Kids are not getting taught a very important lesson in life. At least not many of the kids here in the United States. Their school teachers, youth ministers, pastors, coaches and, most especially, their parents are dropping the ball on this one. And the dropped ball has caused two massive problems:
1) We have a lot of bad marriages (that aren’t really marriages) that end in divorce.
2) We have too few priests.
So what do kids need to be taught to fix these things? They need to be taught that their vocation needs to be discerned. And along with that, they also need to know:
1) What a vocation is.
2) What their options are.
3) How to discern it.
Most children grow up just assuming they will get married one day. And they never even consider (especially not seriously) the option of becoming a priest or entering the religious life (or even remaining an unmarried layperson). And truly, they never even consider if they’re called to marriage, either. They simply assume it. And while most people are clearly called to marriage, to assume as much does a great disservice to both marriage and the religious life - to both families and to the greater Church. And at the most basic level it does a great disservice to the child.
Our vocation is the practical call in our life that brings about our sanctification and gets us to heaven. It’s kind of a big deal.
And it seems that many parents haven’t really encouraged their kids to even consider the priesthood or religious life (you know, so the next generation can receive the sacraments?). And in the process they’ve presented a kind of “default” option: marriage. Meaning that by default when the time is right you just get married…requiring no real discernment at all. Not only does this approach lead to terrible marriages, broken families and a lot of heartache for people and society, but it also leads to a lack of priests and religious. So why are parents failing to teach this important lesson to children?
Well maybe they only have one or two kids and vows of celibacy would lessen the chances of grandkids. Well, that’s understandable, but ultimately selfish.
Maybe they think the life of a priest is hard, and they don’t want that burden on their kids. But guess what’s a much heavier burden on your kid? Choosing the wrong vocation. Not following God’s call. I think we should worry much more about that. Oh, and - news flash - marriage is pretty hard, too (especially when it’s not properly discerned and set up for failure from the beginning).
Maybe they don’t have faith that what God wants for their child is truly what’s best for them. And that God will always provide enough grace to persevere no matter what challenges our children face in life. We need to teach them to accept that grace, not to run from their vocation.
Or maybe they just think that priests and religious are weird. And that it’s unnatural and a waste of life to deny one’s self a spouse or to take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. But I think anyone who really thinks that just hasn’t hung out with enough amazing priests.
A few recommendations for such parents:
1) Share your own story of discernment with your kids. Develop such relationships with them that they’re willing to open up to you about their own discernment.
2) Teach them what a vocation is and that it is something you are actively called to by the Creator of the universe Himself, not something you fall into by default or convenience.
3) Teach them how to pray and to discern God’s will in their lives. And you can start by practicing with them on smaller matters when they are small.
4) Hang out with other families who have great marriages. Oh, and make sure you have an amazing marriage yourself.
5) Hang out with some great priests and religious. Make them a part of your life.
6) Don’t be scared of your kids choosing a vocation. Be scared of them choosing the wrong one.
7) Don’t worry, trust God and pray for your children every day. It’s your job to get them to heaven.
In the end, living the vocation one is called to is what leads to the most peace and joy in life. If you want that for your kids, then also have the courage and care to teach them how to do it.
Comments
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Thank you for this article. I’m an adult convert, never called to marry, nor religious life. Even though you didn’t include the unmarried vocation ( that is, single outside religious life ), I think it’s still a good article. Young folk need to know these things. I just wish the vocation of being unmarried lay person would be included and addressed more.
Great article. I’m in college now, and almost all of my friends were raised just assuming they’d all get married one day. It seems like it’s really an uphill battle to get anyone in my generation to consider that God isn’t calling them to marriage and/or that religious or single life would actually be more fulfilling than marriage-by-default. On the other hand, I have four friends in seminary now, and I cannot imagine how anyone could look at how joyful they are and not wonder if maybe this is the same sort of joy God is calling them to.
There is nothing like the truth to make the day. This is another terrific article that should be given to every Bishop, parish and “Catholic” school. Thank you. +JMJ+
Wonderful article! I have been intentional in talking with with my oldest son, now 9, about remaining remaining open to the priesthood, and have stressed what an amazing life that would be if he’s called to it. I don’t get credit for this because it became apparent to me by the time he was about 5 that he might be called, that he would be a wonderful priest, so I have been careful to talk about vocations in a way I might not have thought about otherwise. He definitely knows what a vocation is!
I will do the same with my younger son as he gets older too. I stress to them how proud their father and I would be if they were called to the priesthood. It’s important as you said to pray that they remain open to whatever God has called them to, not just to what you want for them.
Denita - thanks for pointing out the oversight. I didn’t mean to overlook those who may be called to neither marriage nor holy orders/religious life. I did update the post to at least mention that so people don’t forget about that potential option. Thanks for your comment!
And thank you, Christina and JMJ!
Thanksfor a great post! My husband and I are in marriage & family ministry. We give this same message to high school students and college students as well as couples in the Pre Cana classes. They have to hear it and understand it. My guess as to why parents don’t tell their children that marriage is a vocation to be discerned is that they don’t know marriage is a vocation to be discerned. They were never taught this understanding of the sacrament. But it is so important to see that marriage is not just the next step in the relationship buta calling from God with a two-fold purpose, help get your spouse to Heaven and have all the babies God wants to give you and direct them to Heaven. Not everyone is called to this monumental task and should pray for God’s direction. Just as Christ told his disciples in Matthew when they questioned him regarding Moses’ allowance of divorce and believing Christ’s teaching to be hard, “Not all men can receive this precept, but only those to whomit is given.” Marriage, just like the priesthood and religious life, is not for everyone. But those who truly discern this vocation and are called to it will succeed with God’s grace behind their efforts. Again, great article!
It’s hard to teach our children how to discern a vocation when we were never taught how to discern. There’s such a great need for “remedial education” in our church.
Good article. One caution, this line, “especially when it’s not properly discerned and set up for failure from the beginning,” can be used as an excuse to quit down the road when things get tough. “We were never really taught to discern! I just fell into marriage! I don’t think this was God’s will for me! Blah, blah, blah” If you’re in a valid marriage, that’s it. Make it work. God rewards faithfulness to his commandments even when it (the marriage) may not have been part of his original plan.
As a father of a seminarian I want to add:
1. Teach you children about the Catholic faith. Don’t depend on CCD or even catholic school to do your job. Have catholic art and magazines and newspapers about the house. Let them know that catholicism is part of who they are.
2. Pray with your children each day. As long as the kids were at home, we would meet each night in a bedroom and kneel and pray together, including prayers for vocations from our family.
3. Have your parish priest(s) at your house regularly for supper so your children will see that priests are regular guys with a special calling.
4. Associate with fellow catholic families. It helps the idea of total catholic family life.
5. Send your son to vocation camps and discernment retreats. Take him to priestly ordinations.
6. Never miss Sunday Mass. I mean never. Whether on vacation or hunting camp, always find a Mass to attend. Your children will grow up knowing nothing is more important that Mass on Sunday. There should be no excuse.
7. Finally,send your children to a faithful catholic college. Our son attended Franciscan University where his calling came to fruition.
God bless you, Joe, and God bless your son.
Wow. Beautifully written! Thank you!
This article and posts give me hope for our future. Thank you.
Posted by Joe: “1. Teach you children about the Catholic faith. Don’t depend on CCD or even catholic school to do your job.”
Yes please and thank you!! Being a 1st & 2nd grade CCD catechist myself, the most frustrating thing I encounter is that the children, through no fault of their own, have never even see a Bible or heard the name Jesus and don’t go to Mass because their parents don’t taken them. And these are “Catholic” families! It is quite a challenge to have to start from square one with six and seven year old children who will soon be preparing to receive the Sacraments. So many parents hand off their most important job to someone else. /endrant
Great post, Matt! Thank you for your witness.
We sponsor a FOCUS student and during his first year as missionary, he was required to abstain from dating in order to assist with his vocation discernment. One evening over dinner, our friend asked my husband and I to talk about our discernment story and how we were called to marriage. We replied sheepishly that we didn’t really have one. It was a powerful witness for both of us - hopefully our children will one day be able to answer a similar question with more conviction.
One simple strategy I heard on Catholic Answers was rather than asking children what they want to be when they grow up, reframe and ask, what is God calling you to? What gifts has God given you that you can use in a vocation. Takes the focus off what you want and places it on what Gods want from you. Heard that several years ago, but it stuck like super glue! Only wish I could remember who said it so I could give proper credit!
Joe, Great comments!!
1. Humanae Vitae!!!!
2. Theology of the Body for Middle schoolers
3. Theology of the Body for Teens
Thanks Matt!
It brings up the important point that there isn’t just some default vocation, everyone needs to be chosen.
Just like a job: if you just fall into one rather than chosing one, you will probably not like it as much.
What makes someone an adult is making self-determining choices (I will be with this person forever, I will be a priest, etc.). If they are not chosen, they can’t be self-determining, and thus the marriage is on very shaky ground.
Here in New York, the clergy sex-abuse scandals have left few parishes untouched, and every Catholic-school child, teacher and volunteer has to take “predator-recognition” training to keep down the diocese’s insurance rates. Huge payments to victims have led to financial catastrophe for the dioceses and, by extension, many parishes. Schools and parishes are closing by the dozen. And ALL of this is eagerly reported on by the local media. We have a best-case scenario—a wonderful, vibrant parish with a bumper crop of holy, high-functioning priests—but even so, it’s a daunting atmosphere in which to discern a call to the priesthood. As for nuns, most folks just seem to presume they’re going extinct; in 30 years as a CCD catechist, I never met a child who knew what a nun was. (We might have had one or 2 on staff, but they looked like everyone else.) The “vocations crisis” is no mystery, and it can’t all be laid at the feet of our materialistic, sex-centered popular culture.
I love the idea of asking your children what God is calling them to do. Completely changes the paradigm. Also, LOVE, love, love FOCUS. Fellowship of Catholic University Students is responsible for the majority of young priest vocations in the US today (out of 300 priests under 30, 250 came through FOCUS). This is a great place to spend charity dollars. They helped me grow in my faith in a way that I never would have otherwise. I ended up married, but brought my husband into the church with me. :)
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