Print Article | Email Article | Write To Us

Those (Besides Kids) Who Love Christmas for Completely Selfish Reasons

12/20/2012 Comments (30)

Christmas is the season of unselfishness and love. But let's face it, there's plenty of folks who probably love Christmas for completely selfish reasons. Among them may just be:

Josh Groban. Let's face it. Precious few people want to hear from The Groban unless it's Christmas time and he's singing the only song that people want to hear from him. He's like a Christmas version of Michael Bolton but with bad hair. I don't think Groban's family is even all into seeing him unless it's Christmas time. But every year around this time the Groban becomes a celebrity again. He's like the groundhog. One time a year he's huge and then he crawls back into a hole in the ground somewhere.


Atheists. For many atheists, the world becomes a combox during Christmas time. Christmas season is their favorite time of year because they get to attack the baby Jesus openly. They file lawsuits all over the country demanding that the baby Jesus be removed from anywhere the public can see Him. They get to wave around the Constitution and yell about the separation of Church and state even though the Constitution doesn't actually say anything about the separation of Church and state.


The Hallmark Channel. Nobody watches the Hallmark Channel until Christmas time. Nobody. It's like the Lifetime Network without any of the gripping "ripped from the headlines" storylines. But come Christmas, they cash in. These are the geniuses who can make people cry over a commercial and they unleash all that blatant sentimentality over a whole network designed to make you cry in a good way. That's all these people do. And they're good at it. There are zero surprises on the Hallmark Channel. It's like the opposite of M. Night Shyamalan. And that's a good thing.


Tape/ gift wrap companies. Gift wrap is the stupidest thing ever invented. What's its purpose?  Think about it? You wait months to get a gift and you give it to the person with colored paper all over it so they can't see what they got for about five more seconds. And then it gets ripped up and torn aside like Josh Groban's feelings.


Younger children. Let's face it. When you've got more than a few children the younger ones just don't get photographed as much as the older ones did. My five year old may be the most unphotographed child in America. There's more photographic evidence of the chupacabra than my five year old. But come Christmas we snap tons. If historians write about my five year old in the future they'll say she grew up in a strange civilization that only wore red hats and planted trees in the middle of their living room.


Hanukkah. Chanukah (sp?)was always considered sort of a minor holiday but Christmas becoming super duper popular kind of elevated it into something bigger. I'm thinking Haunkah owes a big thank you to Christmas.


Teachers. How many jobs let you have off for a few weeks in the middle of the year? Teachers should be very grateful to Christmas.


Cranky uncles. You know those old nasty uncles who everyone wants to avoid because they're always made at someone and someone's always mad at them. They drink too much and complain a lot. And let's face it, they're probably gassy too. Well, eleven months out of the year they're dropped off the invitation list of every family function and family members would literally cross the street to avoid them but come December everyone starts feeling all forgivey and invites him because it's Christmas. (Also: see busybody aunts)

Fruitcake makers. 11 months out of the year those things are offensive and horrifying. But come Christmas time the makers of these yuletide doorstops are thanked effusively for their wares. Like Josh Groban.

Filed under

About Matthew Archbold

Matthew Archbold
  • Get the RSS feed
Matt Archbold graduated from Saint Joseph's University in 1995. He is a former journalist who left the newspaper business to raise his five children. He writes for the Creative Minority Report.