Surely we can all agree that orthodox Catholic teaching must be defended and promoted vigorously in this challenging time in our history. Here in America, and across the industrialized world, a vicious relativism runs rampant through a culture in crisis — a crisis of faith.

But now that I’ve been blogging for awhile, I’ve discovered there is something much, much more dangerous and important than the slaughter of millions of babies every year, the needs of the poor, the obsession with money and power and vanity, the fight for freedom and against tyranny across the globe, the solidarity to combat it together, the call to prayer, the promotion of the sacraments and our obligation to love our neighbor and God. Yes, there is a much more dangerous and clever heretic that needs confronting. These apostate schismatics have infiltrated the faithful and they must be vigorously weeded out or we risk the gates of hell surely prevailing against the Church.

We need to train the faithful - the true faithful - to be on the lookout for these hidden heretics lest they destroy the Church.

Here are a few helpful guidelines to equip the faithful:

1) The Pope - Listen carefully to how the suspect refers to the pope. If, in casual conversation, they refer to him as simply “Pope Benedict,” instead of “His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, Vicar of Christ, Successor to St. Peter” (or something of equal status), then you know you’ve got a full-blown infidel on your hands.

2) Capitalization - This is an especially good screening tactic when questioning a suspected heretic in an online forum or blog community. Watch which words they capitalize. If they ever mistakenly spell “Catholic” with a lowercase “c,” this person is surely out to destroy the Church. DO NOT trust anything else they say. Especially note how they spell the word Mass. If they don’t capitalize the word “Mass,” do not risk further interaction with this devil. Not only do they hate God, but they hate the Mass!

3) The Parish Leadership - Be wary of anyone at your parish that uses any of the following watch words: professional, high quality, marketing, business, internet, new media, website, community, competitive wage, engaging, relevant, helpful, fun. These folks obviously don’t believe in the power of the Eucharist and have already self-excommunicated.

4) The Sign of Peace - If somebody tries to shake your hand during the sign of peace, or even look at you, be on guard. And absolutely under no circumstance should you shake their hand. Or even look at them, unless to do so with a sour face. This is the rehabilitative tough love they’ve probably been deprived of their entire, heterodox lives. Use it as an opportunity to tell them you are praying for their soul. Also, don’t handle the same hymnal as they or their children. Their hereticism is more contagious than samaritans.

5) Smiling at Mass - This is the number one way to tell if you’ve got a heretic on your hands. Personally, I think we should put up some cameras on the congregation to better weed out these enemies of the Church. They wouldn’t call it the HOLY Mass if you were supposed to smile during it. There is simply no excuse for this. Sometimes I think they even do it intentionally just to try and distract the rest of us from the Liturgy.

6) This Post - One final tool for this holy inquisition is this blog post. If a person finds this blog post to be some kind of sarcastic, funny, entertaining joke done in good fun and charity, then treat him a like gentile and a tax collector.

Hope these help! Stay vigilant, folks!