Relevance. Sadly, it's the goal of most people alive today.
G.K. Chesterton said, “A dead thing goes with the stream. Only a living thing can go against it.” If that is true, the world is cluttered with dead things then and they're probably wearing leg warmers.
Here are 7 of the most hilariously pathetic attempts at relevance so pathetic that Levi Johnston didn't even make the list:
7) A community church attempts a "flash mob" and inadvertently creates a black hole that sucked all happiness from a 100 mile radius. Children eating ice cream cones suddenly burst into tears three states away. Let's face it, when your church attempts a flash mob, chances are 99.999867% that it ends up just kinda' feeling like your cousin's wedding.
Help Wanted: Choreographer desperately needed for relevant community church. No religious affiliation necessary because it doesn't really seem to come up.
6) Mitt Romney singing "Who let the dogs out?" for absolutely no reason that anyone can ascertain other than that he's near black people.
Romney set hip hop back a decade just from the sheer force of his Mormonism. I think Vanilla Ice actually made fun of this.
5) Frank Sinatra donning the nehru jacket and love beads and recording Stevie Wonder songs. This was so terrible that it made the 60's last until 1973. This was so horrifying for so many that Steve Lawrence almost seemed cool for a second. To contrast, you know what John Wayne was doing in the 60's and 70's? Making the same exact awesome film and playing pretty much the same exact awesome character he did in the 1940's and 50's. I don't even want to tell you what The Duke would do with those beads if you even thought about asking him to wear them.
Sinatra thankfully didn't die during this confusing era and went back to the classic tux for which he's remembered. If he had died then, the nehru jacket would be equally as despised as Elvis' jumpsuit (which we'll get into later.)
4) Church sign relevance fail. You just know that in the 80's this church had something lame on their sign about "Frankie says Relax."
3) Elvis' jumpsuit, it can be argued, is the worst attempt at relevance because not only was it an epic fail, it was a completely unnecessary one as Elvis actually was cool. If I could hire a team of time traveling ninjas I'd devote them full time to preventing Elvis from ever climbing into a jumpsuit. Oh and they'd also tell him not to do drugs. But mostly keep him out of jumpsuits. (Out of respect there will be no photo of jumpsuit Elvis.)
2) Pole Dancing for Jesus
Also out of respect there'll be no photo of pole dancing but for oddly similar reasons because both of them just make me sad.
All you need to know are these lines from the news story covering it:
She said her goal is to teach fellow female churchgoers how to get fit, work their legs and core and to make a connection with God. The goal is not to teach women to be strippers.
"We do the upbeat contemporary Christian music because people have to bring their church program to get into the class, so we basically are just continuing the whole worship thing here," she said.
According to the studio's website, the first eleven women that bring in their church program every 2nd Sunday of the month receive a free class.
Here's the thing - anytime someone says "the whole worship thing" they're probably not actually into the whole worship thing.
1) Snoopy does "Flashbeagle." Seriously. This was Peanuts' attempt at relevance in the 80's. Charles M. Shulz wasn't dead yet when this was made but word has it that he climbed into a coffin and practiced rolling over in it when he saw this. This is so horrible that George Lucas only thought it was pretty good. In scientific terms, it's awfulness equals the amount of awfulness that you'd get if you combined Sinatra wearing love beads, Elvis in a jumpsuit, and a Christian Church flash mob if they were all dancing together at a Kevin Federline mall concert.
One thing to notice is that Flashbeagle is completely forgotten. And what gets shown over and over every year? What has attained classic status? This:
There's a lesson in this. And it's not just that Linus is awesome. In this world, you can don leg warmers, repeat catchphrases, and wrap love beads around your neck. But here's the thing - any act of attempted relevance will one day become irrelevant and probably seem silly to everyone. So it's best not to worry about relevance and just seek out timeless truths. And when you find them, tell everyone you know about them.
If you're doing something just because kids today are doing it, remember you're doing it because KIDS are doing it. Kids. You know those people who don't think they'll ever need Math in real life, cry pretty much all the time for reasons even they don't understand, and build wobbly ramps for their bicycles. And here's the kicker - those kids will grow up and mock you for attempting to be like them.
Relevance is only a goal if you've given up on truth. And truth doesn't have an expiration date. Embrace truth, forget relevance. Remember that so I don't have to send my time traveling ninjas to school you too.
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Goodness, that flashbeagle was awful. But your comment, perfect! ->“This is so horrible that George Lucas only thought it was pretty good”
I’d love to have the bumpersticker “Embrace Truth, Forget Relevance” on my bumperstickerless (save the “Choose Life” license plate) car. That’s one timeless message I’ll never have to try to scrape off because my “worldview” had changed.
“I don’t care whatchu say…my mama was NOT messin’ with Doc Harry!”
I couldn’t keep watching the first video. No words can describe how pathetic that flash mob was.
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“Charles M. Shulz wasn’t dead yet when this was made but word has it that he climbed into a coffin and practiced rolling over in it when he saw this.”
Sir, this indeed is a line that will forever make me writhe with jealousy that I didn’t think of it first.
Flashbeagle was so disgusting I couldn’t take more than 1:04 of the video. Can’t Youtube take it down for violating some kind of decency standard?
Hey, I LIKE Flashbeagle! It is NOT completely forgotten!
But other than that obvious error, you make an excellent point. Truth is timeless. Relevance…Abe Simpson said it best: “I used to be with it—but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’, and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me. IT’LL HAPPEN TO YOU.”
I never tire of watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
Actually, Sinatra once defined cool as well. That’s sort of the thing, in the 60s it suddenly became important to conform to non-conformity, and things haven’t been the same since.
In all seriousness, this is one of the top-10 best things I’ve ever read on the Register!
Hilarious article. I do think that you’ve missed something though. Truth is timeless because it is eternally relevant. The two are not juxtaposed to each other, nor are they mutually exclusive. All of these (with perhaps the exception of Flashbeagle) are attempts to matter at the moment. They are trying to be relevant but just missed what truly is “pertinent to the matter at hand”. The human heart wants to matter to the world. Linus’ quoting of the Christmas story is relevant every year because it is truth.
King of the Hill had a great episode about this. Bobby was going to a youth group with a skateboarding youth pastor. Hank started to worry, and things came to a head when Bobby served as a hype-man at a gospel rap concert (“when I say ‘Holy’, you say ‘Ghost!’”).
When they got home, Hank showed him a box of discarded memories, like a pet rock and Members Only jacket and told him “Son, I don’t want God to end up in this box one day.” I thought it was perfect.
The late, great Joe Sobran once said that it is supremely awesome (in the Shakespeareian sense) to belong to a Church that was centuries behind the times, and deeply embarrassing to be in a Church that was five minutes behind the times, huffing and puffing to catch up.
Dang it! CJ beat me to it. This episode is the example I always use when I rant about religion trying to be “relevant.”
This is also the reason I advocate Gregorian Chant for the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. It’s timeless.
Dear Matthew & Pat,
Thanks for the nuggets of wisdom. Your reminder that “truth doesn’t have an expiration date” really resonates with me. I am adding it to my collection of brilliant quotes!
The Matthew & Pat Archbold blogs are high on my fav’s list!
Interestingly, guys like Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison and Tony Bennett made huge comebacks in the Eighties and Nineties, and did so by NOT changing their styles!
If Johnny Cash had tried to dress in sequins, or if Tony Bennett had tried to wear black leather, they wouldn’t have looked any cooler or sounded any better. They succeeded by staying true to themselves, and waiting for young crowds to rediscover them.
And, tellingly, even punk and grunge bands learned to respect and love what Johnny Cash did.
Okay, article but sadly takes pot-shots at Elvis rather stereotypically, as if you weren’t alive that decade. Okay, here’s a few pointers.
As many younger people due today, you seem to confuse late-period Elvis, say the Summer 1977 (at least nailing “How Great Thou Art” by the way) with the vital Elvis of the rest of the decade, a man who it was said “looked like a prince from another planet” from 1970 to at least 1974…yes, in a jumpsuit.
Go rent “That’s the Way It Is (1970)” and get back to us on how bad Elvis looked. Or look at stills from Madison Square Garden in New York in ‘72 or the first-worldwide satellie concert broadcast: “Aloha From Hawaii” the year later. The man looked fantastic, albeit in something most of us who never dare wear.
The ‘70s were garish for all pop performers, and especially in pop culture / rock’n'roll. Elvis looked great in most of his get-ups….and yes, we all get out of shape as he was at the end.
Also, as a Sinatra fan as well, he actually rarely did a bad album and sounded quite good with his cover of “You are the Sunshine of My Life,” as the song became a bit of a standard thanks to him and Tony Bennett covering it.
I don’t like snideness on a Catholic website.
I’m 41. I’m a computer programmer. The most complex math I’ve ever used in real life, beyond basic arithmetic, is True And False Xor True is False.
Why did I waste 4 years of my life learning Calculus again? Haven’t used it since college.
Good grief, that “Flashbeagle” clip was so bad, I couldn’t even finish watching it! Truly cringe-worthy, almost on par with the Star Wars prequels. *shudders*
Anyway, great article, very timely and so very true.
That flash mob was funny. Thanks for sharing! I think the best part is when the “everyday I’m shufflin’” bit comes on and they start jumping around. Hee hee hee.
Snoopy’s leggings cracked me up.
John Wayne died a Catholic.
Why on earth is the church flash mob dance not #1 on this list (with a bullet)?!
This is what a RELEVANT church flash mob looks like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5mnsjW8_rc
Great comment, Andy Odom. Not much I can add because you said it very well. Elvis was, as the New York Times called him in 1972, “a Prince from another planet.” Greatest entertainer of all time!
Wasn’t the stone the builders rejected the most important stone of all?
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