My life changed while I was lying on the roof of a beat up Chevy van looking up at the stars and drinking beer. I'd been living as an atheist for years though I would've denied the title. I preferred the term agnostic. I thought shrugging off truth as impossible to know was the intellectually superior position.
You see, while many atheists may look down on Christians, agnostics look down on all Christians and atheists. Poor Christians, on the other hand, have nobody to look down on but it seems to me that may perhaps be the point after all.
My friends and I rode from bar to bar every night of the week in that old van. That night it was parked in a dirt lot outside a bar. Like I said, I was drinking but that was nothing different for me. It wasn't so much as drinking "again" but "still." I came out to the parking lot and climbed up onto the top of the van and laid down. I would've laid down inside the van but it stunk too bad, and in case one of my buddies brought a girl back to the van I didn't want to intrude.
It was a Sunday night. I remember staring up at the stars and it hit me that that was all there was. Just matter, shifting in form. And we were simply accidents that occurred during a blip in time. Looking back I think it odd that that realization didn't horrify me at all. But it didn't. It just was. Accidental blips don't get offended by realizing they're accidental blips, I guess. At least this one didn't.
But as I lay there something else came unbidden into my mind. It occurred to me that either the world is an accident or it was made out of love. The possibility that creation was a conscious act, a completely free giving of love puzzled and astounded me.
As I lay there considering that, it became clear to me that a choice was necessary. I realized that in order to be intellectually honest with myself I could no longer pretend that the answers to the big questions weren't shrug worthy. Either the world was an accident or it was made as an expression of God's love for each of us. It seemed to me that the answer to that question wasn't just a matter of rearranging the furniture of my life, it would necessarily affect every action in my life.
So there it was. I laid there staring up at the stars for I have no idea how long. But it was all the time I needed. At some point in the night I chose love.
I'm not saying that I changed completely at that moment because I didn't. But the world did -- at least the way I saw it did. I remember my friends came out of the bar and we ran down the hill to a crowded pizza shop. As I sat there eating pizza I looked around and it hit me that these people mattered. Sadly, this was a new thought to me.
It struck me that if the world was a gift of love, then these people too were all created for love. These random people who were of no consequence to me just hours before mattered so much. Everyone mattered. That realization still bowls me over. I still remember feeling not only amazement but a responsibility as well. If these people mattered, then every interaction I have with others matters. A great deal.
My life didn't change right away after that. It was like entering a new world to which I hadn't found the map. I didn't know where I was but I was grateful for the gift of knowing I was lost. Sometimes that's all you need.
In my life I have chosen love, and not just that one night.
When I finally got my act together enough to attend college I found the woman of my dreams. She astounded me the first time I saw her. Unfortunately, she was a wonderful Catholic girl. But I stuck it out anyway. I chose love.
Believe me, nobody in the world was more upset to read <i>Humanae Vitae </i>in college than me. I finally found the girl of my dreams and then I had to read that wonderful document which hit me the way only truth can. On reading it, I was presented with a choice. Do I do what just about every part of me is telling me to do or do I choose love. I chose love.
I chose love because we are not called to simply be honest about what we want from each other. We are not called to simply avoid hurting each other. We're not called to randomly bounce about in skirmishes with each other like bumper cars with nerve endings. We are called to elevate each other. We are called to love.
When my wife and I married we made a decision to be open to life. We chose love. And we've gloried in each of the births of our children and suffered with each other over our babies that didn't make it. But that's part of it too. Sometimes I think we forget that love isn't supposed to protect us from grief. It's been my experience that love and grief are part of each other. But despite the pain, I assure you it's infinitely preferable to indifference.
I watched my father comfort my mother as he lay dying by patting her hand. Sometimes that's all we can do, comfort those whom we afflict. Sometimes I think I have to do that more than I should.
But I'm just talking about the big moments here. It's not enough to choose love in the big moments. It's choosing it in the every days.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in a given moment is exactly the thing you don't want to do. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is as mundane as taking out the trash or checking homework or giving a bath to the kids. Sometimes small things are the big things.
Love, even expressed in our mundane ways, is profound. Everything you read from the Church is about how to love. It truly is the most beautiful call in the history of the world. And I know it has changed me forever.
When given the stark choice between indifference and love, I chose love. And it has made all the difference.
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Since multiple religions claim love as their central theme, why not one of those?
Great Testimony, Thank you Matt!
DKeane, Because God who is Love itself revealed himself to us through human history - salvation history. And God showed us our sacredness and immortality, by becoming one of us, and suffering and dying at the hands of those who would not accept the truth about God and man. He has shown us the way, and given us His Church to guide and sustain us, morally and spiritually. Beautiful story - beauty is truth; truth, beauty.
Thanks Matt
that was beautiful
I especially liked:
“I was grateful for the gift of knowing I was lost.”
I wish everybody could find what we found. :)
I pray that someone out there looking for meaning comes across your story. This is article is the kind of jewel that is available through the new evangelization. Thanks for spreading the good news.May God bless you.
Matt: That was a very beautiful reflection, especially the part about realizing that all the people in the pizza place mattered.
DKeane: Multiple religions don’t, actually, claim love as their central theme. Which is not to say that most religions don’t put a priority on love. But the incarnation of Christ is unique as a religious claim, and its implications of the immense value of each person, is unique.
@DKeane, on a more practical level, I think Matt was raised Catholic, so it made sense for him to return to the religion he was most familiar with.
This is a work of art .... The true the good the beautiful It’s all here in this story.. God is good. And yes, God is Love.
Christ died for LOVE of us
and we all have to go through our own crucifixtion. We can all think of horrible things that could happen to us BUT if we don’t accept them BUT take the easy way out- the devil’s way without love, we can lose our souls. The easy way out -abortion, euthanasia, suicide, theft, corruption—- definite not LOVE.
DKeane: The Word of God became the Son of Man to know, love and serve God.
I LOVE this article and I most definitely WILL be using it in my Ministry!
On a sad note, it’s too bad ALL bishops did not read Humanae Vitae the way that Matt did as he stated in his article. There they were bishops. Leaders. Shepherds. And they did not choose LOVE. While Matt, one of their wondering sheep, along with so many others, were left to figure it out on their own. Praise God that Matt did! But what about all of those souls who were led astray? Shameful. They will have to answer to the God of the Universe for that someday, and perhaps many have already been confronted by Christ as to why they failed/refused to properly lead and feed His sheep!
From one Catholic bro to another…. that’s a moving testimony! God bless you!
@Gail: Just wondering how the “incarnation of Christ is unique as a religious claim” supports the idea that love is central to the catholic faith.
Home run. Four-bagger. Cleared the bases. Moon shot. Dinger. Round tripper.
You got all of that one.
DKeane, The central claim of Christianity isn’t just “be nice to each other” which is what most people think of when they think of love. Love is defined as doing good for another without considering the cost to oneself. Being nice is just making another person _feel_ good, but love means doing the right thing even when it doesn’t feel good.
In Christianity we believe that all creation was made BY Love for love. That God, in his very nature, pours himself out for the good of another and we are meant to learn to participate in this gift of self. It is central to Christianity because in the Incarnation (Jesus becoming man), God empties himself and becomes man for the good of man. Jesus isn’t just a nice guy who taught us to share our toys, he is the embodiment of what it means to love and what we are each called to do.
Stunningy beautiful! I hope it touches many hearts. Thank you, Matthew!
What a beautiful article. I too was raised Catholic and over the younger years and all the way into my early 40’s eventually identified myself as agnostic. I simply didn’t believe.
When my conversion started in my mid-40’s, it was seemingly against my will, all the while. It was so powerful and other-worldly (and long) that it truly seemed impossible to resist, though I did every step of the way.
My final resistance was becoming Catholic, becoming a truly believing Roman Catholic. I simply would not do that and I told God that. Heh.
The reason I am a Roman Catholic isn’t because that’s how I was raised and therefore familiar. And I suspect Mr. Archbold might say something similar. It’s because it’s true. Wow. It’s truth.
Amazing Grace, how sweet it is.
@DKeane: Matthew didn’t choose those “other religions” because The Holy Spirit doesn’t work that way—it moves man’s spirit toward the complete truth. Other religions are manmade; either completely pagan (like Buddhism) or deist but containing partial truths. They are not the one true faith established by God through Jesus Christ. Have you ever considered that may be the reason why you here reading this instead of a Buddhist page?
I had a similar moment, and I chose Atheism. I thought about all the myriads of worlds and galaxies, and I considered for a moment the possibility that one little man (I was thinking of the pope) could decide for all time and space the morality of a choice. My choice eventually led me to Buddhism, which was a quiet place to hide myself from the tough questions.
I was young, and I was concerned only with my own survival. It was only after my loved ones began to slip into the next world that I began to reconsider the tough questions. I had tried many Christian denominations over the years but I had successfully avoided the Catholic Church behind my house. I tried it on for size, and was surprised to find that it added a certain dimension and weight to my somewhat unsubstantial theological ideas.
However, it took a certain amount of study and may I say it, metaphysical meddling, before I was convinced. I was not an easy sell. However, I was looking. I was sidetracked for several years, but I knew it couldn’t last. I worry about the people I see who are not looking, who are only too satisfied with what they are given. They may seem happy, but their boots are light. They are likely to be swept away in the storms. I know that this world is a place of struggle, and that God will win in the end. I do what I can and I try not to worry too much. I trust in God.
So, does this mean you’re going to unblock me on Twitter?
I haven’t done an exhaustive study, but I think the Christian claims of, “God is Love,” and “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” are pretty much unique among world religions.
@Paul: Buddhism & atheism do not follow the workings of the Holy Spirt, they oppose it. Don’t be surprised if one day you realize this and change your mind again. You’re heart will never rest until you find the complete truth. Meanwhile, we’re still praying for your conversion.
I must say, Matt, one of your very best articles!
This is so beautiful. God bless you and your family!
Nice.
@That Hat Lady: Paul ends his post with a minimalist description of his conversion to Holy Mother Church. He has come home to Rome.
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