What Parents Say / What Kids Hear

08/08/2012 Comments (13)

I am Charlie Brown's incomprehensible teacher. I don't know how it happened but it did. I think it happens to all parents. No matter what parents think they're saying, I've discovered that it's not what children are hearing.

So after years of intense studies at places like Chuck E. Cheese and playgrounds I've discovered that there are certain things that parents say that children just clearly hear differently. (Mind you, I don't say all of these but I've heard them at least a thousand times.) So I offer to you my  What Parents Say / What Kids Hear Dictionary:

"Clean your room" = Go upstairs and sit on your bed and complain about your parents for half an hour even if you're in the room...READ MORE

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In Defense of Summer Vacation

08/03/2012 Comments (39)

I'm sitting by the pool watching my five kids cheat at Marco Polo in the pool with their cousins. They've been in the pool for almost two hours when my four year old comes running over to show me her wrinkled hands. But she doesn't want to get out of the pool. She just thinks it's cool to have "little old lady hands."

I'm watching the kids and reading a piece by President Obama's former budget director Peter Orszag who seems to think summer vacation is making kids dumb and fat. I guess he wants to get rid of it. He writes:


It’s July, and for many of us, that brings back fond childhood memories of family vacations, summer camp or long, happy days spent playing with friends. But...READ MORE

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A "Humane" Abortion?

07/26/2012 Comments (27)

I am a father of five children here on Earth. And three more who, with God's mercy, I hope to meet in Heaven someday. I think about those children sometimes (often). It's not something I talk about often (ever?) but I mourn them.

You don't know when grief from something like that will hit. Sometimes it's when someone tells me they're shocked that I have five children. I say, "Yes I have five children." And I secretly think of the three.

Sometimes it's random moments when the kids are getting into the van and I think of the seats that aren't filled with laughing messy children. It stops me for a second and I have to accept it all over again and go on. I have to remind myself to...READ MORE

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7 Hilariously Pathetic Attempts At Relevance

07/23/2012 Comments (26)

Relevance. Sadly, it's the goal of most people alive today.

G.K. Chesterton said, “A dead thing goes with the stream. Only a living thing can go against it.” If that is true, the world is cluttered with dead things then and they're probably wearing leg warmers.

Here are 7 of the most hilariously pathetic attempts at relevance so pathetic that Levi Johnston didn't even make the list:

7) A community church attempts a "flash mob" and inadvertently creates a black hole that sucked all happiness from a 100 mile radius. Children eating ice cream cones suddenly burst into tears three states away. Let's face it, when your church attempts a flash mob, chances are 99.999867% that it ends up...READ MORE

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Let's Pray for a Young Woman Who Has to Choose Between her Health and Her Conscience

07/18/2012 Comments (32)

I saw the news last night that a lawsuit against the HHS mandate had been dismissed by a federal judge. The news reports all focused on the seven states and the attorneys general who’d filed the suit. Some of the reports eventually got around to referring to "an individual" who had also signed on to the suit.

But that individual has a name. It's Stacy Thomlison, a Catholic convert and FOCUS missionary who agreed to be a plaintiff in the suit against the HHS mandate because she didn’t want to pay for insurance that covered abortifacients, contraceptives and sterilization procedures.

When I learned the lawsuit was tossed last night I gave her a call. I decided against calling the...READ MORE

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6 Reasons I Won't Support Condoleezza Rice for Vice President

07/13/2012 Comments (60)

I used to run political campaigns. I know how to strategize. I know how to read polls. So many years ago, I might have argued to you why Mitt Romney picking Condoleezza Rice as his vice presidential nominee would be a brilliant maneuver. But I can't do that anymore. I won't. Because some things matter more than polls. And I'm telling you now that I won't be able to vote for a Romney/Rice ticket. I just don't see how I could.

Here's a few reasons:


1) Abortion. When asked by a Washington Times reporter about her stance on abortion, she responded by calling herself "mildly pro-choice."

I guess babies killed during a Romney/Rice administration would only be mildly dead? Nope. They'd...READ MORE

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Overzealous Tambourine Player Tazed at Church Service. Seriously.

07/09/2012 Comments (59)

An overzealous tambourine player was tazed and pepper sprayed at a church service last week. Seriously.

Now, how many of you just said out loud, "That's terrible" while your inner rad-trad giggled at that headline like a 14 year old girl at a One Direction concert? Come on. There's a reason you clicked on the link and it wasn't to donate to the "Don't taze me bro" recovery fund.

I know you're not going to take my word that something like this actually happened so here's the actual news item, according to The Church Report:

    A woman was apparently playing a tambourine too loudly during Wednesday night services. When she refused to stop, the woman was escorted out by an off duty...READ MORE

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Woman Tries to Sell Her Soul on Ebay

07/06/2012 Comments (28)

A New Mexico woman attempted to sell her soul on Ebay, according to news reports.

Describing it as a "slightly used soul," the woman said she's offering buyers a kind of a "Carfax" so they can see the black and white marks her soul has accumulated over the years.

But the woman named Lori isn't selling her soul in some kind of weird macabre deal with the devil. You see, after being disabled in a drunk driving accident years ago, Lori told NBC 2 that she feels like she's "at the end of her rope" and just wants to connect with another soul. 

Now, it's easy to read this and have a quick knee jerk blogger reaction of outrage. And believe me I can bring the knee jerk blogger reaction of...READ MORE

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About Matthew Archbold

Matthew Archbold
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Matt Archbold graduated from Saint Joseph's University in 1995. He is a former journalist who left the newspaper business to raise his five children. He writes for the Creative Minority Report.