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The Pope's PR Man

06/29/2010 Comments (24)

I’ve worked in public relations so I know some of the rules. You know who breaks all of them? Pope Benedict XVI. I’ve got to imagine that Pope Benedict’s PR man would be pretty frustrated with him about now if he had one.

I’d imagine his message to the Pope would be something like this:

“Benny baby how’s it goin’? Fantabulous. Great great great. But I gotta’ tell you I’m getting a little concerned that you’re veering a wee bit from my recommended plan. You did get the plan, right? I gave it to one of the cardinals to forward to you. I’ll have to get his name from my assistant but he was a little old Italian cardinal with a red hat. So you can probably find him based on that.

Anyway, let’s talk Turkey. You do the whole holy thing and that’s cool but I’m a p.r. man. I know p.r. I read recently that you apologized for the sex abuse scandal. AGAIN. Benny Benny baby you’ve apologized for that already. A lot. I know you’re really into the whole “confession” thing but keep it in the little box, you know what I mean. Asking people to forgive is like swimming in the shark tank in a chum flavored bathing suit. It’s gonna’ end bloody.

Here’s the deal - when scandal hits, you apologize once and then refuse to talk about it ever again. Please simply refer all questions after that to me and I’ll just refer them back to your original apology. That’s how p.r. is handled baby.

We good on that now?

Another major point is your branding. I think you’re confusing the peeps. Nowadays it’s all about niche marketing. You have to find a niche and stick. You’re anti-abortion and that’s cool. Polling indicates that a lot of young people are increasingly pro-life so that’s a good move. You saw ahead of the trend and I give you mad props for that. But if you’re pro-life you’re a conservative and that’s fine. There’s a lot of them out there but then you come out and criticize the excesses of capitalism. You’re killing the brand Benny. You’re making my life a lot harder too. But I’m here for you.

Benny baby, you gotta pick a side. If you’re a liberal embrace it but along with that comes the whole pro-choice thing and gay marriage right, oh and definitely gay marriage. But if you’re a conservative you can’t be mouthing off about the dangers of capitalism like you do sometimes. You’re confusing everyone.

You know, at some point you’re going to take my advice on something. Anything. I know I told you to wear the Gucci sunglasses and the bright red Prada loafers. I admit that wasn’t the greatest advice but this stuff I’m giving you today is pure gold. Here’s the plan - if our poll numbers dip, there’s always condoms, female ordination or maybe gay marriage. That’ll buy us some great headlines. I could get you 60 Minutes with just one of those.

Come on just one woman priest - whaddya mean you don’t have the ability? I thought you was infallible or something? My ex-wife thought she was infallible too.

You know, not for nothing but watching everything you say and do one would almost get the idea that you didn’t care at all about playing the p.r. game. Almost like you have some other agenda…I don’t know. Whatevs. Later Benny. I’ve got to take a call. The Anglicans are on the line. Now they listen to me.

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About Matthew Archbold

Matthew Archbold
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Matt Archbold graduated from Saint Joseph's University in 1995. He is a former journalist who left the newspaper business to raise his five children. He writes for the Creative Minority Report.