Well, you’re right that no vocation = an unhappy, unfulfilled life.
But the single life is NOT a vocation.
I went to 12 years of Catholic school…. we studied vocations and single wasn’t one of them.
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I am not called to celibate life.  I am called to marriage.  I have asked God, PLEADED with God for many years to take my desire for marriage and motherhood away.  “God, if you don’t have a husband for me… please ease my suffering and allow me to stop desiring one.”  He has not taken the desire away, even as I approach my 42nd birthday.
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Why haven’t I found a husband?  I dunno, but I know for almost certain I’m not going to find one at church…  and I know that I need a man who loves God and loves the Church ... so may I plead with you, for future generations of faithful women DO ALL YOU CAN TO RAISE YOUR SONS IN THE CHURCH.
There is nothing more depressing than meeting men who say, “I used to be Catholic.” or “My parents shoved Catholicism down my throat so I don’t go to church anymore.”

I must respectfully disagree with Renae’s supposition that the single life is not a vocation. Just because her Catholic school did not teach it, does not mean its invalid. Certaintly, it has become more prominent now than in the past, apart for historical cases where one child would remain unmarked to care for aging parents. Likewise, just because the church doesn’t have a solemnization ceremony for it does not make it invalid. The vocation generally precedes the Church having rituals to bless it.
The single vocation (or more accurately the celibate vocation) means a perpetual in married state, not waiting for the right person to come along (what many mean by “single”). Some people are not called to marriage, priesthood or consecrated religious life (monks, nuns, friars, etc). The only other explicitly blessed celibate forms are consecrated virgins (women) and hermits (men/women), which also might not completely align to the individual calling. Hermits for example are more contemplative generally, but a person might be called to an active vocation.

I agree with Renae that the single life IS NOT a vocation.  A vocation by definition is a committed gift of the self to either God, the Church or your spouse.  It is permanent and lasting.  The single life is a path to your vocation, but because it is not permanent and does not include the gift of oneself to another, it does not meet the definition of a vocation.

I was under the impression that Renae meant that single life is a legitimate vocation, but it was not what she was (is) called to and was not taught at her Catholic school…

The Church may not recognize the ‘single state,’ as a specific vocation but it is an absolutely valid state and one that needs support in our communities. A couple of my male friends are same sex oriented and want to live out the Church’s teachings. Their option is to live in a life long single and celibate state.

Respectfully to the author, (he is trying to make some excellent points about vocation awareness) he is incorrect in stating consecrated life (Sister or a Nun) for a woman is non-marriage. The very heart of te vocation is an espousal and spiritual marriage to Jesus Christ. Watering that down or not acknowledging that key and fundamental component (IMHO) has been part of the reason we have seen so many problems with the identity confusion of women religious as ‘celibate social workers,’ rather than women whose entire orientation is union to Jesus. The consecrated woman taking a wedding ring at final vows is taking it to Christ. The consecrated women wearing habits are not just wearing an eschatological sign, but their wedding dresses.

There’s defintiely been a tendency in the last few decades to treat every state of life as a vocation, as if some of us were being unfairly deprived if we didn’t receive a special, supernatural call from God. But I don’t believe anyone can claim to be “called” to the single life simply because we find ourselves in the position. I’m not even sure marriage can be called a supernatural vocation (in traditional Catholic theology, it’s not), since the married state, unlike the priesthood, is common to all cultures, and every person is naturally attracted to it. Dom Delatte’s commentary on the Rule of St. Benedict includes a section on vocations that I think is helpful in understanding the traditional Catholic meaning of the term:

“We must limit the use of this term and not make it signify any expression of our activity. We speak of the soldier’s vocation, the engineer’s vocation, the vocation to the married state or common vocation. These are actual states, the result of strictly personal choice, the product of circumstances, aptitudes, and tastes. Doubtless these choices do not escape the laws of Providence, yet they do not imply a very special invitation of God, as does vocation properly so called. This comprises three elements: (1) a special call of God (2) to a high supernatural state (3) to which call the intelligent creature
should respond with free co-operation.”

He goes on to say that in this sense, there are only three vocations: a vocation to the faith (universal and obligatory), a vocation to the religious life (universal, but a matter of counsel), and the vocation to the ecclesiastical state (special, and addressed to a select few).

I think that marriage is the default vocation. If you go by how our bodies are built you can see that we were made to have children. You don’t need to hear a calling to that. It is the other vocations that must be discerned, to see if call is calling us to those vocations that are not marriage. I believe that God calls those vocations in a special way.

From the Catechism of the Catholic church
1603

“The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws. . . . God himself is the author of marriage.”

87 The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes. These differences should not cause us to forget its common and permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity,88 some sense of the greatness of the matrimonial union exists in all cultures. “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life.”

“The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life.”

I find that “healthy” is an important word in this last part of what Pete cited.  To echo back to Matt’s blog, and maybe bring us full circle, when we don’t discern the marriage vocation AND the spouse we enter into that vocation with, we run the risk of entering into an unhealthy state that damages not just us, but society as a whole.

I’m not really here to ask questions or anything like that, I just decided I’d like to offer some encouragement and advice about discernment for everyone who might see this and is in the process, and I hope that God will work through me to reach out to others. I am a young man, almost out of high school and am in the middle of discernment. I began my discernment almost three years ago when I went to a discernment retreat at my local seminary. For those years, I’ve gone back and forth between priesthood and marriage and have finally arrived at the point that I’ll go to seminary for further discernment and am now currently discerning whether to go to my local seminary or if I should go to a Catholic College’s Priestly Discernment program that I think God might be calling me too out of state. Basically, after three years of praying about my vocation, I’ve only figured out I need to pray more about my vocation. I’ve also figured out it seems to basically boil down to several thing: Prayer, Patience, Trust, and Acceptance. First, pray, pray, and…What was it…Oh! Pray some more. If we pray, we improve our relationship with God, if we improve our relationship with God, things will only get better. Also, make use of your parish and the gifts God has given us. If your seriously discerning, whatever it is, go to Mass more often, go to your church’s Holy Hour, make use of confession, join church ministries, allow yourself to be engulfed by holiness in you life, in your mind, in your activities. This will help you along your way through discernment, if you improve your relationship with God, everything will only get better. Second, discerning can be long, but we need to be patient. In this day and age, we are used to getting most anything we want fast. We can press a button, and boom, bought and downloading, ready for you to use in a minute or two. We can order something on Amazon, and get it the next day. We can fly across the world and get there within hours. In comparison, praying three years only to find out that you need to pray more look absolutely and entirely horrendous. But patience is a virtue everyone could use a little more of, and this choice will effect your happiness for the rest of your life, I think it’s worth some time. Third, trust in God that He knows what He’s doing. Frankly, if you think about it, King of the Universe, Savoir of the World, Author of Eternity, I’d say it’s impossible for “mess up” to even exist within the same dimension as God, let alone actually ever do anything to His plans. There’s a quote that I like, “Let go and let God.” And I think this is the perfect quote for discernment. Fourth, acceptance, it’s something of an extension of trust, but since it’s tough sometimes, and it can be a challenge, I’ll talk about it a little. It’s my dream to get married and raise a family, it always makes my eyes water when I think about it, and that’s good, we should have dreams, try and make them real, and often our dreams are actually what we want and can be clues to our vocation, but we must accept and be open to all possibilities that God has for us. Sometimes the devil uses our own desires against us, sometimes(actually often considering most of the human race) we ourselves don’t know what we ourselves actually want, this is why we must be open. In the end, God is our loving Father, He knows what’s best for us, and He knows what will make us really truly happy in the end, we should trust that He knows what we should do. And last, I’d like to cover a little on vocation in general. Look for different vocations and understand them, see if any of them might be for you, maybe you will get married, but maybe you’ll be a nun or priest, or maybe a consecrated layperson like the Fraternas or their male processor who’s name escapes me, or maybe your just not meant for marriage or consecrated life. Last thing I’d like to add, if you haven’t found you vocation yet, better to find it now the never. When I was visiting seminary this year, we had someone teaching us that was in his 50’s I believe, he had become a doctor and gone into the military and didn’t leave until his early forties, he then entered seminary and became a deacon and taught biology at the seminary. It’s never to late to find your vocation. Pray about it, discern, give God time to answer you, don’t get discouraged, you will get your answer when you need too. I am still discerning and I am only at the young age of 17, my life is just starting and not everything is going well exactly, but I am at peace and can truly say I am happy right now. I wish, hope, and pray that everyone else will be able to claim the same. Remember to let go and let God. God Bless.

Your brother in Christ.

I agree that there is a calling to the single life. And I am sure after much prayer that the single vocation is for me. I have explored religious vocations but I slowly received a sense of ease, a comforting more than a vocal calling, to remain where I am in life; to continue working, to help others around me in my daily life, to aid family and friends sometimes financially which is better made possible by being single and to pursue becoming an Benedictine Oblate rather than a religious.

There is a time and a place for everything. In the early Church single life was encouraged because of persecution, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (1 Corinthians 7:8). Perhaps in this post-Christian era and changing economy the single vocation will serve God’s will in ways we cannot yet imagine.

Echoing Renae, et.al. Everyone is called to marriage…just not necessarily marriage to a living, breathing human being.
The Church teaches there are three primary vocations: Holy Orders, Marriage, and the Consecrated Life (which means both consecrated religious and consecrated singles). All are spousal vocations because all entail the total and permanent (at least “until death do us part”) gift of self: the priest to the Church, the consecrated individual to Christ, and the husband and wife to each other. And everyone is called to one of those three primary vocations. Period. Reason being? Our spousal vocation in this life is supposed to prepare us for the spousal relationship we’re called to with God in the next.
The truth is there are missed vocations, just as there are late vocations. But there are no calls to unconsecrated single life (to non-gift so to speak), and there is not a single magisterial document saying otherwise. This idea of the single life as a vocation (in the primary sense) is a new idea mostly talked about by priests and married people in their attempts to console or explain why so many of us aren’t getting married (or marrying so late). But really, the whole idea makes 90 percent of us singles crazy because we know we’re not called to “non-gift” and that singleness is in no way what we were made for or the desire of our hearts. At the same time, the idea gives that other ten percent their excuse for not committing to the vocation God is calling them to.
All that being said, the single life can be considered a vocation in the secondary sense. Secondary vocations are things we do on the journey to holiness: our jobs, apostolate, the bearing of certain trials, and the grasping of certain opportunities. They are not permanent, but often reflective of our current state in life. They help prepare us for Heaven as well, albeit in a different way than our spousal vocation.
Anyhow, that’s where unconsecrated singleness fits in.
Am I allowed to say I explain all that in the first chapter of “The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years”? It’s a very “pink” book, Matt, but it might help you understand this question a little better (and why most of the reactions you’re getting are from frustrated single women, saying “The single life is not a vocation!”)

Renae, my experience is different from yours. I am called to be single. I have no sexual orientation, though I would have liked one. Part of me used to desire women, only to find by looking in my rear-view mirror that it was always against my better judgement to do so. A couple of years before I turned forty I asked the Lord to take that desire away and to close the door to marriage, never to be opened again. He granted my request immediately, and I’ve never looked back.

Emily,

Would you clarify your thoughts further on current vs permanent states in secondary vocations?

Specifically, a man who is homosexually oriented is told by the Church he cannot pursue clerical life. He has no inducement to marry because he has absolutely no attraction to women despite all effort. He loves the Lord and the Church, and seeks to follow the teaching laid forth.

What can he do but remain permamently celibate for the rest of his life? Perhaps, I am misunderstanding how you use current vs. permament.

Thanks!

Emily - thanks for the great explanation! I’ll try to check out your book - even though it’s pink.

I’m fairly aware of the various positions and nuances to the “single life” vocation classification topic dealy-bob. That said, I don’t think anyone is advocating here for a “non-gift” life. Nor was the post supposed to be about whether the “single life” is a primary or secondary vocation or a vocation (a word that can apply to almost anything in a general sense) at all. And I knew if I listed it as one - or if I left it out as one - that it would rile people up. There’s no way to win on it. But my goal was to make a related point, of course.

Additionally, the fact that all of these types of relationships are spousal, does not mean we can’t still distinguish (as the Church does) that some of them are not, technically, “marriage” (while also recognizing, as you did, that many of the spousal characteristics and lifelong-ness still apply to them). All of that aside, my entire purpose for distinguishing was really to recognize a non-celibate vocation (Marriage) and a celibate life (everything else Holy that many people in my generation aren’t even considering or know about). And, as Annette reiterated, the importance of being aware of the options and then actively discerning one’s calling.

The only call, that can be a bit of a concern, for me, is to love God, all three persons of The Trinity.  Beyond this, what I do to occupy my time can deepen my answer to this call.  Neither married, nor consecrated to a religious life:  I do feel somewhat of a loss, where the sacraments are concerned.  Nonetheless, I can be satisfied with The Eucharist.

Vita Consecrata (The Consecrated Life) by Pope John Paul II is an excellent letter that further explains the consecrated options and roles.

http://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/JP2VITA.HTM

Sure Anastasia. The difference is “consecrated’ versus “unconsecrated.” Consecrated means you’ve given yourself totally and completely to God, vowing to not enter another vocation (marriage, priesthood). Like the other primary vocations it’s a permanent thing. No take-backs. That’s the type of singleness St. Paul was talking about.
Unconsecrated is when you haven’t given yourself to anyone—God, the Church, or a spouse—either because you’re still discerning, still looking for the right person/order/community, or intentionally choosing not to make a gift of yourself. It’s what describes most singles today, and it’s typically a temporary state. Hence the use of “current.” I’m single today and so I’m using the current opportunities and struggles that come my way as a single person to grow closer to God and serve others, just as I use my work to do the same. That might not necessarily be the case next year or 10 years from now or it might be. I don’t know. As best as I can discern, I believe I’m called to marriage, but I also know because of the culture in which we live, I may not be able to answer that call. I may turn out to be a “missed vocation.” Who knows. Regardless, no matter how long my singleness lasts I know I’m called to use it to help me in my journey to holiness. As are all unconsecrated singles.
As for the specific case you mention, someone who struggles with same-sex attraction may not be able to enter clerical life, but he can still make a permanent gift of himself to God. He (or she) can start living now the relationship to which we’re all eventually called. There are various ways to do this, although there really does need to be more. It’s easier for women then men (I believe) because of the consecrated virgin rite. This is one area, where the Church could really do something better to give those struggling with same-sex attraction a way to make a vowed gift of themselves to God. How to go about that is beyond my area of expertise, though certainly worth investigating. Regardless, there are communities where men can live as consecrated singles (and women too), still active in the world, but “married” to God.
Hope that makes sense. It’s hard to lay all this out in a comment box.

Matt, sorry to have implied that you didn’t know the distinctions. I’m definitely in the 90 percentile that goes a little crazy when talk of a single vocation comes up! ;-)

Matthew Warner, will you clarify your position further as regards chastity, and celibacy, within marriage:  is this your personal opinion, or church teaching—I’m compelled to tell you, that you are flat out wrong—I’ve understood, that there’s as much of a call to chastity, celibacy, within marriage as there is outside it.  Spouses neither are sex-machines, nor baby-making machines, quite obviously.  I shouldn’t say, neither / nor, as complaints of such machines, and by such machines, do of course, exist ... .

I really do not understand the desire of one commentator, to rid oneself of the desire for the opposite sex, but so what.

Yes. This.  :
“This idea of the single life as a vocation (in the primary sense) is a new idea mostly talked about by priests and married people in their attempts to console or explain why so many of us aren’t getting married (or marrying so late). ”  Thank you Emily!!

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@ Will T.  - Nope, wrong impression.  I mean to say that Single life is NOT a vocation, and Emily put it more eloquently above…. Stop saying that it is to try to make us feel better!!!  Grr!
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additionally…  let’s remember that there is a sense of spiritual vocation, (Religious life/ holy orders, Marriage, consecrated virgins etc.)  not to be confused with the secular idea of vocation which is essentially one’s job.
Being single is certainly not my job, not the least of which that it’s obvious no one is paying me to be single.
Secondly….  there is no sacrament to being single.  Priests get holy orders, marriage gets well, marriage, virgins get consecrated.  No sacrament, no ceremony… no vocation.
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I’m not scrolling back up to see who said it (because I’ll lose my train of thought)  but it is exactly, precisely true that the church needs to figure out how to minister to the single.  We are alone in all we do…. we could use a little help, a little spiritual push now and then—and to be included with the families in our parishes.  We need community.
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also, to Michael; who said, “A couple of years before I turned forty I asked the Lord to take that desire away and to close the door to marriage, never to be opened again. He granted my request immediately, and I’ve never looked back.”
That is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in months.  I am so happy for you that your discernment is clear and God answered your prayer.
Which then again, leads me to understand that I am to desire marriage because despite all my prayers and years of pleading… God has not relieved that desire from my heart.
but at the same time He hasn’t presented my husband either… so in my weak moments, I can be convinced that God has simply forgotten about me.  ( or that my husband was aborted before he was born and I am put on this earth to suffer that sin.)

Emily,
Your comments are quite eloquently written, particularly in regards consecrating meaning a permanent gift of self. The issue is that your examples of consecrations all involve actual specific Church rituals (“consecrations”) to permanently enter that state. Anastasia gave an example of a man with same sex attractions; for him, there isn’t in many circumstances a consecration available. Consecrated virginity is women only (and naturally requires the person to actually be a virgin). Hence, a person in a state like this cannot actually be “consecrated” and then by your definition, is only in a temporary state, not a true vocation (also echoed by Renae). A further point I would raise is that people discerned remaining virgins before the Church developed a rite. If we use the “modern” definition of vocation (A state of life a person choose through Divine Providence), then the “options” of vocations has to be broaden to encompass, for example, the state of a man with same sex attractions who chooses perpetual celibacy in the world. If we revert to the older definition (from rule of St. Benedict) of a special invitation to a higher status, then we avoid the “everyone has a vocation” statement, which potentially leaves some people (like the man with same sex attractions) excluded.

 
We must also remember the great number of single persons who. . .are especially close to Jesus’ heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors. Many remain without a human family, often due to conditions of poverty. Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbour in exemplary fashion. The door of homes, the ‘domestic churches,’ and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them.” - Catechism of the Catholic Church

I totally agree, Daniel, that there are fewer “options” for men. I also wish that weren’t the case. (Although consecrated singlehood through communities like Opus Dei or the Apostolate for Family Consecration is possible for men as well as women.)

Regardless, I think a man or woman with same-sex attraction who is committed to living a celibate life is already in a sense living the consecrated life. And even if there are never any formal vows, something tells me that if they tell God they’re giving themselves completely to Him, He will more than happily accept that gift and give them the grace they need to remain faithful.

I think if that were the situation I was in, it would at least help me to think of myself as “consecrated” rather than “single” and probably enable me to live my life more fruitfully and faithfully. This is all just me musing though. Take it for what it’s worth.

Kristofer spoke of a call to chastity and celibacy in marriage. That is absurd. If you have any thought of that please do not marry and subject your spouse to that. I know there are those within the church power structure today and in the past who have argued that. That is the remnants of an age old bias against sex, even in marriage, within the church.

I think the single life can be a vocation, but I also think that at some point you probably need to officially consecrate yourself to God even though you’ve been with Him for years. I know of many single people, either never-married or in the widowed state, who dedicate their life to God’s work. They share the Gospel message, produce articles and/or videos about the Church’s view on modern issues. Some people have been able to financially help families in need, drive elderly and disabled people to mass, provide counseling for pregnant women who were considering abortion, and the list goes on.

There are many single people out there who have been marriageable age for a while and yet are still not married. I think people in the single state (myself included) need to pray. I think we need to discern whether God is calling us to religious or consecrated single life. We also need to think of ourselves less often and of others more often. Serve others and get involved in parish ministries; that is the road to happiness. We will never be happy if we keep dwelling on not having found a spouse, why God hasn’t sent me a husband yet, etc. Loneliness is a cross and can be good for the road to heaven. I also heard that the desire for marriage can be a sign of a supernatural calling to God Himself (rather than a human spouse in natural marriage) because of your desire for extraordinary love.

We all need to be loved, but we must realize that that hole is only able to be filled by God, we only need to let Him in.

@Anon I am not sure what you mean.

Chastity is always good within marriage; everyone is called to chastity according to his or her state in life. Single people are required to be celibate according to God’s law, and married people are only allowed to have relations with their spouse. Chastity within marriage means you are not allowed to commit adultery, which is good and following God’s law.

Celibacy within marriage can also be a good thing. Although the marital act is good, there can be times when you need to abstain from sexual relations. For example, what if you or your spouse is ill for an extended period of time? What if you are planning your family and need to avoid intercourse on certain days of the month to avoid pregnancy in order to space children or because you cannot afford more kids? Marriage is supposed to be selfless love, not selfish love. You should never “demand” sex from your spouse because that is selfish and using the other person rather than making a gift of yourself. But I think there are some misinformed Catholics out there who do not understand the Church’s teaching on sexuality, never learned about NFP, etc. because they refuse to have sex anymore once they are done having children. And that is not what the Church teaches.

If you are talking about the sort of marriage that Jesus and Mary had, I would agree that is no longer necessary. Mary was a consecrated virgin and at that time a woman needed a husband (marriage was a legally recognized way for a man and a woman to live together) in order to guard and protect her. When Joseph died, she had Jesus and then she was left under the apostle John’s care where she was called his mother. Nowadays women can be consecrated virgins or consecrated religious without needing a man to protect her.

Regarding those with same-sex attraction, I am very happy to report that science is making great progress and has discovered the cause of same-sex attraction, and has also made progress in helping people get the healing they need. It is a long and difficult road but it can be done with God’s help. The “born this way” and “can’t do anything about it” attitudes are outdated by at least a decade or two, and without scientific basis. If you want to learn about the causes of same-sex attraction, I would suggest going to Catholic Answers’ radio calendar. The interviews with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi are from April 11, 2012. It is a very good, informative interview and I believe we need to get the word out there about same-sex attraction so we can help people heal. The sooner it is caught, the better.

Great post.  Just want to point out that it is not just young people who need to get this clarification about a non-Marriage vocation.  Frankly, after a few false starts, an adult may be in a better position to see where they should’ve been.  And, it’s not over until it’s over.  We’re all going to live a lot longer than our parents.  That’s enough time to try out several attempts at a fulfilled life.  Don’t just focus on the young—as if their decisions are the only ones they’ll ever make.

Stephanie,

Abstention from intercourse in a marriage is good yes. Generally, such as state is not referred to as celibacy. As for same sex attractions, to say they have discovered the cause is a bit strong. As it is psychological, psychologists and other researchers have determined various factors which generally are behind it, but each case is individual and can take years of therapy to make progress, but there is no guarantee that they will improve to the point of being able to marry, etc. furthermore, Courage, the Catholic church’s officially recognized apostolate does not mandate or reccommend reparative therapy in general. Calling yourself consecrated doesn’t make yourself consecrated. One can pledge to remain celibate as a permanent state ad yet not consecrated. A consecration must come from the Church as a blessing of the vocation.

After reading the article, I had this suspicion that the combox would be full of people stating emphatically that single life is NOT a vocation. Because, when single life is talked about, the typical Catholic knee-jerk response is to say: “it’s not a vocation”. That’s all most of you have to say about it.
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Can we not speak of single life apart from telling us all it’s NOT a vocation? How about we talk about what it IS?

@Emily Stimpson:

“The truth is there are missed vocations, just as there are late vocations. But there are no calls to unconsecrated single life”.

Which means, Emily, that you and I are missing our calls. I am 34 and have had the doors to religious life and marriage (at least so far) closed to me. What, then, am I doing wrong?

“There is not a single magisterial document saying otherwise.”

Not yet - but maybe that is simply because there is no theology of single life to speak of. Theological development and debate always precede dogma. There was a time in the Church when marriage was not considered a vocation - only religious life (as James M explained).

“The single life can be considered a vocation in the secondary sense”.

Which, logically, would also mean we are called to secondary holiness and can never be as holy as those with vocations - if vocations are given by God as paths to holiness.

Notice, also, that St. Paul says: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (1 Corinthians 7:8). He doesn’t say, “to the unmarried, it is better to take a permanent vow of celibacy”.

Which is why, I would say, we need to develop a greater theology of single life, based on Scripture. I just read a retreat for single people with regard to living the “non-vocation” of the single life, and I presented a working theology of single life developed from my own study and reflection through the years I was struggling to make sense of my own single state (not by my choice), and I think there is certainly a way we can speak of single life as a “vocation” - and not just in a “secondary” sense. Unfortunately, the guy the diocese were trying to get to videotape it was unable to come :(

Let’s not lose the forest for the trees here. Matthew’s article is phenomenal, but he put the term “single life” in the same sentence as “vocation” (which unfortunately seems to be the great bug-a-boo in contemporary orthodox Catholicism) and we’ve gotten sidetracked.

Bottom line - “non-married” (celibate) vocations (celibate simply means “not married”) are higher calls and more apostolically fruitful, yet most Catholics are defaulting to marriage because “not-married” vocations are not encouraged, we are not teaching the dogma of the superiority of celibacy to marriage, and due to our lack of formation we hit puberty and conflate desire for sexual relationships with a call from God.

Wade, I’m so sorry if I wasn’t clear. Comment boxes are difficult places to have these discussions, and really, the discussion is off-topic anyhow. Which is in part my fault. (Sorry, Matt.)

Anyhow, not that I’m sure this will clear up any confusion, I’ve caused because these aren’t questions that lend themselves to quick pat answers, but…

First, you and I might not be doing anything wrong. Sometimes vocations come late: It’s just part of God’s plan. Other times we miss them completely, but through no fault of our own. Look at what happened in World War I when millions of women were left without men to marry. In a sense, many faithful Catholics are in a similar state today, except we have a spouse shortage because of the wounds left by the culture wars. It takes two to tango, so to speak, and if there aren’t enough partners to tango with, well…some people don’t get to tango.

Likewise, you misunderstand me about the whole primary/secondary vocation thing. The term “secondary vocation” is just another way of talking about providential vocations. It’s a theological term that differentiates one category of vocation from another. The difference between “primary” and “secondary” vocations aren’t about levels of holiness. They’re differences in kind, not degree. So,secondary or providential vocations are about what we do on the path to holiness (again work, apostolate, the bearing of certain trials, etc.), while primary or spousal vocations are about whom we walk the path with.

Now, for most of us, being single is a temporary thing. It’s a state in life that comes with certain trials and opportunities. It’s not a relationship. Hence why it fits in the “secondary category.”  What that means is that for as long as we’re single, we’re called to use our singleness as an opportunity to serve God and others and as a means for growing in holiness. We’re called to make a gift of ourselves, even if it isn’t a permanent and irrevocable kind of gift, so we can help others and ourselves get to Heaven.

For some people, of course, singleness isn’t a temporary thing. Some choose to be permanently single and devote their lives to God. Those people are really living the consecrated vocation, even if they haven’t made formal vows or don’t call it that. Other people don’t want to remain single but for whatever reason (again, often through no fault of their own) are unable to enter into the spousal vocation to which they believe they’re called. But God doesn’t abandon them. He is still there, giving great graces and helping them walk the path to him.

Actually, I think God has a very special place in his heart for those singles. The catechism quote above calls married families and priests to extend extra care to single people. I think think that’s a reflection of the special love God has for those who aren’t able to enter into the spousal vocation for which he made them (or at least enter into it as early as they would like).

Regardless, please don’t label yourself a “missed vocation” just yet. The only expiration date on a vocation to marriage (or holy orders or consecrated life) is death. Love God, serve, him, serve others, pray that he leads you where he wants you to go, and keep hoping that he’ll fulfill the desires of your heart. Which, in a way, is kind of what Matt was advising parents to help their kids do.

Okay, now I am officially disappearing out of Matt’s comment boxes. I don’t want to hijack this discussion any more than I already have. Again, apologies, Matt. I’ve quite annoyed myself of it’s any consolation.

Emily, thanks for your detailed response. That does clarify matters a great deal.
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Just two (relatively) brief replies:
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1. What is implied in the current definition of vocation, i.e. a permanent gift of self, and the explanation for the reason God gives special vocations, is that a “complete” gift of self (which single life can never be because it is not permanent and thus not “complete”) helps us to attain salvation in a way that we cannot if we do not have such a vocation. It would be like someone who receives Holy Communion daily as opposed to someone who receives Holy Communion once a year - the latter will be in a deficient position with regards to grace. But that seems to contradict the “analogy of faith” (the other teachings of our faith) and the witness of many single saints. Unless, we are to say, that a “permanent vocation” is completely neutral with regards to our salvation - which does not make sense if we, in fact, are all called to a permanent vocation, for every call, especially the important matters, are not without consequence with regards to salvation. So you see, there is a theological discrepancy that must be resolved.
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2. You seem to repeat what Mary Beth Bonacci teaches, namely, that due to the wounds of our culture wars, many women are without husbands. However, unwilling “spinsters” have existed in every age, and the problem of the “holy women unable to find holy men” has been around for centuries - and even in ages past when holy women did marry Catholic men, they were often so in name only, or at least not near as holy as the women and an impediment rather than a help to her salvation. Most female married saints are good examples. Also, look what St. Therese says: “Ah! Poor women, how they are misunderstood! And yet they love God in much larger numbers than men do”. Most churchgoers are women and so it has always been - that didn’t just start with the culture wars. The current crisis that you speak of is not new - it has been the case ever since the Fall and is rooted in that.

Oh, how I wish parents and relatives accepted it in this way! - That marriage is not the default vocation, and that it’s not some huge disaster when a child realizes that God is calling him/her to the priesthood or a religious vocation. I say this as a discerner myself.

For those who are single, and feeling the call to marriage, and not finding anyone, may I suggest reading and meditating on the book of Tobit, specifically regarding Tobias and Sarah?  I found that when I was lost and wandering (and I had wandered right out of the Church) that it was a great help in bringing me back.  And after I figured out that Sarah was marrying the WRONG MEN in the first place, I asked God to bring me the RIGHT man just like He did for Sarah.  I made a novena of it, and at the end, He put my hubby on my back porch.  Literally. He wasn’t a good Catholic man, but he was a good Protestant man, and God eventually took care of the rest. I know that it may not be quite so easy for everyone, but it might not hurt either.

I believe I am now too old (mid-forties) to enter cloistered life or to marry and have children. I’m sad about both, actually. I’m very maternal. Without babies in my life, I baby people. But, I’ve never felt called to marriage. I wanted to be a nun, but my parents talked me out of it. So, I got into a crappy, easily-later-annulled marriage and then floundered meaninglessly through life. Becoming a secular member of a religious order can give me the fulfillment I am looking for, and I’ve heard that called a vocation. By taking promises and/or vows, is that a form of consecration? This is the best I can do at this point. Yes, I do feel deeply called at this point to complete dedication to religious life. Missed vocation? Perhaps. Highly likely. I didn’t live the life God wanted. But, it’s never too late to give Him all you have left.

The Vatican II document Apostolicam Actuositatem #4 states: “The layman’s religious program of life should take its special quality from his status as a married man and a family man, or as one who is unmarried or widowed, from his state of health, and from his professional and social activity.  He should not cease to develop earnestly the qualities and talents bestowed on him in accord with these conditions of life, and he should make use of the gifts which he has received from the Holy Spirit.”

What to do if our kids are called to the “not-chastity” way of life?

I’d like this blogger to take his last paragraph and move it to the intro of of a 2nd blog to expand on the Not-Marriage vocations and how parents can foster these in their kids.  As a single woman in the Protestant church I felt out of sync with that community the older I got.  When at around 33-34 yrs of age I converted to Catholicism because I was convinced that was where I needed to be, the joy of that move began immediately when my single status no longer made me an outsider in Bible Studies.  Protestant “Bible Studies” had been thematic, centering around couplehood or family; the Catholic Bible studies have been true Bible-based studies, only delving into marriage or parenting when it comes up in the specific book studied.

Matt, I definitely advocate parents helping kids attain the skills needed for discerning how they will live out their adult lives in cooperation with God’s plan.

In regard to the discussion of perpetual singlehood, two things bring this single woman nearing thirty some consolation:

First, if this is catechetically sound to say (no one’s said otherwise): we are called to marriage to a person..not the state in abstract. A person can be discerning a call to the religious life, but ultimately makes a vocation within a specific order or realize that is not how best to serve God. So I can be discerning if I am called to marriage but not state outright that it is my eventual vocation (or should be) as a single person.

While we may have the right hearts for a future marriage and are preparing ourselves, this world’s brokenness may mean people are deliberately not cooperating with God’s plan, so it is not our fault if a wonderful option for a spouse is not here in our present. All we can do is pray and accept God’s consolation.

Lucas,
Best wishes as you discern your vocation!  Just a thought, all that you said is necessary, especially prayer, but at some point each person has to respond, that is, to make a commitment.  There may not be 100% assurance, but there should be peace. 

And once the commitment is made to God (marriage or consecrated life), don’t look back with “what if’s”, even if a person chooses wrongly, God will bless their loyalty to those vows. 

A person’s vocation is God calling them along the shortest route to himself, but if we choose a different path, he will still be calling us to union (marriage) with himself, which is the universal vocation.

Trust.

Reply to Marie:
  A religious vocation may not be too late.  I’ve heard of a women’s order, Servants of the Eleventh Hour, whose age for entry BEGINS at 45.  Good luck on continued discernment.

I have not read any of the comments yet because I was so excited to read this article.  So I may have mirrored others’ sentiments in the following post.

Early on in life I knew instinctively that I had a “non-Marriage” vocation.  I don’t remember feeling this way but my mother has told me that I would tell her (when I was much younger) I was not made for marriage and that I would never get married.

Then during my twenties I became agnostic and secular from my previously Catholic upbringing.  I decided that marriage was probably my best option and thus I met someone and married him.  I even told myself that I would get used to it because that’s what people do.  I never did get used to it though, and our marriage was not a marriage, it was a “room-mate-iage”.  We never really shared anything except time, and even then it was few and far between.  I loved him, yes.  But it was more of a brotherly love.

I got a divorce and never got an annulment because of financial difficulties that have endured to this day.  But now I am single and celibate, and am so happy in this state.  I never should have gotten married and although I have seriously considered the consecrated life I believe God wants me to live ‘secularly’(or perhaps a better term is ‘secular-like’) to illustrate to other aspiring faithful that yes, it is possible to be happy, fulfilled, and thankful to God in this increasingly godless world while still remaining single.

I’m edging closer and closer to that half-century mark every day, but I am so happy I’m single, celibate and living with God every day, because, well, that’s what I was called to do.  And taking this long was surprisingly worth it.  I used to think those years were a waste; but everything in God’s time, not mine.  Upon reflection I needed to go through what I did in order to end up here.  And I have been like this 11 years now: I’m growing closer to Him and happier every day.

I fought the urge to marry for a time during my twenties until I gave in, knowing deep down (but not consciously) that I was not meant to marry.  Consciously I was convinced I was supposed to get married.  I suppose this was a case where the spiritual and the physical were at odds.  It wasn’t until after my divorce when I realized I was not called for marriage.  It’s also when I re-converted to Catholicism.  If you had asked me during those years if it was my calling to be married I would have said ‘of course’, I simply needed to adjust.  At that point in life I believed either you were meant to marry or meant to be a nun/priest.  There were no in-betweens.  Since then I’ve learned as part of the lay faithful that we need to live in this world but not of it.  Is it difficult?  Absolutely.  At times – very infrequently – I almost want to give in.  Almost: but I never seem to reach that point.  Ultimately it’s the most peaceful, content, joyful state I could have ever dreamed I would actually live.  I think it’s the closest to God I could be this side of Heaven.  And I thank Him for it every day.

@ Book nerd…  Thank you… this is very well said:

“While we may have the right hearts for a future marriage and are preparing ourselves, this world’s brokenness may mean people are deliberately not cooperating with God’s plan, so it is not our fault if a wonderful option for a spouse is not here in our present. All we can do is pray and accept God’s consolation.”
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I am now passed the stage where people ask me why I’m not married… I wish I would have had this as a response… “Too many people are not cooperating with God’s plan, therefore the right man for me hasn’t turned up.”
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It helps a little in this world where we just feel like we’re the last ones picked for the team!!!

Does anyone watch the mind controlling thought concepts in the NCR headlines?  For instance, wouldn’t it be more appropriate for the headline of this article to be:  “Are Your Children Being Called to Spiritual Parenting”; or, “Are Your Children Being Called into the Priesthood or Religious Life”?  Not even the slightest appearance of worldliness and ‘not’-Catholic concepts should exist.  Why not direct clarity?

Just a couple of observations:

Number one:  To say single people do not have a vocation is to forget that all baptized Christians are called to live a Christian life.  That is the BASIC AND MOST FUNDAMENTAL CHRISTIAN CALL.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard a priest say from the pulpit that his Baptism was his most important sacrament, I’d outdo Warren Buffett and Bill Gates put together.

Number two:  Far more Christian states in life are called to celibacy than to non-celibacy.  i.e. teen-agers, single Christians called to the lay life, the widowed,  the separated, the annulled, the divorced, the engaged to be married, religious sisters, religious brothers, permanent deacons who have lost a spouse, transitional deacons, priests, and bishops —- Please excuse me if I have left out anyone.

The author states that most people are surely called to marriage.  Perhaps, but most vocations are not.

Matthew, It seems an oxymoron to say “Catholic” or “Christian” in the same breath with “unhappy, unfulfilling life.”  Whether or not you are aware of what a vocation is, if God is working in your life with your prayers and cooperation, you will be where you are supposed to be.  Sometimes where you are supposed to be is with Jesus on the cross -like Peter even if it’s only for a certain period of your life.  And when we carry the cross willingly with love there are great blessing. “Unhappy, unfullfilling life” is not how Christians look at hardship. This is the world’s way of looking at things - those who want an “out”.  So maybe it’s really an issue of faith for those who don’t embrace their cross and so see no redemptive value or God at work or hope for a positive outcome. “If the world hated me it will hate you”, Jesus said. So evey Christian life will have its rough times, appearing to the world to be unhappy and unfulfilling but the Christian will know it is not!  I believe Jen Fulweiler has a recent blog about suffering in life that is more in line with Catholic teaching.

I am 43 male, single, and solidly lifetime Catholic.  I had 2 fiances break engagements in a ~4 year period in the mid 90s.  I lost a fairly substantial business a few years after that and while I have nothing against marriage; and while I have never missed a meal or been fired from a job or anything I have not really had the sort of financial/career success where I have ever felt like it was a responsible decision to court any of the women I have met since 1998 (the year I lost the ranch).  A lot of us set the bar so high on what we have to achieve to be worthy of that sort of life that it is simply unlikely to ever happen.  I regret that I may have messed up God’s plan for myself and perhaps some young lady somewhere but it is what it is.

I think you all are so busy counting how many angels can dance on the head of pin that you are completely missing the point.  The default assumption is that if you are not married that you should spend all of your time and energy into finding someone to marry.  (And we treat those who can’t or shouldn’t get married but haven’t discerned a religious vocation as sub-par Catholics because they don’t have a “real vocation”.)  As a result a lot of people miss out that God might be calling them to other things RIGHT NOW.

God might call us to various things at various seasons in our lives.  Mr. Warner is saying that we need to teach our kids that it is perfectly fine if God has other plans for them than marriage.  (Anyways isn’t the definition of “vocation” a small “t” tradition that can be developed or changed rather than a large “T” tradition of infallible dogma?)

When my kids tell me “I’m never getting married”, I tell them “Well, maybe God does have other plans for you instead of marriage.  We’ll just have to see.”  And I also don’t ask them “What do you want to be when your grow up?”  I ask them “What do you think God might be calling you to do when your grow up?”  And I should get myself in the habit of saying “What do you think God might be calling you to do RIGHT NOW?”

The single life is not a vocation.  How can it not be obvious that single by happenstance (or because God permits it for a time) is not the same as the consecrated life?  One is transitional and temporary, the other is the result of a radical choice in response to God’s call. 

I think the Church’s respect for consecrated virginity or celibacy in religious life leads to an error when we think that being single = being celibate and is therefore superior to the married state.  This is wrong.  Both marriage and religious life are terminal vocations and are thus superior to being sorta, kinda single until such time as we are not single anymore. 

I think a big problem with much of the Church’s ministry to singles is that we tell them, why would you want to be married when you can be SINGLE instead?  Being single is GREAT. And its HOLY, because, well, you’re not married.

It’s not just the single ladies who go into thermonuclear rage when they’re told maybe you are single because you are called to be single.  Or clearly you are single because God wants you not be to be married. 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  We are called to holiness whatever our state in life, be it a transitional or terminal vocation. 

But it is just a cop-out for marrieds and clergy to say that single people have a call to be single. 

It may be that you are called to some mission or secondary vocation which has the incidental effect of precluding marriage.  It may be that one is content in the single state. 

But no one who aches in every bone to be married has a vocation to be single.  Please don’t tell us we are called to be single.  It’s incredibly offensive, and yet we hear it all the time.

Going back to the theme of the original posting: “Are your kids being called to not-Marriage?”  I think Mr. Warner has it totally wrong.  The problem today is not that kids think their only option is marriage.  The problem today is that young think marriage is not an option.  Instead they believe that a Seinfeldian existence about nothing is a valid choice, and the only choice. 

Today we live in a society that honors hook ups, cohabitation, perpetual adolescence, sexual experimentation and drift.  This is the default option that not-married leads to. Is the opposite of discernment.  It is the undiscerned society.  Parents should tell their children and particularly young men to prepare for marriage unless they have a clear reason to choose something else.  Otherwise, the choices won’t be made, and drift will be the result. 

I am called to marriage. I am called to be much more than marriage. I am called to be Just. To be a messenger to those who do not hear God. I am called to be righteous. I am called to educate those who are led astray when they are persecuted or shoved to the side. I am called to uphold Jesus Christ’s teachings when even my own Church strays from it. It is not right to pressure a person into one thing or another for social status. It is not just to shove a person aside because they themselves have not made a decision from their heart where God resides. It is not Holy and Good for anyone (parent, priest, teacher, or sibling) to judge another by their beliefs or actions. You do not do what is commanded by The Son, “Love one another as I have Loved you.” You fear death, You fear monetary worth, and you fear a life that you did not take. So you push, and prod and try to make others live a life that you want them to live. Yet it is not up to You (parent, priest, teacher, or sibling) to tell another what to do , or tell that person they will “go to hell”, it is not your place to know what is God’s plans by the signs and times of the person. Prayer is all you can accomplish. For it is written and said from the mouth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Mathew 7: 

“Judge not, that you may not be judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you shall be judged: and with what measure you mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why do you see the mote that is in your brother’s eye; and see not the beam that is in your own eye? 4 Or how do you say to your brother: Let me cast the mote out of your eye; and behold a beam is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of your own eye, and then shall you see to cast out the mote out of your brother’s eye.”

“Give not that which is holy to dogs; neither cast your pearls before swine, lest perhaps they trample them under their feet, and turning upon you, they tear you.”

“Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you. 8 For every one that asks, receives: and he that seeks, finds: and to him that knocks, it shall be opened. 9 Or what man is there among you, of whom if his son shall ask bread, will he reach him a stone? 10 Or if he shall ask him a fish, will he reach him a serpent? 11 If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children: how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to them that ask him?”

Remember You (parent, Priest, Teacher, or sibling) that;

“All things therefore whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do also to them. For this is the law and the prophets”

It is here that our Lord warns those who are unsure, and those who are being led astray,

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in the clothing of sheep, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 By their fruits you shall know them. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit, and the evil tree brings forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can an evil tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that brings not forth good fruit, shall be cut down, and shall be cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits you shall know them.”

“Not every one that says to me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven: but he that does the will of my Father who is in heaven, he shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, have not we prophesied in your name, and cast out devils in your name, and done many miracles in your name? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, you that work iniquity.”

“Every one therefore that hears these my words, and does them, shall be likened to a wise man that built his house upon a rock, 25 and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and they beat upon that house, and it fell not, for it was founded on a rock. 26 And every one that hears these my words and does them not, shall be like a foolish man that built his house upon the sand, 27 and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and they beat upon that house, and it fell, and great was the fall thereof.”

“And it came to pass when Jesus had fully ended these words, the people were in admiration at his doctrine. 29 For he was teaching them as one having power, and not as the scribes and Pharisees.”

Remember that with today’s modern scribes and Pharisees, we are being led astray. Keep your heart pure and holy for that is the dwelling place of the Father. We are each a temple, and just as the Temple was made rent and detroyed over two thousand years ago, so shall any temple that does not follow the Father, and the one sent by the Father. It is not right to charge for marriage. It is a Holy Sacrament. If God puts man and woman together let no man put asunder. As it is shown with the first pope, St. Peter,

Acts 10

“And he saw the heaven opened and a certain vessel descending, as it were a great linen sheet let down by the four corners from heaven to the earth: 12 Wherein were all manner of four-footed beasts and creeping things of the earth and fowls of the air. 13 And there came a voice to him: Arise, Peter. Kill and eat. 14 But Peter said: Far be it from me. For I never ate anything that is common and unclean. 15 And the voice spoke to him again the second time: That which God has cleansed, do not call common. 16 And this was done thrice. And presently the vessel was taken up into heaven. 17 Now, whilst Peter was doubting within himself what the vision that he had seen should mean, behold the men who were sent from Cornelius, inquiring for Simon’s house, stood at the gate. 18 And when they had called, they asked if Simon, who is surnamed Peter, were lodged there. 19 And as Peter was thinking of the vision, the Spirit said to him: Behold three men seek you. 20 Arise, therefore: get you down and go with them, doubting nothing: for I have sent them. 21 Then Peter, going down to the men, said: Behold, I am he whom you seek. What is the cause for which you have come? 22 Who said: Cornelius, a centurion, a just man and one that fears God, and having good testimony from all the nation of the Jews, received an answer of an holy angel, to send for you into his house And to hear words of you. 23 Then bringing them in, he lodged them. And the day following, he arose and went with them: and some of the brethren from Joppe accompanied him.”

“And it came to pass that when Peter had come in, Cornelius came to meet him and falling at his feet adored. 26 But Peter lifted him up, saying: Arise: I myself also am a man. 27 And talking with him, he went in and found many that had come together. 28 And he said to them: You know how abominable it is for a man that is a Jew to keep company or to come unto one of another nation: but God has showed to me, to call no man common or unclean. 29 For which cause, making no doubt, I came when I was sent for. I ask, therefore, for what cause you have sent for me? 30 And Cornelius said: Four days ago, unto this hour, I was praying in my house, at the ninth hour and behold a man stood before me in white apparel and said: 31 Cornelius, your prayer is heard and your alms are had in remembrance in the sight of God. 32 Send therefore to Joppe: and call hither Simon, who is surnamed Peter. He lodges in the house of Simon a tanner, by the sea side. 33 Immediately therefore I sent to you: and you have done well in coming. Now, therefore, all we are present in your sight to hear all things whatsoever are commanded you by the Lord.”

“And Peter opening his mouth, said: In very deed I perceive that God is not a respecter of persons. 35 But in every nation, he that fears him and works justice is acceptable to him. 36 God sent the word to the children of Israel, preaching peace by Jesus Christ (He is Lord of all). 37 You know the word which has been published through all Judea: for it began from Galilee, after the baptism which John preached. 38 Jesus of Nazareth: how God anointed him with the Holy Ghost and with power, who went about doing good and healing all that were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him. 39 And we are witnesses of all things that he did in the land of the Jews and in Jerusalem: whom they killed, hanging him upon a tree. 40 Him God raised up the third day and gave him to be made manifest, 41 not to all the people, but to witnesses preordained by God, even to us, who ate and drank with him, after he arose again from the dead. 42 And he commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that it is he who was appointed by God to be judge of the living and of the dead. 43 To him all the prophets give testimony, that by his name all receive remission of sins, who believe in him.”

“While Peter was yet speaking these words, the Holy Ghost fell on all them that heard the word. 45 And the faithful of the circumcision, who came with Peter, were astonished for that the grace of the Holy Ghost was poured out upon the Gentiles also. 46 For they heard them speaking with tongues and magnifying God. 47 Then Peter answered: Can any man forbid water, that these should not be baptized, who have received the Holy Ghost, as well as we? 48 And he commanded them to be baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Then they desired him to tarry with them some days.”

If you read everything here you will know that nothing can be taken without context. You must understand as you would any parable or story by the full act, not just by bits and pieces. Amen to you who read and understand for your place will be great in Heaven.

The number of comments here reflects a desperate need for formation in our younger years for a faithfilled understanding of who we are and what we are “called” to be.  The Church teaches us that there are 3 states of life - single, married, and religious life.  How we are “called” to live out that state is our vocation.  Initial singleness is a time of discernment for all of us. Whatever our state of life, we are all “called” to consecrate that life to God.  Some in marriage, some in religious life and some in the single life.  Yes, if one remains in the single state, you are “called” to consecrate your life to God.  That can be done informally with a personal committment to God to remain a virgin and do all in life for the good of others to honor his glory.  Or the committment can be more formal in a consecration of oneself to a Bishop, to an eclessial movement, or to a religious order as a tertiary member. Those consecrated forms of single life keep the calling to marriage or religious life open to us.  All in God’s timing.  God has given us many options for knowing, loving and serving him in this world.  It requires discernment on our part and then the willingness to joyfully take him up on it.  God bless all of us that we can be faithful and chaste in our state in life.

In The Mystery of Love for the Single, Fr. Dominic Unger explores the theology. history and spirituality of the single vocation.  Like Kay posted, most people are single for a time, but there are those who choose to remain single for their own personal sanctity and the building up of the Church.  Two recent examples are St. Joseph Moscati and Ven. Pauline Jaricot.  The movie of Moscati includes a romance, but the truth is that he made a decision to remain single in order to serve the poor as a doctor and remained chaste.  It’s a good read for those who think “single” is not a vocation.

Karen, that is a single state and not a single vocation.  The single state is only instrumental, ancillary, and incidental to the vocation.  It also involves a choice and commitment in response to God’s call that is a terminal vocation in the specific sense.  You can call it apostolic celibacy if you want.  The Seinfeld single lifestyle is never a vocation, and unfortunately that is what most people mean by singleness.  You are not called to be single, betwixt and between, waiting on hold, in transition until something better comes along.  You may be in a single state until a terminal vocation comes along, but you do not have more than just a transitional vocation to be single state just because, by God’s design, you happen to be single at the moment.

Part of the confusion here has to do with the concept of “perfection,” in the Latin sense of “perfect” meaning complete.  The Church has always had highest regard for consecrated virginity.  But the married vocation too represents a higher and more perfect state than unvowed singleness, which is why to so many of us find the the unbowed single state so deeply unsatisfying.  You can be perfectly holy as an unvowed single person, but you are not in a “perfect” state.  The Church does not recognize singleness as the result of a career choice, circumstance, or even personal preference as a vocation in the religious sense.  The question is, single to do what?  The single state becomes more perfect to the degree it involves a formal vow or consecration to God’s service, in which we give ourselves to God, forever.

Matthew, I have a topic for you to throw out into the websphere, for readers that THINK to answer:

My nephew made his first Holy Communion on Sunday.  A friend of the family told us he did not know how Pres. Obama would fare, with so many Catholics being at Mass this season for Communions/Confirmation, after news that he (and Joe Biden) support same sex marriage.  Another friend said, “Well, I’m Catholic, and I support same sex marriage.”

So maybe we can have a discussion on another blog (please, just among fellow Catholics that can THINK for themselves, not those that cut and paste miles of Catholic Answers web links, or that parrot Rome) about how to reply to people like that.  I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My nephew is 9.  He was intently listening to this discussion.  I’m disgusted.  I’m pro-traditional marriage.  All I could say was “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” - which got a laugh, even though it’s an old statement, then I asked them all what was better for a child, two fathers, two mothers, or the balance of a mother AND a father?

The same sex marriage supporter just said, “A loving couple.”  When I pointed out Ellen Degenerous was “in love” with Anne Heche, who later dumped her, and now Ellen is with someone named “Portia”, the same sex marriage supporter said, “Well, that’s Hollywood.”

Really, I need help.  I need to know how to answer these people.  Clergy are NOT teaching this.  *Thinking Catholics* need to group together, and learn to interact with the public, even with fellow Catholics.  Please: rosary toters, novena copying, Vatican parrots, that can’t use their own words, please do not reply.  I intend to educate myself, and you frustrate me.  I am already disgusted.

By the way, the same sex marriage supporter is a CATECHIST in her church, for children.

For all the church preaches about families and raising the next generation of young Catholics, they treat singles over 30 like diseased people, a fifth wheel and see us as virtually invisible in spite of our many contributions to parish life.  A married clergy would certainly see the value in promoting singles ministries for those over 40.  Instead of addressing the the TRUE needs of faithful parishioners, dioceses and parishes are more interested in playing musical chairs with the liturgy and in their endless preoccupation of finding more ways to raise money.  Is it any wonder why more and more Catholic singles of all ages are finding both spiritual and people connections at Christian churches where they are welcome (and not ignored).  Jesus did not expect the Apostles to remain cloistered to celebrate the Eurcharist 24/7.  Life does exist outside the Holy Sacrifice of Mass.

Disgusted RC - You need to see what is being taught in parochial schools.  See -  http://www.motherswatch.net/content/view/12/6/ - Part 1

http://www.motherswatch.net/content/view/15/6/ - Part 2

The series “Growing In Love” teaches youth beginning in kindergarten they have a right to their own sexual gratifications.  These horrific materials replace Catholic virtues and assault unsuspecting youth.  Any who remain silent after reviewing these facts, are facilitating clergy who want to destroy Catholic concepts and doctrines.

I became a Roman Catholic 15 years ago because after attending the church on and 10 years before, I decided that this church is where I wanted to be. I feel drawn to the liturgies and the Eucharist every Sunday.  Over the past few years I have started to feel some withdrawal (not necessarily from attending church), but that something is missing.  I know a lot of parishioners at my home parish and some others because I attend mass at three parishes.  I just don’t feel a strong connection with the people in the parishes, even though there is a comfortable and warm feeling. 

I look in the bulletin every week and the parishes all have a youth group, over 55 group, and a few misc. groups.  They even started a group for singles aged 20-35.  There doesn’t appear to be any kind of group for people who are in the 30’s or forties.  I wish that the Catholic Church did have a vocation for single people who are not called to be priests, nuns, or monks.  When I went for pastoral counseling before I became Catholic, the pastoral associate even said that she wishes there were a sacrament/vocation for the single life.  I have heard quite a few priests even mention that there should be a vocation for single life.  I heard one priest say that everyone needs to have a vocation of some sort.  There are so many things that people are called to in there faith life (inside and outside of church.  I believe that if there were a vocation for the single life, I would have a stronger connection to my faith and more productive purpose in the church, and not mention closer ties to people in the community.

Ellen,  Every vocation has its cross or we would not become the person   God desires us to be.  To Jesus through Mary - is the direction for you.  Our Blessed Virgin Mother will show us what we must do in any state or stage of our lives.  See:
http://www.unitypublishing.com/Apparitions/True Devotion to Mary by St_ Louis De Montfort.htm

@Ellen:  What Rosemary just wrote to you is a pile of rubbish.  You have no idea what God may have in store for you and it could be just around the corner.  And even if you do not marry, should this be God’s will and you have submitted yourself to His will, this is not a cross to bear at all.  Compliance with the Lord’s will and obedience to Him is never a burden of drudgery in life.  He will always provide you His peace to live knowing you are walking in step with Him daily.
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Don’t be fooled by people like Rosemary and her invented theology of ideas.  And for Heaven’s sake, why bother going to Mary when Jesus told us in the gospel we can bring everything in prayer to Him personally.
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And btw, since your parish or diocese is not ministering to singles between 30 to 50, there are plenty of Christian and Evangelical churches which do.  You will find some very godly people there.  Give it a try.  And shame on your parish and especially the diocese.  Most every Catholic diocese seems to have time and resources for everyone except singles of your age bracket.

Ellen——-  Why is it that modern women hate the example of Our Blessed Mother who willed as our Heavenly Father, that Her Son be crucified for the sake of reparation?  Ours is a life of offering sacrifices in order to save souls.  The Virgin Most Pure walked the road of Calvary.  To be a ‘handmaiden’ of the Lord is to show true service and humility.  Humbling ourselves in the site of the Lord and practicing the virtues is the only sure road to everlasting joy.  It leads us to the heavenly realm in the presence of   Our Saviour and singing His praises.  True humility leads us to be in the company of Our Saviour’s Mother, the Saints and the Angels.  Follow the examples of Our Blessed Mother who leads us to Her Son and you will never be disappointed.  Read extensively the lives of the Saints and the many sacrifices they endured.  Do not seek earthly comforts.  Find a legitimate priest or bishop.