I’ve worked in public relations so I know some of the rules. You know who breaks all of them? Pope Benedict XVI. I’ve got to imagine that Pope Benedict’s PR man would be pretty frustrated with him about now if he had one.
I’d imagine his message to the Pope would be something like this:
“Benny baby how’s it goin’? Fantabulous. Great great great. But I gotta’ tell you I’m getting a little concerned that you’re veering a wee bit from my recommended plan. You did get the plan, right? I gave it to one of the cardinals to forward to you. I’ll have to get his name from my assistant but he was a little old Italian cardinal with a red hat. So you can probably find him based on that.
Anyway, let’s talk Turkey. You do the whole holy thing and that’s cool but I’m a p.r. man. I know p.r. I read recently that you apologized for the sex abuse scandal. AGAIN. Benny Benny baby you’ve apologized for that already. A lot. I know you’re really into the whole “confession” thing but keep it in the little box, you know what I mean. Asking people to forgive is like swimming in the shark tank in a chum flavored bathing suit. It’s gonna’ end bloody.
Here’s the deal - when scandal hits, you apologize once and then refuse to talk about it ever again. Please simply refer all questions after that to me and I’ll just refer them back to your original apology. That’s how p.r. is handled baby.
We good on that now?
Another major point is your branding. I think you’re confusing the peeps. Nowadays it’s all about niche marketing. You have to find a niche and stick. You’re anti-abortion and that’s cool. Polling indicates that a lot of young people are increasingly pro-life so that’s a good move. You saw ahead of the trend and I give you mad props for that. But if you’re pro-life you’re a conservative and that’s fine. There’s a lot of them out there but then you come out and criticize the excesses of capitalism. You’re killing the brand Benny. You’re making my life a lot harder too. But I’m here for you.
Benny baby, you gotta pick a side. If you’re a liberal embrace it but along with that comes the whole pro-choice thing and gay marriage right, oh and definitely gay marriage. But if you’re a conservative you can’t be mouthing off about the dangers of capitalism like you do sometimes. You’re confusing everyone.
You know, at some point you’re going to take my advice on something. Anything. I know I told you to wear the Gucci sunglasses and the bright red Prada loafers. I admit that wasn’t the greatest advice but this stuff I’m giving you today is pure gold. Here’s the plan - if our poll numbers dip, there’s always condoms, female ordination or maybe gay marriage. That’ll buy us some great headlines. I could get you 60 Minutes with just one of those.
Come on just one woman priest - whaddya mean you don’t have the ability? I thought you was infallible or something? My ex-wife thought she was infallible too.
You know, not for nothing but watching everything you say and do one would almost get the idea that you didn’t care at all about playing the p.r. game. Almost like you have some other agenda…I don’t know. Whatevs. Later Benny. I’ve got to take a call. The Anglicans are on the line. Now they listen to me.
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Amazing! Brilliant! Thank you. God bless!
Haha! I got a mental image of a gut named Guido with jeans and a stylishly tacky leather jacket waiving his handa around in Italian rhetorical fashion and speaking with a Brooklyn accent.
Was he also Maciel’s PR shill?
I agree. They need to handle PR professionally in the Vatican because what they do affects billions of Catholics. With regards the pope, I guess he really feels for the victims that he has the need to take on himself the sins of every impure cleric. And, he has cast off that model of the Church that can do no wrong, to don the sack cloth of admitting the Church’s sinfulness. For him, it is better to err of the side of excess when it comes to contrition. This must be a reaction to the hypocritical denial of those cardinals and bishops during the abuses. From the worldly standpoint, it is a flaw. But perhaps, that is the light that is shown him and one that he faithfully follows.
This is not a PR rep. This is a publicist. A public relations professional is dedicated to truth, first and foremost. and publicist just wants happy talk,
The Pope is not in the PR business. As the Vicar of Christ he is in the “business” of being the leader of the world’s Catholics. Pope Benedict could have the best PR person on the planet and it wouldn’t matter one bit! The liberal media and special interest groups are relentless in their pursuit of getting anything and everything that could discredit him and the Catholic Church! The Catholic Church is at “war” with those that do not like who we are and what we stand for. My response to all of them is, “bring it on”!
Thank you for a hearty laugh on a cloudy day
Mary, Mary, Mary. Ya gotta get off that Kool-Aid.
I don’t get it! Isn’t anything sacred to people in your generation, Matt?
To refer to The Pope as Benny, etc. is rude and disrespectful, etc. I did not find your article funny at all—-actually it sounded rather stupid. Why is it that commedians (& that is what you sounded like) think they can away with anything at all. I know you will have a name for your diatribe above, but I still think it very disrespectful of our Pope.
Mattie, Mattie you are more than a little batty! Anyone can make fun of the Pope or Jesus Christ or the Blessed Mother. It doesn’t make one cute or funny-just pathetic!
hrh, hrh, hrh (or whatever your name is because you didn’t care to reveal your full name), I must have hit a nerve so which was it, you’re pro abortion or pro same sex marriage. If you’re Catholic you’re a pathetic one. And on yes, I don’t drink Kool-Aid. If you are going to insult someone and least make it original and not use lines that are Bill O’Reilly originals! Like I said, bring it on!
PS Frank I agree with you!
Get a sense of humor and irony, people. The entire column is in praise of the infallibility and the good sense of Benedict XVI. Don’t be so stodgy that you can’t see truthful points!
It might be helpful for those offended to realize the PR and/or Publicist here is not the protagonist. I would refer you to Bob Newhart’s series of sketches wherein the PR guy was always a buffoon on the wrong side of history.
Dear Matthew,
Your piece was brilliantly funny, and more important, through the mirror of irony, showed up the media’s and general public’s lack of understanding of what a Pope is.
I hope that the offence apparently taken by some readers was also ironic.
I don’t think you are being disrespectful at all - brilliant way to make a point about the secular world we live in. God bless Pope Benedict and what the Catholic Church teaches!!!
How can any thinking person accept the church’s feeble apologies to generations of sexual abuse survivors while the Pope has done nothing so far to drag these predator priests (and those who hid their crimes) out from the protection of the church and into the harsh light of the criminal justice system? Victims don’t need stage-managed apologies - they need justice and a church with the moral muscle to finally go to bat for them.
Consider this stupefyingly preposterous cover-up excuse by retired Archbishop of Milwaukee Rembert Weakland, who was the direct supervisor of 58 priests accused of sexual assaults on minors under his watch:
“We all considered sexual abuse of minors as a moral evil, but had no understanding of its criminal nature.”
This is precisely the kind of bafflegab that somebody in this broken church is advising. If the Pope really wanted to take some PR advice, he might do well to do a wholesale housecleaning of the church from the very top to the very bottom. In PR, as in life, PERCEPTION of actually doing something meaningful is what counts.
More on this at “Lessons From Toyota From The Pope” at The Ethical Nag: Marketing Ethics For The Easily Swayed:
http://www.ethicalnag.org/2010/04/15/grabowski-valpy-pope/
The Catholic Church is not run like a corporation. The Pope is not a CEO. The bishops have autonomy to a great extent over their own diocese and they were responsible for making the decisions on “their priests”. Clearly in some cases poor decisions were made whether out of ignorance or deliberately.
Abuse occurs in every religion and in every area of the population but this has been a deliberate attempt by the media driven by hate to destroy the Pope.
The media is complicit in not telling the entire truth. The vast majority of the reported cases involved sex with teenage boys. The media over and over again reported and continues to identify the problem as “pedophilia”. This is an inaccurate identification. Pedophilia is sex with prepubescent children. An independent study was conducted and the data supports that most of the cases involved homosexual activity – sex with teenage boys – which should not be classified as pedophilia. The correct term is ephebophilia which is the preference of sex with teenagers and in this case it was teenage boys which makes it homosexual activity. Men having sex with boys is homosexual activity and there is no getting around that. Don’t misunderstand that I am excusing what took place. Abuse is abuse regardless of what age is involved. However, it is important to make the distinction between pedophilia and homosexual activity. When have you heard the media report that the vast majority of the abuse occurred with teenage boys? Practically never! The media is involved in a cover up. They have made the decision to not tell the entire truth to the world. Ignorant people who are not aware of the data are buying into inaccurate stories. The media is more concerned about not revealing the truth because what a bombshell that would be and what an uproar there would be from the homosexual activists. The media is on a mission to discredit and to destroy the Catholic Church because of her position on moral issues (abortion and homosexuality). They are more concerned with their agenda than the truth.
If anyone wishes to take issue with the Catholic Church for having made poor decisions then it must and it should include the complicit activity of the media.
“...Abuse occurs in every religion and in every area of the population but this has been a deliberate attempt by the media driven by hate to destroy the Pope…”
Really, Mary? You honestly think that it’s the media in the wrong here, and not generations of predator priests and a church that protected the predators?
Consider this excerpt from a Maclean’s interview (Dec. 7, 2009): “John Swales was only 10 years old back in 1969 when he and later his two younger brothers as well were first assaulted by Father Barry Glendinning at a summer camp for low-income kids in Ontario. The real failing here is the institutional response to these deviants. Every culture, every occupation, has these issues of sexual abuse. BUT FEW HAVE THE ABILITY TO CONCEAL SEXUAL ABUSE LIKE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DOES.”
And for you to sidestep into the inane ‘pedophilia vs ephebophilia’ muddle is truly appalling. Are you somehow implying that these priests were merely engaging in consensual homosexual “relationships” with teenagers?
What is wrong with you people?
Great sense of humor Matt!
And everyone else: PLEASE DON’T FEED THE TROLLS!
Carolyn, I would like to call your attention to the following article which talks about abuse in the Protestant churches. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,286153,00.html
Father Jonathan Morris makes a very good point about the Protestant church being more de-centralized than the Catholic Church. This makes very good sense and also points to the lack of data available on abuse that occurs in other religions. Notice that the Protestant churches have a slightly higher reported rate of abuse than the Catholic Church.
I stand by my comment that the media is on a mission to discredit the Pope and the Catholic Church. As I have also said I do not make excuses for any priest molesting a minor and I have not said that a minor consented to having sex.
What I did say was that this issue has a very strong homosexual component to it. The distinction I made is very, very important to understanding who the predators in most cases actually were. I don’t for one minute deny any cases of pedophilia but the vast majority of cases was homosexual in nature. The Church has in recent years come out with directives to seminaries on being very cautious about admitting men to the priesthood who have a very strong homosexual identity. Today, we have many young heterosexual priests with a strong male identity who live a chaste life. Many of them are entering the priesthood after being in the workplace. They are orthodox in their views and are very happy very men and a real joy to be around.
Mary, against my better judgement, I feel oddly compelled to respond to your frighteningly homophobic comments.
Pointing out Protestants who are apparently better at molesting minors than Catholics are is totally irrelevant. It’s like if you and I were caught red-handed stealing from the cookie jar, but I tried to deflect blame by insisting that your stolen cookie was bigger than mine.
Who cares? Wrong is wrong. At least, the Catholic church I was raised in taught me that.
I did read the Fox News article by “Father Jonathan” that you recommended. By the way, next time you want to bolster your argument, you might choose to quote an independent expert (not a PRIEST who is, not surprisingly, an apologist for those who provide his bread and butter).
One thing that “Father Jonathan” did write for Fox News rang true, however, while at the same time unwittingly dismissing the relevance in the rest of his opinion about those naughty Protestants:
“Let’s be clear: the report of abuse in Protestant Churches in no way clears guilty members of the Catholic Church — neither the predators nor those who moved them from church to church and put other young people in danger.”
And THAT is the point - not whether the predators are gay or straight, but how efficient their superiors were in the cover up of their criminal activity.
Love it! Too funny!
Carolyn, Mary is about at homophobic as you are Catholophic… ponder that and get back with me on it.
According to the independent John Jay College report, just under 80% of the abuse in the Catholic Church was male priests abusing post-pubescent young men. These men were not attracted to girls or women. HOMO means same.
The nature of the abuse and the sex was homosexual.
Recounting this information does not make one afraid of homosexuals, no more than saying I don’t like Obama’s policies makes me a racist, yet some people are quick to play both cards.
Also, please don’t tell Mary to not use the priest as a source, and then you go on and do so yourself. What’s good for her is good for you as well.
As far as the abuse cases being slightly higher in the Protestant churches and who cares, I do, and so do many other Christians. Children in those denominations deserve the same protection against sexual abuse afforded in Catholic instutions today.
Thank you, liseux – couldn’t have said it better myself!
Carolyn, you sound like a very angry woman and you identify yourself on your blog as a “recovering Catholic” whatever that means.
Let’s get one thing understood. God and the Catholic Church teaches me to love everyone – which I do! God and the Catholic Church teaches me to not love homosexual activity – which I do not! If that makes me “homophobic” in your opinion then you better take that up with God and not me.
Let’s understand one another. The Catholic Church was and still is the Church founded by Christ. The Church is one, holy, catholic and apostolic which means that she is the real deal and not some recreated version of Christian worship that has morphed itself into modernity. Case in point, the Episcopal Church who has ordained an openly gay Bishop. Give me a break! Many people are reacting to that and leaving the Episcopal Church because of it. They know this is not Christianity.
If you or anyone else wants to join a church that is “inclusive” or not “homophobic” you have that option. I, however, prefer to remain in The Truth. Remember one thing, the Catholic Church is not holy because of its human members who sin and have sinned from the beginning of Adam and Eve. The Catholic Church is HOLY because it is Christ Who is the head. This is His church and those of us who are Catholic have an obligation to live our lives as He commanded. Some of us fail miserably (the priests who molested minors, and those that ignored or covered up the abuse) but He promised to be with us always and He is and as long as I believe the Catholic Church belongs to Him (which I do) I am at peace being where I am and where I know He is.
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