Christmas is the season of unselfishness and love. But let's face it, there's plenty of folks who probably love Christmas for completely selfish reasons. Among them may just be:
Josh Groban. Let's face it. Precious few people want to hear from The Groban unless it's Christmas time and he's singing the only song that people want to hear from him. He's like a Christmas version of Michael Bolton but with bad hair. I don't think Groban's family is even all into seeing him unless it's Christmas time. But every year around this time the Groban becomes a celebrity again. He's like the groundhog. One time a year he's huge and then he crawls back into a hole in the ground somewhere.
Atheists. For many atheists, the world becomes a combox during Christmas time. Christmas season is their favorite time of year because they get to attack the baby Jesus openly. They file lawsuits all over the country demanding that the baby Jesus be removed from anywhere the public can see Him. They get to wave around the Constitution and yell about the separation of Church and state even though the Constitution doesn't actually say anything about the separation of Church and state.
The Hallmark Channel. Nobody watches the Hallmark Channel until Christmas time. Nobody. It's like the Lifetime Network without any of the gripping "ripped from the headlines" storylines. But come Christmas, they cash in. These are the geniuses who can make people cry over a commercial and they unleash all that blatant sentimentality over a whole network designed to make you cry in a good way. That's all these people do. And they're good at it. There are zero surprises on the Hallmark Channel. It's like the opposite of M. Night Shyamalan. And that's a good thing.
Tape/ gift wrap companies. Gift wrap is the stupidest thing ever invented. What's its purpose? Think about it? You wait months to get a gift and you give it to the person with colored paper all over it so they can't see what they got for about five more seconds. And then it gets ripped up and torn aside like Josh Groban's feelings.
Younger children. Let's face it. When you've got more than a few children the younger ones just don't get photographed as much as the older ones did. My five year old may be the most unphotographed child in America. There's more photographic evidence of the chupacabra than my five year old. But come Christmas we snap tons. If historians write about my five year old in the future they'll say she grew up in a strange civilization that only wore red hats and planted trees in the middle of their living room.
Hanukkah. Chanukah (sp?)was always considered sort of a minor holiday but Christmas becoming super duper popular kind of elevated it into something bigger. I'm thinking Haunkah owes a big thank you to Christmas.
Teachers. How many jobs let you have off for a few weeks in the middle of the year? Teachers should be very grateful to Christmas.
Cranky uncles. You know those old nasty uncles who everyone wants to avoid because they're always made at someone and someone's always mad at them. They drink too much and complain a lot. And let's face it, they're probably gassy too. Well, eleven months out of the year they're dropped off the invitation list of every family function and family members would literally cross the street to avoid them but come December everyone starts feeling all forgivey and invites him because it's Christmas. (Also: see busybody aunts)
Fruitcake makers. 11 months out of the year those things are offensive and horrifying. But come Christmas time the makers of these yuletide doorstops are thanked effusively for their wares. Like Josh Groban.
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Love it. Always in for good humor.
ROFL re: your 5 year old. I have a 4 year old that may have him beat. This sweet boy is gorgeous, with eyelashes that make people swoon, and yet we neglect to take pictures (4th child). Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that it is quaint to have fewer pictures, like when I grew up. Come to think of it—- a lot of those pictures had Christmas trees in them. Now I’m sad, and tempted to go wake him. Do pictures of them sleeping count? ;)
The fruitcake was originally the Medieval MRE, not really a dessert. No, I don’t know why they became holiday fare either; might have something to do with being soaked in alcoholic beverages (originally as a preservative measure).
Josh Groban isn’t hiding in a hole - he plays the drunken brother on The Office. How fun is that?
hey!! as someone who makes extremely good fruitcake that tastes nothing like the average fruitcake, i resemble that remark. and i like listening to The Groban except at Christmastime.
Yeah, and take it from a K-8 art teacher, the experience of scissors, glue, clay and paint in the hands of sugar-bombed, holiday crazed, children is one of the 7 layers of heck Dante forgot to write about. This last day before vacation deserves two weeks recovery/vacation at least and will probably knock about 5 years off purgatory (that’s the happy thought carrying me through until cocktail hour).
What atheists actually sue for is the prevention of overt displays of religiosity from the government and on government-controlled lands. The government is supposed to be neutral and not favor one religious view over another. Now I suppose our public lands could devote a religious ecumenical display with all the religions in our community displayed, but that would be expensive wouldn’t it? Omitting religious displays would be a good small government solution, not devoting our tax dollars toward wasteful expenditures. Matt, Pat and every other republicatholic here should be on our side on this, amirite?
Atheists, fighting wasteful expenditures and for smaller government. Maybe the mayans were right.
And let’s not forget the entire cast of “A Christmas Story.” Most disappeared from the big-screen, but no doubt enjoy the royalties they receive as Christmas comes around.
When you’ve sold 30,000,000 cds then your opinion will carry more weight. You also might want to check Josh Groban’s twitter account. He has over 500,000 followers. He is much funnier on twitter than you are in this sorry excuse of an article. As a musician I listen to JG all the time. I have all of his cds and have pre-ordered his newest cd All That Echoes due out Feb. 5, 2013. Now go back to banging your head on the wall while listening to the kind of music you prefer.
“When you’ve sold 30,000,000 cds then your opinion will carry more weight.”
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I’m running a little short of money right now, what with this being the Christmas season and all. I do have an idea, though. I’ve got this lump of coal - I’m going to give it to you. I trust that within six weeks I will have a diamond, and I am willing to split the proceeds.
“Matt, Pat and every other republicatholic here should be on our side on this, amirite?”
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What you lack in substance you certainly make up for in cutsey cliches.
Who IS Josh Groban? Apparently his career took off when he sang a duet with Celine Dion. That’s all I need to know to want nothing to do with him.
If you need me, Linda, I will in fact be banging my head. \,,/
Such cynicism, sarcasm and nastiness! And this is the Complete Catholic News Source? My, last time I went to a Catholic church I don’t remember anyone teaching this kind of brotherly love! Maybe you need to say a few more Hail Mary’s. You’re lucky God is forgiving.
Wow. Never realized “Catholics” were such haters. Or, maybe you are pretending.to be ...
So,you consider yourself capable of expressing the feelings of Catholics everywhere or what? Your disgusting comments about Josh Groban and his family are beneath contempt. I don’t know who is foolish enough to pay you for your work, but they should stop. YOU are an embarrassment to all Christians,but most especially to the Catholic Church.I would think you could find much more productive things to do instead…like a long time out in your room while you rethink how a good person,a Christian person is supposed to treat his fellow man.If we wanted to discuss families, maybe your’s should have spent some time with you behind a woodshed.Josh Groban’s talent is world renown..you are not.Jealousy is a sin.SO, get over yourself and apologize for most of what you write.
Matt, I gotta send you my fruitcake. Not all fruitcaskes are doorstops, just like not all doorstops are fruitcakes. Too bad I cant get the fruits to make it with except Thanksgiving-to-Christmas. Sigh….
It’s funny Matt. You’re a nice writer but more and more when I read your stuff I think I live in a different world from you. And I’m in the first ring Philly burbs too. I live in a world where scores and stats are ruthlessly kept in sports starting at six years old. In a house where all three toilet seats are pretty much up. Where my big kids grab their cell phones and snap endless pictures of the little kids. Where even I - who know practically nothing about popular music - enjoy hearing Josh Groban’s voice throughout the year. Where I specifically time my elliptical exercise to be able to watch certain programs on the Hallmark Channel while working out. Where I recycle gift bags and boxes year after year (after year). And where we invite the smelly, ornery cousin to all our family gatherings, because, well, he’s family.
Matthew you are an idiot. What has Josh Groban ever done to you?
How can a publication that purports to be Christian be saying such nasty things about Josh Groban? This is public bullying. Just because you may not like a person does not just justify such insulting statements. How on earth can the Catholic Church allow this type of public bullying on church website?
Your comments about separation of church and state are ignorant and misleading. The idea is not to attack religion, but the public promotion of religion.
There was an interesting incident not too long ago where a public building decided to show displays from all religions at Christmas. This is allowed. What is not allowed is to discriminate and show displays from only one religion. So, they put up something from local Christian, Jewish, and Atheist groups, so as to be non-discriminatory. Then a Muslim group asked for a Muslim display. This was too much for the locals, and they decided to take everything down, which only goes to show that their intent was always discriminatory—and why we need separation of church and state.
This entire post is juvenile, misleading, and abusive. I believe the writer should be disciplined by whoever runs this site.
I dunno, Matt - these humour-impared readers of yours are giving you a run for your comedic money!
Loved the post…snickered my way through it…guess that means I, too, ought to be “disciplined by whoever runs this site.” Holy mackerel! For the good of my soul, no doubt.
I suggest that the all-knowing website authority automatically re-direct readers who have no sense of humor…perhaps to a website with Hallmark channel previews. After reading the rebukes from others, I had to re-read it and make sure I hadn’t missed your horribleness. Nah, made me laugh again. Good thing you only insulted J.Groban and not Michael Bolton—-wait a minute…You’re toast!
I love reading what you write—-at least for now, while you are still uncensored by a roaming gang of Michael Bolton fans and fruitcake promoters.
P.S. Eileen: please send your kids with the cell phone to take pictures over here. Mine would undoubtedly break mine, and I need the money to buy Groban’s next cd.
Dear Straight Arrow, the atheists put up a display? That would be interesting! Tell me more about it.
BTW, did you hear about the atheist who said: Thank God, I am an atheist! He needs a faith lift and a praise maker, if you ask me.
I love your humor, Mr. Archbold! I got a good laugh at the things you mentioned here. Especially the pictures and your five year old. And the Josh Groban thing. That was great. :-) I don’t know what’s with some of these other commenters who are upset; they baffle me. Don’t let them get to you though. You are hilarious; keep up the good work! And a Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Stephanie, do some research on JOscar Groban. Bulllying starts with adults.
I’m sure talking about Josh Groban assured that your otherwise mundane
article would be read by at least a half million people. He is known the world over and aids many charities. I never heard of you until you mentioned Josh’s name. Thay’s a sneaky way to have your work read but I guess it worked. You owe him a “Thank you”.
I appreciate your sense of humor—- but I did find this rather mean spirited and was surprised to find it in a Catholic publication.
Thanks.
I even avoid the Hallmark Channel during Christmastime.Cheesy in July= cheesier in December.
This one went a bit too far, I’m afraid. Especially the Josh Groban and Hanukkah comments. I’m not a fan of josh Groban, but these insults were unnecessary. And the comment about Hanukkah owing something to Christmas—complete with the “sp?” as if it is some obscure and inconsequential word you can’t bother to look up—were you sober when you wrote that? How would you feel if someone of another religion made a comment about Corpus Christi or the Feast of the Immaculate Conception being “minor holidays” just because they aren’t celebrated with trees and gifts?
Josh Groban sings the most beautiful “Ave Maria” that I have ever heard.
Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype some people have of Catholics as both mean-spirited and humor impaired. If you’re going to be nasty, at least try to be funny.
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