I was recently part of an email thread in which someone sent out a link to an article by Dave Ramsey called How Not to be a Financial Burden on Your Kids. Ramsey begins the article by saying:
If we’re honest, we all carry a deep fear that we won’t have enough money to sustain us through retirement—becoming a financial burden to our children. The 2010 Retirement Confidence Study shows that only 16% of workers are very confident that they will be able to live comfortably in retirement.
Then he goes on to cite the data that really had people panicked:
Only 46% of workers have tried to calculate how much they’ll need to save for retirement. As a result, 29% of workers think they can retire comfortably on less than $250,000! The fact is, a couple who retires at age 65 can expect to spend that much just in medical expenses by the time they are 85!
Ramsey then suggests that the financially prudent couple will have $750,000 saved for retirement. “How on earth can we ever save that?!” one friend on the email exchange asked. She and her husband are quickly approaching their forties. They’ve been contributing to their retirement accounts for years, but haven’t had enough of an income to sock away large amounts. Also, some unforeseen financial crises meant that they had to dip into their savings at one point, setting their financial goals back significantly. As a one-income, barely middle-class family, this couple faces a daunting task to get their savings where it supposedly needs to be—a situation that many of us on the email thread could relate to. Using Ramsey’s terms—which merely echo the worldview of the culture at large—my panicked friends wanted to know: How in the world can we ever save almost a million dollars so that we can avoid being burdens to our children?
As my peers and I approach the big 4-0, I hear discussions like this a lot. And I’m starting to think that we’re focusing on the wrong part of the equation.
Getting $750,000 in the bank is indeed an enormous task. Most people I know have situations in their lives that make this even more challenging: one spouse stays home, they have a larger-than-average family, they’ve faced unforeseen medical bills, or had long periods of unemployment. And when they think of trying to hit that number, they feel overwhelmed, weary, and defeated. They lie awake at night worrying that they’ll become the dreaded b-word: burdens.
But maybe the whole situation feels so bad because it’s completely unnatural.
Has there ever been another civilization where the elderly were expected to fend for themselves until their dying breath? If there has, this kind of setup certainly has not been the norm in human history. In most times and places it was simply assumed that younger generations would take care of their older relatives. Aging parents didn’t have to have frantic discussions about how amass tremendous wealth so that they could support themselves into their nineties; it was just assumed that they’d move in with one of their kids or other relatives. We’re not designed to live as autonomous robots, needing nothing from anyone from the day we turn 18 until the day we die. Yet that is what our society—where personal comfort and money are prized above all else—tells us to aim for. If trying to go that route feels wrong, it might be because there is something wrong with it.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that it’s possible for every couple to live with their children or family. I think putting away some kind of savings for retirement is a good thing, and I understand that some people simply will not have the option of extended care by family members. Even in the cases where the younger generations are willing to help, some people’s needs surpass what can be done at home. And in those societies where younger generations taking care of the elderly was the only option, people who did not have family who were able or willing to help usually ended up in tragic situations. So I’m grateful that there are options out there for people for whom the traditional family care-taking setup doesn’t work.
But what does trouble me is that independence until the grave is now the default assumption. (For example, in a recent Wall Street Journal Article targeted at adult children whose parents are beginning to need assistance, the option of parents moving in with children is not even discussed.) What troubles me is that it’s become an accepted part of our cultural lexicon to refer to people who need our assistance—our parents, no less—as “burdens.”
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Thank you for bringing this up. I am third generation large family (dad came from 13, mom from 8, I am one of 10 and have 11 myself). It has been a long-held tradition (and familiar joke) that we have such large families just so, when we are elderly, we will always have a place to stay. Both of my grandmothers - who lived long past the grandfathers - lived at home with a variety of children, grandchildren and in great-grandchildren assisting in their care until their deaths.
My sister lives w/ my parents now and is the primary caregiver but all of my siblings and I contribute a bit of money based on our own resources so she doesn’t have to work outside of her house. We are being creative in how Mom and Dad are being taken care of because they did not have the HUGE amount of $$ saved. Not even close. And they never even considered trying.
While I commend those for whom the amount suggested is achievable but as my Dad once remarked if he had that much money he would want to spend it on himself but spread it around and watch his family smile as a result.
Your are spot on, Jen.
I often think of things, like this, in our culture that are just backwards. For example, both parents working just to pay for their kids daycare, limiting the number of children b/c there’s not enough money to start a college fund from day 1, etc.
We are scared of sacrifice in the name of “being responsible.”
I’m one who worries that we will not have enough for retirement, but even if I had $750,000 I would worry. So I guess I have a bigger problem and that would be trust. Apparently I need to go back and reread Sunday’s gospel.
So much of our culture is driven by fear of other people - both fear of being dependent on them, and fear of having them want something from us. It’s a very isolating kind of fear.
St. Katharine Drexel’s family provided for themselves and a neighborhood of needy people. Their domestic church was a school of love. My parents have money, yet we will bring them into our home. My in-laws chose to move out of state to be near friends, away from grandchildren, much to our dismay. Being able to ‘give like no other’ of time and money is Dave Ramsey’s message. Children should care for their parents, but if there’s a way to ease the financial strain on our children and grandchildren, we can live together more peacefully.
Let’s not look to Dave Ramsey as a part of the problem, let’s examine our schools, parenting magazines and adult formation class attendance. We as a culture suffer from a genuine lack of holiness and all the virtues that go with it. Justice, Charity, Obedience to God’s law, Fortitude, and Wisdom. How we form ourselves and our children will dictate how we use our gifts.
We’re one of those large Catholic families where parents don’t have any money. And we tend to know a lot of them as well, most of us kids having married into another one ourselves. Philsophically, I agree an aging parent is not a burden, however, it’s been my observation and experience that far too many adult children are willing to sit back and let someone - and it does typically fall mostly on one person - do all the work. Oh, they’ll talk about how wonderful the person is for doing it all and what a saint she is, blah, blah, blah. But I think if they really meant any of it, they’d do a little more than maybe sticking their heads in a few times a month with some new socks or some prescription refills.
@Not Identifying Myself: I’m of two minds in this regard, too. I do not see my parents as a burden, and I do not see my mom-in-law as a burden. But I’m also aware that in big families sometimes, the lion’s share of the work often falls to one person. I’ve seen it happen to my mom and my aunt, certainly, with all the other siblings making excuses like “I have to work.” That said, I do think that the family saint, no matter how sacrificing, needs to speak up and say, “please help!” Not everyone can be expected to take notice that they’re doing the right thing, especially not in a culture that puts a premium on “independence.”
@Wsquared, I’m with you on the martyrdom thing. But how far do you take reminders and requests for assistance? As awful and discouraging as it sounds, many (most?) people will do as little as they can get away with.
My husband and I have discussed this very thing, particularly as it relates to other people’s paths to heaven. However, a line needs to be drawn between requests for assistance and hounding people. Afterall, if folks don’t want to do the right thing, no one can force them. Unfortunately, it’s been my observation that gentle reminders usually yield pitiful results.
@Not Identifying Myself: “My husband and I have discussed this very thing, particularly as it relates to other people’s paths to heaven. However, a line needs to be drawn between requests for assistance and hounding people. Afterall, if folks don’t want to do the right thing, no one can force them. Unfortunately, it’s been my observation that gentle reminders usually yield pitiful results.”
No, no-one can force them, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, and to ask politely. That’s different from hounding or being accusatory. Also, it depends on what we mean by “pitiful results.” Thanking whoever it is for whatever one gets might well lead the person to open up. You might even gently take the person aside for a heart-to-heart talk. And furthermore, there’s prayer. God knows that we can’t all do this alone.
@wsquared - Obviously, this very topic is a bit of a sore spot with me. One would think that being gracious and grateful would turn some hearts. Maybe it has - I’ve never seen it. I have seen very outwardly religious people turn away from their obligations to their parents when they know someone else is willing to do it. As a result, now when I hear the topic of caring for elderly parents come up, I make it a point to mention that it is not enough to offer platitudes and open ended (but ultimately empty) offers of assistance.
Sadly, I’ve seen the pitiful story repeated time and again with many friends and relatives. Caring for an aging parent is a difficult, emotionally draining task. And the sad fact is that the vast majority of adult Christians are very willing to palm it off onto someone else. Anyone else.
I would also say if you think it can’t hurt to ask for assistance, you couldn’t be more wrong. Being brushed aside with a weak excuse when you ask a sibling to help with your parent is one of the most painful feelings in the world.
How I wish my parents had lived long enough to be able to move in with us. My children would only have benefited from having them here. In addition to all of the issues brought up, I also see a connection to the push for assisted suicide, euthanasia and rationed health care. The government is not going to take care of anybody, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to take responsibility for our own families.
I absolutely agree. I have long joked with my parents that they, despite being divoriced, will be given a trailer in the back yard to share while splitting child care and gardening duties! In my mind, the more the merrier. I hope that I will be able to provide enough space to include all relatives who would like to or should need to share our space.
But this goes to another issue you see in today’s society: hunger. We see so many now in our country alone on food stamps or struggling to put food on the table and yet very rarely does this discussion include growing and producing ones own food. Even when there’s a stay at home mom! Really it goes to the whole toxic, throw away society that has formed in this country with relatives being just one aspect of it.
Thank you for the considerate piece you’ve written. I hope others see it and take a new perspective on the “burdens” in their lives who for sure were once the barriers of us as young “burdens” for at least 18 years.
I honestly think that you should listen to Dave Ramsey a lot more! His commonsense message of being prudent and responsible with your money is something desperately needed in today’s world. I honestly can’t see what’s so wrong with saving money for retirement, that has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to care for your elderly parents. Medical costs can leave any family completely bankrupt and it is not wrong to plan to do something to avoid it, even if you have lots of children willing to care for you (not everybody has that luxury!).
I for one, greatly admire Dave Ramsey and think he’s a blessing in today’s irresponsible, “live for the moment” world. I greatly encourage everybody to read “The Total Money Makeover”, it is a very useful and practical book for getting out of debt and save money in order to give more to others in need.
Thank you for writing this Jennifer, and well said. I heard a wonderful priest once in Dallas say, “The question is not whether or not we will be a burden some day. Because at one time or another in our life we will all be a burden to someone else. The question is, are we willing to help someone else carry their burden.” That message has really stayed with me.
@Veronica…I don’t think Jennifer is saying you shouldn’t save for retirement at all. However, we do have to trust God in all things and I think she does have a point about the word “burden,” which automatically implies something bad. I do think that Christians have to be careful w/ the whole Dave Ramsey philosophy,,,it skirts dangerously close to ‘prosperity gospel’ and again, if WE think WE can save enough to support OURselves,,,where does that leave trust in God for our daily bread? ( I think it’s kinda creepy when Christians start talking that way about money and making lots of it)
Many people retire far earlier than they need to or than is good for them. There is no reason that a person should have to be cared for by society or be on the public dole (AKA social security and pension) for 20-30 years. Our society has artificially lowered the age of retirement based on morbidity and mortality statistics from the 1920’s. People function better when they are working and contributing to society and to their families. A reversal in social trends would permit those in reasonable health to retain modified work positions while they are capable of doing so, and a good start would be raising the social security age to 70 for persons who are not incapacitated by serious illnesses. Provisions would have to be made for manual laborers, etc,and babysitting grandchildren would qualify as being employed if such involvement occurred at least 20 hours a week. Research has shown that such active involvement reduces mental deterioration, and would certainly cut shortthe amount of money needed for retirement.
What ever happened to “One Day at a Time”. Lets not rush into things, no one is certain of what the future will bring. Its good to prepare but not to the point of being control freaks! Our parents deserve our honor and respect, they have given us life and have taken care of us. It should be a privilege to return the favor. Do whatever you can with what you have. If you are Christian obey the commandment “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother” be willing to TRUST God’s plan for them and yourself.
My only worry is that I will die alone and forgotten because I have not married and had children. I did not choose this but it is the situation I am in. I took care of my parents when they needed me which was only right since they took care of me when I was younger. I never saw it as a burden but only as a blessing. I grew so much as a person during that time and discovered a strength within me that I never knew existsed. I have come to view a burden as excess belongings, making too much money, driving too expensive of cars, things that can be taken away and yet have no real meaning or value. People are valuable things are a burden. People enrich your life while things steal precious time and create useless worry.
I wonder what Phil Lenahan, of Veritas Financial Ministries (Catholic) would say?
To be perfectly honest, when I’m old, I think I would strongly prefer to live in a retirement home than to live with one of my kids. In a retirement home, there are other people around, plus lots of activities and things to do. Living with one of my kids, with no other people around and nothing to do but watch TV, would be very isolating, especially if my child worked during the day.
My husband’s grandmother lived with his aunt for many years until she died. The aunt worked so they had nurses who helped take care of her during the day. Personally, I’d rather be in a home with other old people and more stimulating activities. My grandmother is 87 and lives in a retirement home. There’s a lot for her to do and she’s made friends with the other residents there. One of my aunts lives nearby and sees her almost every day. The other four daughters live in various states, but they all call her often. My mom talks to her a couple times a week. Being in a home doesn’t mean you’ve been abandoned.
And then there’s the fact that if you get really old in infirm, sometimes you need more care than you can reasonably expect from one of your children.
I agree with Nora that we need to consider the parent’s wishes also. I wouldn’t want to live with my kids when I get to be that age.
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