarts…and not a one is covered…”
“Be not afraid…of my ample midsection”
“Yaweh, I know you are near…I can feel your breath on my bare neck”
“Unless a grain of wheat shall fall…and be woven into a loincloth”
“Jesus, remember me…last time I was wearing a dress”
“Let all mortal flesh keep silent…no thwacking backsides on the pew”
“I danced in the morning with the breeze on my chest, when I am naked is when I dance the best…”
“Shall we gather at the river…and share a skinny dip?”
“Will you take off all your clothes if I but call your name? Will you see your neighbors nude and never be the same?”
“All are naked, all are naked, all are naked in this place!”
Oh, may my Southern Baptist grandfather forgive me but this sure brings a whole new meaning to Rock of Ages and Bringing in the Sheaves (sowing in the sunshine, sowing in the shadows, fearing neither clouds nor winter’s chilling breeze). Please tell me they don’t sing How Great Thou Art! That was his favorite and now I can only imagine it being sung with wide eyes of surprise and giggling.
My bod is an AWESOME bod!
Your story reminded me of an episode from the show “The Simpsons”, from a few years ago. Homer is training in clown school with Krusty the Clown and is riding one of the little tricycles when he somehow gets his clothes ripped off. After Homer gets off the trike, Krusty tells his assistant to “Burn that seat.”. Got me thinking, “Burn that Pew.” :)
Maria, those are awful. As in awfully good. I’m really glad I wasn’t drinking anything by the time I got to “all are naked in… this… place!!!”
This is not funny, particularly the first comment (after which I stopped reading). I have as much a sense of humor as the next guy but certain things, Sacred things, should never be subject of jokes.
Thank goodness they aren’t Catholic. If I ever heard a nude priest said “This is My Body” I could never take the Blessed Sacrament with a straight face again.
“And anyone who wishes to contend with you in judgment, and to take away your tunic, release to him your cloak also…and your underpants.”
“Anyone want some Purell???”
Um….yeah, AALLLLL over the seat, please….sheesh!
Sheesh! What ever happened to Christian charity? “and when they perceived themselves to be naked, they sewed together fig leaves, and made themselves aprons.” Guess they missed that bit, didn’t they? Do they do chapel aprons, you think?
My husband just had his appendix out - that this DID NOT HELP his pain.
ROFL. These comments are so funny (esp. the song lyrics redone) that I am through hyperventilating for the day.
@Jason: We and all our properties are created by God. If He didn’t have a sense of humor, we couldn’t have one either. Consider Mark 8:14-21. Jesus has to deal with disciples who (we like to think) are slower on the uptake than we would be. But would we? Didn’t He need a sense of humor to stay with their slowness in realizing the totality of His message? Enjoy laughter when appropriate. It is a gift.
TeaPot562
erma bombeck was right: if god meant for us to be nudists, he never would have invented wicker furniture.
@l.vellenga:
.
Nudist one: Have you read Marx?
.
Nudist two: Yeah, from these awful wicker chairs.
I have to stop reading you while drinking my morning coffee, just too messy.
thank you, Simcha and commenters, for some much-needed hilarity today!
But do the women wear chapel veils???
If I’d been drinking a beverage, it would have shot through my nosey. Thankfully, I’ve learned to take my Simcha dry.
To continue your awesome title Simcha…
“...all features great and smaallll!”
Isn’t there an obscure Canadian sect that strips naked as a form of protest?
“All the Ends on this Earth have seen the power of…” I’ll stop here.
Goodness. I wonder if this congregation has “Whatsoever you do” in its hymnals. Not only did that hymn have to change (for PC reasons) “brothers” to “little ones” and then “people,” but this group has to take out the whole line, “When I was naked you gave me your coat…” What on earth do they substitute? :)
But is God laughing? My mother used to say that the naked male body was proof that the good Lord has a sense of humor. I think my wife agrees with her. I’ll just wear clothes to church, thank you very much.
And thanks a lot—I had to come up with an answer to my 6-year-old’s question, Mama, why are you looking at that guy who doesn’t even have a shirt on?
I am trying to laugh quietly, my husband is sleeping, tears are running down my face. THANK YOU, some levity is indeed needed with all the stuff going on in this world.
@ Jason - The sacred things aren’t the subjects of the jokes. The nudists are the subjects of the jokes. And normally I’d never bother to say it, but the word image below is ‘behind22’ which is somehow the funniest thing (to me) of all.
White tail Chapel? These people need some tanning and to become multi-hued tail Chapel
I just hope they are not Pentecostal, that service would be too much!
Wait..I don’t get Joe’s joke!
If it is controversial I want to get the joke!
Corita, I don’t know if your kidding or not but in case you really want to know… God made a covenant with Abraham that required the circumcision of all males. Traditionally, you could tell a Jewish man from a Gentile by that bit.
Ugh. you’re not your
Can’t believe I feel the need to correct myself.
Sara, not ‘correct’...‘rectify’...
Michah, oops, my mistake. :)
LOL! Too funny. I think I just woke up the kiddo laughing out loud. Maria, loved the extra hymn titles. :)
How about “Lift high the cross to avoid splinters in sensitive places”
“Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, because I always sit in the back pew” “Turn your eyes upon Jesus and keep your hands to yourself” “Were you bare when they crucified my Lord?” You’re right, Simcha, this is fun!
If that reverend offers to give you a tour of the rectory, call the police.
Here I AAAAAAAAAMMMMM, LORD!
Uhm, whole new meaning to the phrase, “Let all mortal flesh keep silence.”
The readings are from the “Good Nudes for Modern Man” translation.
One bright side: Nobody in the congregation obsesses over the Pants vs. Skirts question.
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