I can attest that those facing infertility often suffer a silent pain/cross that lingers and rears its head every time a family member or friend announces they’re expecting. On on the one hand, you’re joyful for the creation of new life, on the other hand, you again find yourself asking, “Why not us?”

Like any cross, it’s a difficult one to bear. One should never judge a couple for the number of children they have. One simply cannot know the private trials and struggles that a husband and wife may be facing, and often face alone.

I agree that there is far more that the Church can and should do to offer support to those facing this trial, including making available information and access to the medical knowledge (such as NaPro) that can often identify the causes of infertility.

I must admit, I was quick to judge when I met a Catholic couple who have been married for six years and still don’t have any children. I naturally assumed that they were contracepting. Only later did the husband confide in me that they were struggling with infertility. I felt so ashamed for being so quick to judge. We really need to balance education on the immorality of contraception with education on infertility among Catholics.

Thank you for this beautiful piece on Catholic infertility. These couples will be in my prayers all week.

There are options out there that you should look into.  This company was on EWTN a while ago when they were doing a show about infertility.

http://naprotechnology.com/

Thanks for this post.  We have struggled with some of this in the past.  It is particularly heart-wrenching when it seems like all your friends can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, then those same friends openly question why you’re not pregnant.  So many people assume so many things… infertility is a very difficult road to travel, especially if you’ve been blessed with children before (then the assumptions REALLY kick in).  And it is also usually very private, with the spouses having their own internal struggles and not necessarily wanting to share that publicly.
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Another point I would add: it is particularly difficult to stay faithful during these struggles when 99% of the medical community actively tries to convince you to engage in treatment options that aren’t licit—particularly a trial of birth control.  Additionally, there are a number of priests who aren’t well-versed in these matters, and who will tell a couple that if it’s a medical treatment recommended by their doctor, it’s okay.  This can be a very lonely road indeed.

Moving post-thanks for sharing this wholesome food for thought!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this!  I’m infertile, and it’s a heavy cross for my husband and I to bear.  We are using NaPro technology, but it’s likely I’ll never conceive because I’m in menopause in my 20’s.  Please pray for us.

Thank you for writing this! We’ve also been struggling with infertility for 4 years. It was relieving to read that others’ thoughts so matched my own. I don’t really know anyone going through this or having been through it, and since it’s not a widely discussed topic - that compounds the loneliness sometimes. J.L. I will pray for you! If anything just so you and I both achieve the peace we so desperately seek. Thank you Jennifer for posing a link to that blog as well. It’s nice to have resources to connect to when the going gets tough. Thank you!

Thanks for this post, Jennifer! My husband and I are privileged to know some folks deeply immersed in NaPro at the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha. Having fertility issues ourselves, NaPro has been a blessing in our lives - it’s criminal that so many medical professionals reject the science behind it.

May I direct all readers to an excellent piece written by Chuck Weber for The Catholic World Report back in Febraury? It highlights Dr, Hilgers’ work, the Pope Paul VI Institute and the divine beauty behind NaPro Technology. Great read; pass it on!
http://cwrlamp.ridgefieldgroup.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=239:the-state-of-naprotechnology&catid=54:catholic-world-report-2011&Itemid=72

Thank you for printing this - I’m going to print this out and save it for those couples we encounter w/ our work with NFP.  As parents w/ a large family, I am often hard-pressed to know what to say beyond I am praying for you - which I do and am. 

When people find out how many children I have they will often make the quip, “You must be a saint” which they rarely mean to be a compliment.  I always disagree and think of couples such as J.L., here, or my dear friend, Joan, who have born the cross of infertility with greater grace than I ever would.

Thanks Jen.  Infertility sucks and the pressure and assumptions that are dished out by medical people and others just adds to the hurt.  Even within the Catholic IF world there can be judgements - have you tried this doctor?, this supplement/med/test/etc?, how many cycles did you try that?????  Sometimes it just gets to be too much to be a pincushion or lab specimen with all of the testing and work-ups, not to mention the invasion of specific timing/technique into the bedroom.  Saying enough is enough isn’t necessarily giving up, it could be preserving your marriage.  And adoption is wonderful, for those called to it (we’ve been blessed with 2 adopted and 1 bio child and would so love more) but it surely isn’t for the faint of heart.

Great subject to write on. Yes, yes, the assumptions! I found orthodox or faithful Catholics very painful to be with because of their assumptions of contraception,or a promiscuous pre-marital life which results in infertility as well. Also,even after we adopted two kids, the assumptions were that we should adopt more (sometimes circumstances prevent this), or that our kids were not not as close to us as their kids because we did not breast feed or silly ideas like this. More than support, as a faithful Catholic, it would just been wonderful to hear Catholics/priests at the pulpit talk about the wonders and goodness of adopting and adoptive children. Parents are parents.

Susan Vigilante has written a wonderful journal/memoir/tale of her adult life, friendships and her infertility, “Breakfast with the Pope.”  And it does entail having an intimate breakfast with Pope John Paul II in his apartment in the Vatican, twice.

Susan has a wonderful sense of humor and was selected to be one of the 150 bloggers invited to the blogger confab this weekend in Rome. [ http://www.desperateirishhousewife.blogspot.com/ ] She is an excellent writer, some of her works having been published in the past in the National Review Online and other places.  She is a friend through blogging in the Twin Cities.

It didn’t seem like a “guy’s” book, but once I got started, I couldn’t put it down.

http://www.breakfastwiththepope.com/

Michele, I really sympathize.  I know I’ve certainly heard those lines about adoption before—especially the ones about adopted kids not being your own, that they will turn on you, that you didn’t breastfeed them, and that they will never be your own children.

And I agree that those are horrid, horrid things to say or even assume about people who have smaller families:  if you can have a larger family, great.  God bless you.  But every family is different, and their circumstances are different, hence the need for discernment and open dialogue regarding sex and children.  And anyway, look at the Holy Father’s own family.  He came from a small-ish family that wasn’t nearly as well off as many of us today:  he only has one brother and one sister. ...anybody care to tell him that they think that his mom and dad were contracepting? ;)

CES:

Please understand that many infertile Catholic couples (including This Cross I Embrace who is featured in this article) have already sought treatment through NaPro.  It’s an amazing resource and treatment option and while it is very effective, does not guarantee a reverse of infertility.  Many still suffer without a cure and suffer greatly each month, spiritually, emotionally, and financially.

My wife and I married about ten years ago and infertility was realized. We shamefully used IVF for two ‘rounds’ to no avail. We had begun adoption paperwork at the same time we started the medical therapy, luckily. So we have two central american children. The pain has faded but will never be totally forgotten. Is there a patron Saint for infertility? I often times will remember those who struggle with adoption and the great burden to finance it. I keep them in my prayers.

Jennifer, thank you so much for this article, which will hopefully bring this subject to light for many that don’t fully understand it.  A painful cross indeed, but if we let it, it can also be a quite beautiful and glorious cross.

teomatteo, there are several patron Saints for infertility, namely Our Lady’s own mother (and father), Anne and Joachim, who suffered for years and years before being given the Immaculate Conception as their child :)  Elizabeth was also infertile before John the Baptist.  Hannah, Rachel, and Sarah are some Old Testament infertiles. 
And a modern day St for infertility has a Feast Day tomorrow!  Saint Gianna Beretta Molla.  St Gerard is another one.

The problem with Patron Saints is that there is no one who remained infertile. This is doubly true for all of the infertile women in the bible. This makes it even harder—scripture tells us children are a blessing—so are infertiles cursed?

The biggest cause of infertility is age… and it impacts everyone.  Women may suffer from it sooner, but men’s fertility declines as well.  Plus men who want to marry women close to their own age will discover that the women’s clock is their clock too.  There may be medical, non-age related infertility that affects both men and women, which can mean terrible suffering in a marriage. 

But meanwhile, the Church pays very little attention to long-term singles who are called to married life but can’t get married no matter what they do.  Being faithful to the Church’s teachings on marriage, contraception, and premarital sex may be something we do out of love for the Lord, but it also means waiting for years on end.  By the time many of us do get married, we are long past the prospect of children of our own.  We may even be too old to adopt in many jurisdictions. 

Long-term singles face at least as much social isolation in Catholic parishes as infertile couples do.  In fact, probably much more so. It’s no secret that most of the married couples in Catholic parishes did not get there by following the moral precepts we attempt to live by.  In my experience, parish communities are pretty oblivious to the needs of single people over 25.  Those who do recognize a problem for Catholic singles think that online dating solves everything, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth.  The existence of some limited options in online dating just gives the institutional church an excuse to do nothing.  When was the last time you heard prayers for single people at mass?  Probably never.  But it is those singles over 30 who are quickly on their way to becoming infertile couples if they marry at all. Those who don’t marry will be infertile, childless, and .... lonely.

Maria, I just want to reassure you that infertile women are NOT cursed, in the sense that God has not afflicted them with infertility because He hates them, or is somehow angry at them, or because they aren’t doing something right.  Nor does He refuse to lift this cross from such couples for the above reasons.  Everyone has a cross to bear - sometimes that cross is lifted and sometimes it’s not, but it’s not for lack of wanting, or trying, or praying, or loving.  We can’t always understand the reasons, but we can trust that God has them, that God loves both fertile and infertile couples, and that He works His will in both their lives.  Sometimes the cross, whatever it might be - infertility, cancer, a lifelong illness, a personality trait, a constant temptation - is not removed from our lives, no matter how we pray.  Even St. Paul talked about the constant thorn in his side in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9, that God would not remove from him, preferring instead that Paul be made strong in weakness.  So we must trust in God that His will has purpose, even when that will manifests itself in painful ways in our lives.

I agree with you, Maria.  I wish there were a Saint who remained childless and lived their lives childless, to serve as a role model for those who either may never conceive or adopt, OR those who in this moment fear that’s how their lives will turn out.  Because it is a real fear.
This is a huge reason I started my blog.  I’m hoping to help others see that joy and peace can indeed be found through the suffering of infertility.  It’s just a long and arduous journey to get to that peaceful place :)

We’ve been dealing with infertility for awhile.  I can’t express how difficult it has been to be around members of our families and church because of it.  Random comments that might seem like casual conversation to people with children become nails in our hearts.  It’s to the point that we go out of our way to avoid church and our families in order to avoid the constant reminder of our failure to conceive.  It really does feel like God has abandoned us (and, yes, it certainly feels like a curse). 

I know infertility isn’t caused by God abandoning us.  The logical side of my brain says that.  But everyday conversations about “oops! babies” and the ease with which other couples can conceive hit that very needy part of our brains.  We both know that even if we’re unsuccessful we’ll try to adopt at a later time.  We also know that, in time, this won’t sting nearly as much.  Unfortunately the church/membership is ill-equipped to help us deal with it because most members have no concept of this kind of loss.  It truly feels as though a part of us has died and we need to mourn.  It would be nice to not be lectured on having “a contraceptive mentality” through the mourning process.  Unfortunately that has been the most common response we have received from family and other members of our church.

Maria & This Cross I Embrace, there is a saint that remained infertile her name is Venerable Elisabeth Leseur.  Read more of the story here:http://theapostolateofhannahstears.blogspot.com/2008/08/our-journey-through-life-may-not-be-all.html

Beautiful article by the way!  Maybe you could write a follow up article on all the holy souls that we do have in the Church that struggled with infertility within the 19th/20th century.

This may also be helpful in learning more about Ven. Elisabeth Leseur
http://www.sophiainstitute.com/productdetails.cfm?sku=482  
“The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur” 

another infertile saint to be is:

Mother Maria Luisa Josefa of the Most Blessed Sacrament

http://www.carmelitesistersocd.com/foundress/

http://theapostolateofhannahstears.blogspot.com/2008/06/mother-maria-luisa-josefa-of-most.html

This is the one reason we were called to start the Hannah’s Tears Ministry, to let you know that you are not alone in your sufferings.  God Our Father has others who have also suffered.  We may not be aware of them because no one has asked, but we do have very holy souls that did survive the struggle of infertility to find a call only God could give them.

You are not alone!

Let us know your needs for prayer and we’ll be there:  prayer@hannahstears.org

In Christ,
Therese Garcia, OCDS
Intercessor/founder
Hannah’s Tears Ministry
www.hannahstears.org

Kay, I’m so sorry that you are being judged within your family and church family.  That must be extremely painful.  Please know that our blogging community is full of support if you need it!  This Cross I Embrace has a blog with links to many other women suffering with infertility.  You are not alone in your cross nor in being judged.  It’s much more common than many realize, sadly.  I hope you can minister through your pain to those who are ignorant so that we can raise awareness of this cross, especially within the church.  God bless!
http://secondchancesblog.blogspot.com

“Catholics who face infertility often find themselves in a social no-man’s land.”

I’ve really found this to be true, we’ve been trying for over 5 years now and I think we’ve really been blessed with a number of good Catholic friends at our parish, but most of them are single or newly married, and as soon as they have kids it’s tough to keep in touch. But, we do spend a lot of time with the Young Adult group, we’re just a rare childless married couple among all the singles. We have several older single divorcees in our circle as well.

Another thing that’s really difficult for a lot of couples struggling with IF is Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. You go to mass and some parishes make a big deal of honoring all the moms, having them stand up, thanking them, etc…sometimes it makes you want to crawl in a hole.

Thanks for the article, Jen, it’s easy to feel like this cross is invisible and that no one thinks about it.

If you are infertile never give up.  I was 37 and my husband was 38 when we got married.  As soon as we became engaged (because of a medical problem) I called Catholic Charities and the adoption case worker informed me that I was too old—cut off date was 35 for women.  When I asked about foster care she cynically remarked that that would be impossible since I would be reluctant to let the foster child “go.”  I was devestated. I even wrote to the Pope but did not get an answer.  I would not give up.  Tell every one you know that you want to adopt from friends to strangers.  Our first promising adoption fell through.  Still I did not falter after grieving the loss. It is through continuing   this means of “getting the word out”  that we received our son nine months to the most exact date after our wedding date.  We adopted our second son two years later by again informing everyone we knew or met that we wanted to adopt another child.  However after these two successful adoptions there were six losses of other adoption possibilities due to abortions and mothers changing their minds and fraud.  God will give you the strenth to overcome losses just as other mothers and fathers overcome miscarriages.  I often pray for those babies we lost.   

Adoption is always a possibility if you are open to thinking of the adoption journey as a full time job.  Although adoptions can be expensive, there are many excellent book and seminars on the “how to” of private adoptions which can be the least expensive.

Here are some suggestions:
Contact a reputable private adoption attorney
Put ads in local papers and use a private baby phone/internet
Let you oby/gn doctor know your desire
Tell pregnancy care centers
Let your pastor know (sometimes funds are available)
join an adoption support group (OURS)

 
Don’t listen to negative comments; focus on your potential motherhood and fatherhood.  No one completely understands exept Jesus no matter how they might try.  You cannot waste emotional energy on those who don’t understand.  Turn your pain into prayer, petition, and perseverence. 

Thank you for this artice and the comments.  It has inspired me to say the Memorare for each one of you every day.

My sons are my sons; although we received them through the adoption process they are my own as the saying goes born not from my womb but from under my heart.  My second son is now a Franciscan friar missionary residing in London serving the homeless.

I wanted to add, I have learned one extremely valuable lesson in having this cross…the control we think we have over our lives is illusory. I see not-yet married friends, even, planning their 2.5 kids and professional plans down to the year, and I think, while there’s nothing wrong with having some goals, it seems rather a waste of time and energy to me! We really think we have so much control over our lives when we just don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow which could completely unravel all our plans. After all, I wanted lots of kids, and here I am approaching my 8th anniversary with none. So, personally, I tend not to worry about tomorrow and I try to just focus on what I can do today, and thank God for the blessings of today, and entrust myself to His Grace and mercy. In a way, it’s very freeing knowing God is in control and I am not.

My wife and I are one of those infertile Catholic couples (I’m the infertile one) and although it certainly was painful, it also did bring home the fact that children are in fact a blessing/gift and not a right. After discovering the infertility I also realized just how many people I knew socially or through work were infertile, which did help us accept it more easily. I also realized how few (more like zero) official resources the Archdiocese of Vancouver had for infertile couples, but fortunately there were some excellent pastors and Catholic counselors who helped us realize that a) infertility is a fact of life for some and b) that there is absolutely no obligation to adopt a child if you don’t feel called to do so (you should not feel guilt about it) and c) you are never alone, as God is always with you.
It still hurts inside a bit to see relatives or friends having children, but it has become much easier to accept. And thanks for the information about Ven. Elisabeth Leseur!

Thank you so much for this wonderful article.  In my personal opinion, the number one most painful part of infertility is the feeling (hard to shake, whatever I may understand theologically) that my vocation has been taken away and there will never be anything there to replace it - that my life is not worthless.  (“Why don’t you just adopt?” is a 100% unhelpful response to this or, really, any other issue.) 

While I agree that many things about the cross of infertility are private and couples do not want to discuss them (as with any medical condition), I think that another difficult thing about infertility is that infertiles are socially required either to conceal it or to make it seem like not a big deal so that other people do not become uncomfortable (whereas with another serious illness, the surrounding community is expected to comfort the sufferer!). 

I also think we’re seeing a pastoral failure when the only statements parishes ever utter on infertility are that people should not use IVF or IUI.  Of course Catholics should have this information, but I think it’s already very widely known.  And it’s problematic for two reasons: first of all, making that the first and only comment about infertility implies that the Church sees infertiles ONLY as sinners in potentia - dangerous elements whose bad inclinations need to be squashed.  What they are is suffering people.  Reason number two: after the IVF comment, most pastors appear to have exhausted their information on or interest in infertility.  I like to think the Church wouldn’t tolerate a pastor who couldn’t and wouldn’t comfort the bereaved, and given the number of those who suffer from infertility, it should be no less tolerable for pastors to have nothing to offer childless couples. 

I also want to comment on the older-singles comment above.  While obviously age makes everyone infertile eventually, most Catholic infertility sufferers have non-age-related medical problems (which only rarely have anything to do with premarital sex, by the way.  The most common causes are polycystic ovarian syndrome and endometriosis; those are genetic conditions).  Obviously, however, marrying very late in life will at least reduce a person’s opportunities to have children, which is an additional cross in the single life.  I heartily agree that older singles-not-by-choice are another underserved group of Catholics, though I think this support tends to be better in urban areas.  While I think infertiles and older singles are probably somewhat different in the support they need from the Church, I think it’s pastorally lazy to offer support only for those parishioners whose lives happen to follow a “normal” path.  (They need the LEAST support!)  I also have to say from my experience that most of my close friends are either infertile Catholics (a few) or older single Catholics.  These groups form a natural lifestyle alliance, as far as I’ve seen.

“not worthless” should mean “now worthless”

Misfit - thank you for putting that out there. I too feel like my vocation has been ripped away. It’s hard to shake the feelings of failure and worthlessness somedays. Like your rational side knows better, but this emotional bit is always ready to pounce at the most ridiculous times. Thank you also for your blog. I checked it out today. It’s really reassuring and inspiring :) even if that wasn’t the intention. Ha.

I’ve never struggled with infertility, but as someone who assumed I’d have a big family and have had to accept that God has given us our three daughters—period, end of sentence—I find the heroic courage of infertile couples inspiring.  Whenever I’m tempted to be sad at having a “small” family, I think of those things I’ve read from women who would be overjoyed to be given even one child, and am humbled to think of how great a blessing it is to be a mother at all.

A nurse I had during my first pregnancy confided that she and her husband had been trying for 14 years to have a baby.  Her earnest desire to be a mother and her cheerful service to pregnant women as her chosen career made me feel as though the discomforts and illnesses of pregnancy were really nothing.

I think that God does bless infertile couples—sure, some with a child, either biologically or via adoption, but even if that is not His blessing, He blesses your witness to the value of life and the tremendous gift (not right!) that children are.  You probably have more “children of the heart” than you will ever know, from the actual children in your extended families or community you are able to help in some way, to stressed, harassed parents who step back and see their growing families through your eyes instead of their own for a moment, to people struggling with the temptation to be “pro-choice” or otherwise ungenerous to God’s call to welcome new life, and so on.

And to the extent that in my younger days I would judge small families or those with no children, I am truly sorry.  I’m sure that many times I simply had no idea of the reality of their lives.

This is a very good piece, but I’d add a few points.  The Catholic parish culture wishes every female in church Happy Mother’s Day.  Those who are not mothers are implicitly reproached.  WHY aren’t you a mother??  WHAT sin or evil action prevents you from having 5 children?  Ditto for Father’s Day.  This is bitterly unkind; one non-Catholic friend went through 5 years, $ 35,000, and 11 IVF treatments in 2 countries—and remains childless. 

Sarah, Elizabeth, and Anne all suffered.  Why not remember this in church?  Why aren’t priests reminded to be aware of the grief of sterility?

Additionally, there are those women who NEVER have the opportunity to marry.  Female live births always outnumber male live births; war and the glamorization of homosexuals further decrease marriage opportunities.  Pastors frankly ignore unmarried parishioners as potentially hysterical oddities, nasty old maids.  Unless they’re in one of the few remaining religious orders, women OUGHT to be married.  How?

Dr Hilgers and Pope Paul VI Institute have been a central part of our struggle as well.  We’re very happy to have found him as we had to reject the other fertility specialists who only wanted to point to IVF right away.  We’ve struggled through 3 miscarriages over 5 years and my wife has been doing NaPro technology charting (Creighton method) for some time now.  Even while struggling, we kept in mind that God was with us, loves us, and is our Father.  My wife also had a laparoscopy at Creighton by Dr Hilgers two years ago, having found mild endometriosis which he removed what was found.  Also discovered some kind of inflammation in the uterus, unexplained.  In Jan, Dr Hilgers recommended the endometriosis diet for my wife (gluten free, soy free, dairy free, milk free, refined sugar free), and one month after starting this diet, we conceived and are now 13 months.  We believe the endometriosis diet may have been a missing piece to all the other things like HCG, progesterone, etc.

This is a wonderful article, and very timely! A couple weeks ago, after Palm Sunday mass, I was approached by an agnostic gentleman who attends mass with his Catholic wife. He’s a little bit rude, generally, and I was steering the conversation away from his chosen topic by mentioning a book project a friend and I are working on. When I told him the topic was a sort of spirituality/guidebook for Catholic infertility, he looked shocked. He pointed to my three year old daughter and said “Well, she’s yours, right? So, you’re not infertile. You’ve got one. I suppose in the Catholic world you are, because you don’t have ten.”

Oh, I was mad! There is very little understanding for the cross of infertility whether it’s primary, secondary, or subfertility. While big families are seen as freaks by the world, small families in the orthodox Catholic world are looked down on. It’s assumed that if your family is small you’re in a state of mortal sin.  There seems to be a tendency, even among Catholics who are faithful to the Church’s teaching, to treat kids as acquisitions. Once you’ve got them, your vocation is fulfilled-you have proof of how Catholic you are. Instead of seeing each child as an undeserved gift, we modern Westerners see them as a reward for good behavior, or, even worse, as a right. As a result, the infertile Catholic is caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one side you’re being judged for not being fruitful, and on the other you’re judged for not making yourself fruitful via IVF or IUI.

Thanks, Jen, for a sensitive take on a very tough issue.

Hello. My husband and I have been married over 5 years. We have been trying to conceive, unsuccessfully, for a majority of those years. We both desperately want to be parents. We are getting older, 31 and 32. All of our friends, and siblings, have children. Doctors have been unsuccessful in giving us any answers as to what the problems could be. We want to try NFP, as we are pretty much out of other options at this point. Please pray for us that we will be blessed with a child someday. Thank you for listening!

I am an infertile Catholic who has also been blessed with no burning desire to have children. Should the Almighty see fit to bless me with a child, I would welcome him or her, of course. My requiremet was only that I be open to children in my marriage, and I am. But I do not feel burdened by this at all. And that, I feel, is a gift from God. Had I a desire for children but no means to produce, that would be painful indeed and I pray for those with that struggle.

I have, however, encountered very rude comments from Catholic friends who have asked me rather abruptly, “How long have you been married? Isn’t it about time you start having kids of your own?” or “When are you finally going to decide to have kids?” These are intrusive and presumptuous questions. My reply is simple; “When God decides that my ovaries work!” I say it with a twinkle in my eye and a smile, so they understand I am not grievously offended, but it tends to make them realize what they’ve just done. Not every woman’s womb is a conucopia. Thank you for raising the issue of infertility and the struggle some have of accepting it as a cross. I lift all infertile women up in prayer.

I can appreciate the pain of infertility—my sister and her husband chose artificial means to conceive my niece, and thankfully, it worked and my sister had another daughter without artificial intervention a couple of years later. If, as Catholics, it is against your faith to use artificial means to have children, kudos to you for keeping true to the faith you have chosen. Also, kudos for using science and promotion of women’s and men’s health to find and hopefully cure the cause of infertility in your situation.
I’m just curious, after a long dialogue with other readers of this blog on Planned Parenthood, why is adoption not part of this discussion?

Adrienne,
Adoption has been mentioned.  It is an option for those called to do so but it isn’t a “cure-all” for the pain of infertility.  It’s also an option for many who are not dealing with infertility.  One reason those of us who have suffered with infertility don’t like to automatically link adoption with infertility is that it can lead to judgement of those who choose not to adopt and remain childless, or who for some reason are unable to adopt.  Some will act as if they don’t really want children.  We never know another’s interior life, heck we have a hard enough truly knowing our own.  Another reason is that some liken adoption to being second best or a back-up plan if one’s unable to conceive.  That’s insulting to the children and the families formed thru adoption.  Our children came to us thru adoption, then birth, then adoption again.  All are equally our children and we believe intended by God to be in our family.
Thank you for respecting the Catholic viewpoint on this.

I am so sick and tired of the NFP/Contraception debate. Both sides have gone waaaaaaaaaaay too extreme that not only to they alienate the other side, they also show a contempt for the people in the middle trying to understand the issue. Let’s get some things straight first: I am a practicing, faithful Catholic, I am unmarried and have been saving myself for marriage since I was 15 (I’m now 22.) I believe fiercely in all the moral teachings of the Church and will defend them to my last breath. All that being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that NFP really, in essense, is no better than contraception. With Contraception, a couple says, “I don’t want my sexual act with my husband to be open to the possibility of Life, to allow my creator to create life within me.” But what are you saying with Natural Family Planning? “I am open to life, but only when I want it, how many times I want it and on my terms.” So youre telling God what to do. And some say, “Well, it’s a natural method, no artificial means are used. True, but does that mean then that an ingested poision is a lesser means of murder than a gun or knife? Youre still killing someone by misusing creation and ending the life of a person!!! Who cares about it being natural, masturbation is natural but it’s also sinful, why does NFP get a free pass? My estimation is, in the Church’s attempt to set a teaching on sexuality forth and to “give a break” to Catholic married couples, it endorsed NFP as sort of a comprimise to all the other banned actions. Well, when the chruch comprimises, it usually never ends well for the Church. My plan is to not use ANY method, shocking huh? NFP, contraception and the like have only been around for what, 100 years, maybe more. Well Catholics have been here a lot longer, you dont hear about St. Gianna Molla or The parents of St. Therese Lieaiux using NFP do ya? Seriously, this whole topic doesn’t have to be rocket science!!!! just do whatever comes natural, but be loving, respectful and selfless during all intimate times. And God will always, ALWAYS bless that union, whether it bears fruit or not…

@Genpluggedincatholic I think you may have posted on the wrong topic as your comment has little to do with this post, but regarding what you did post, go read what the CHURCH teaches. It is not for you to say that family planning is or isn’t ok, to think otherwise lacks humility.

Thank you for this topic. Its good to be aware of and so important as such a large number of couples struggle with infertility. It’s hard to know how to be supportive and I have found that simply *asking* how best to be supportive and sensitive goes a long way.

Genpluggedincatholic: You are practicing the church’s favorite method of contraception—abstinence. Good for you. I hope you can keep up and get a husband who will love you and help you raise as many children as God wants you to have.  I also hope you leave the rest of us who live in the real world alone. I won’t get into another argument about the ethics of contraception or abortion, but I don’t understand why you are against a married couple getting medical assistance to find out why they are infertile and fix the problem if they can. Having children is very important in your faith—otherwise why would Catholic friends pry into the personal life of couples who don’t have children? I looked up the NFP website and found it to be a Catholic organization that helps infertile, married couples by diagnosing what is preventing conception of a child, or causing repeated miscarriages, and offering effective treatment within Catholic regulations, and help a woman to have a healthy and wanted child. This may shock you: I don’t believe in God and do not accept that I have to let things happen to me because some hypothetical being has plans for me. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, except for what we make of this short time we exist on earth. I masturbate when I damn well feel like it and I take contraceptives and insist my partner use a condom. If and when I have a child, it will be on my own terms. I’ve successfully avoided pregnancy, but should it happen, I will consider all my options and do what I decide is the best for all concerned. And I will live with my decision and be responsible for it. I don’t follow the dictates of a doctrine that insists I believe in virgin births, participate in a pseudo-cannibal ritual, and restricts my sexuality to having babies.  You probably would not like me because I may tell you ideas that might make you think about how you want to live your life. You seem certain that God will take care of you and that’s enough for you. Stay in your world and be a sheep.
PS. If it’s not to much effort, you might be interested in the site: http://www.catholicsforchoice.org/topics/contraception/keypubs.asp

@Genpluggedincatholic : I think you’re missing one essential factor of NFP, which is this: NFP is to be used to avoid pregnancy ONLY in grave and serious circumstances.  This might include serious financial hardship, or mental distress of one spouse.  It is also to be used to avoid in an attempt to space births, which is practical and healthy for the family.  Otherwise it is to be used to achieve pregnancy. 

See here for more on this:http://www.usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/seriousq.shtml

It is NOT the same as oral contraception at all.  When an oral contraceptive “fails”, a baby has been conceived but has no uterine wall to attach to.  Thus the baby is aborted and dies.  Very sad.

See here for more on this: http://www.prolife.com/BIRTHCNT.html
And feel free to email me if you’re interested.  My email is under my profile on my website: http://secondchancesblog.blogspot.com

@Adrienne: I’m sorry to hear that you do not believe in God or Heaven or Hell.  I would love to discuss this further with you if you’d like.  Please feel free to email me if you’re interested.  My email is under my profile on my website: http://secondchancesblog.blogspot.com

No problems with conception, but batting zero on deliveries.  I’m a walking, talking, breathing human sarcophagus.  Our parochial vicar tells me the church cannot offer mass for my children - “It is against strict church jurisprudence.”  I really need to know how someone who cannot be memorialzed in the church’s prayer can possibly be “murdered.”

Thank you for the article on infertility as a Catholic.

@Genpluggedincatholic and @Adrienne - this is NOT the right place for you to get up on your soap boxes.  You think this banter is generous and loving to couples who are infertile?!  Your posts just make me sad for both of you.

@Sarah: It’s a fair cop, this is not the site to debate the secular vs.religious pov. I was just objecting to Genpluggedincatholic’s criticism of one of the few Catholic consessions to assistance by science in matters of reproductive rights and her apparently smug attitude that complying with God’s plan regardless of personal suffering—an argument that many Right-wing conservatives are useing as an excuse to deny affordable health care to people who would otherwise not have access. Given that my sister and her husband took 10 years to have their first child and if they did not seek help from a fertility clinic I would not have had to pleasure of seeing two beautiful and intelligent nieces growing up in a loving family, the God will provide” argument seems very shallow to me. I was to hot in trying to convince her that other people live different lives, and I apologize. Clarie rebuked her with much for grace and gentleness and I will try to live up to her example.

I just want to write in again to thank misfit and Maureen for their comments.  We’re open to adoption but aren’t yet ready to begin the process until we exhaust all other options. 

I think a large part of the problem is that so very few people are educated on exactly what infertility is.  For example, it’s not a woman’s problem.  It’s a couple’s problem regardless of which partner (or both) has the medical issue(s) preventing conception. And, for me, one of the great failures of the church has been no acknowledgment of the intense strain that infertility places on a marriage.  It’s horribly difficult to not blame yourself or your partner for your failure to conceive.  All Catholic teaching focuses on is what NOT to do (ie, IVF, IUI, semen analysis with masturbation).  But it never says what TO DO or how to cope.  We both entered into marriage with the expectation of starting a family.  Family was heavily discussed during the pre-Cana.  As was housekeeping, jobs, finances and other aspects of typical married life. We never once discussed the WHAT IF of infertility.  You make yourself emotionally and spiritually ready for kids, but not for the possibility of not.  Who enters into a major life change with the expectation of failure? No one!

@Kay Who enters into a major life change with the expectation of failure? No one!

Who expects to be single until they’re 50?

@Second Chances: Thanks for the offer to discuss beliefs, but I think I will pass. I went to the Pro-Life blog and found the usual biased psycho-babble about life beginning at fertilization and if a birth control pill fails to prevent fertilization by suppressing ovulation or inhibiting the sperm from reaching the egg, it murders the child by preventing implantation. As expected, it exaggerates the small percentage of times this happens, and the series of conditions that have to take place before it even becomes possible. Further, there are agencies and pharmacies whose Christian “values” make it acceptable to deny emergency contraception, thus increasing the odds that the egg will be fertilized and when they finally get the medicine,it will more likely work by preventing implantation. Also, the birth control pill has other medical applications, like treating endometriosis and dysmenorrhea, which otherwise may require a hysterectomy. The rest of the site is the usual horror pictures of aborted babies. I believe, along with other professionals that pregnancy begins at the point of implantation. I don’t think either of us will change our minds. Congratulations on your happy and fruitful Catholic life.

@Adrienne,
What you call psychobabble is God’s truth.  Life does start at conception.  Importantly, God started one and only one Church, and is Head of ONLY His One Catholic Church.  If you’re not in it and following these teachings, you’re following man’s (your own) preferences (which sadly you have demonstrated you do).  All Protestantism (the idea that we decide for ourselves what God said) is simply man fulfilling his need for religion expressed as they see fit (not as God sees fit), in the process doing great violence to God’s word by twisting it into different meanings and doing further violence to the unity He expressly asked for.  Contrarily, Catholicism brings God’s teachings and His Sacraments to us to make us His Body.  You either listen to God or you don’t.  I hope you take this to heart and listen to Him instead of yourself.

Michael K: Like I said, I don’t think either of us will change our minds. I am not going to try to change yours.

Adrienne,
I’m very familiar with the pride and arrogance of Protestants and Protestantic Catholics.  Right now, you’re too enamored with your own word to accept God’s.  So, I didn’t have the illusion of your mind changing at this time, because I didn’t think your mindset is able to heed God’s word at this time.  I have hope you may open up in the future… but, that will require you becoming humble toward God.  Also, the wise person would realize my post was not really for your consumption alone.  You won’t change my mind to your falsehood because we’d both be wrong then… and I’m not going to betray my trust in God for some appearance of “freedom” which is in the end false and actually slavery to sin.

I don’t have time for this—I have to get to my local meeting of Evil Atheists—http://www.google.com/ig#max1

Adrienne,
The wise insightful person knows time is not the issue with you.  It’s a matter of seeking the truth which you do not, no matter how much time you have.

Thank you so much for this article, Jennifer. It is so true. Infertility is very difficult and lonely. It was especially difficult for me, still childless, who watched my sister go through two pregnancies and then get upset and her husband for not wanting a third child. When I would find out that a friend or a cousin was having a baby, it filled me with deep sadness and jealously. I found the only way to get over these feelings, after going to confession, was to make a gift (like a crocheted or quilted blanket) for that person’s child. 
/
My husband and I are Catholic converts and began using NFP shortly after marriage (and after learning the Church’s teaching on contraception). When we experienced difficulty conceiving a child after having been diagnosed with endometriosis, my Protestant sister and the rest of my family couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t do IVF. And that was the only option that my GYN talked about when we discussed our infertility with her. 
/
Catholics would tell us stories about how people would adopt and then get pregnant a month later, but my husband and I never felt called to adoption. We just kept praying that God’s will be done and trusted that God would make us fruitful - even if it wasn’t with children. I remember finding a deep consolation after reading St. Therese’s “Story of a Soul”. She resolved to show Jesus her determination to enter the convent of Carmel by not giving up, even when everyone else was against it. I inwardly resolved as well to show our Lord how much I really wanted to be a mother by going through whatever I had to (while remaining obedient to the teachings of the Church).
/
After almost three years, a friend of ours introduced us to a NaPro doctor. We endured three months of charting using the CrMS, a trip over the mountains in a blizzard to Wenatchee to see the only NaPro doctor left in the state, and another month of getting poked with a needle every other day for a hormone panel. The day after my last blood draw, while the Pope Paul VI institute analyzed my results, they discovered that I was in very early pregnancy. My doctor put me on progesterone immediately and monitored my levels every two weeks. Now we are 4 months pregnant, my progesterone levels are fine, and my husband and I are positive that it was the intervention of PPVI institute and our NaPro doctor that saved our child’s life in the early stages. 
/
I guess I wanted to share my story for all those couples going through what we went through. My only regret is that I didn’t listen to my priest sooner and contact the Pope Paul VI institute sooner. I felt so lost and uncertain. Don’t lose hope. And make that phone call to Pope Paul VI institute. The lady I talked to was so helpful and friendly. She really put me at ease. God bless!

Wonderful article Jennifer, I’d like to share it with my priest.
I’d like to add my thoughts to your paragraph about loneliness, (stillsingleafteralltheseyears made some of my point) ... The same loneliness is felt by Single Adult Catholic Women as well.  I don’t think anyone realizes that a woman who has had no opportunity to marry and thereby attempt to reproduce…. feels just as infertile as an infertile married woman.  I truly identify with infertile women, because as a 40 year old single woman who follows the call of the church to remain chaste… I might as well be infertile.  My desire for children is just as squashed, just as painful as for a married couple…. but with the added insult that I don’t even get to try!!!!  The added insult that I could be as fertile as 25 bunny rabbits but it’s all going to horrible waste!

How I wish that these infertile couples would see fit to befriend me at church.  Talk about misguided assumptions…. everyone at church probably thinks I’m out whoring it up as a single woman when in reality, I am lonely and infertile and don’t even have a partner to lean on.

It is very important for the Catholic Church to realize the need to be able to minister to the infertile AND to the perpetually single.  We carry very similar burdens.

I have single Mormon friends who complain of the deficiencies of their ‘singles wards’ and ‘singles ministries’...  and it is clear they do need work.  But I can’t help but be envious that at least their church recognizes the single… even at a deficiency.

@Adrienne

Are you a spammer?  Seriously.  You have absolutely no clue about anything infertile couples are suffering, and you are using this wonderful article to spew your misguided “psychobabble.”  This is not the appropriate place to discuss your atheism or belief in embryo-destroying practices.

The ends DOT NOT justify the means…regardless of what you will read in “Mein Kempf” or Mao.  Just because IVF results in a beautiful child does not make the act itself licit.  Just because a raped child has a beautiful child does not make the act licit.  You need to spend some serious time in prayer.  I wish I could be more charitable and say I will pray for you, but as an angry infertile for 3 years now, and hearing people like you tout BC and IVF at me, I can’t.

I’m a bit confused as to how a discussion about infertile couples needing perhaps more compassion from the church turned into a Catholic vs Protestant debate or how this relevant to other groups?  Yes, the church needs to minister to older singles, but I don’t see how “what about ME” benefits anyone when it’s off topic.  It would be a great topic for another post.  As would the Catholic v Protestant debate. Here, it’s derailing.

My husband and I are infertile for 16 years and counting, and are adoptive parents of one. I am very grateful for this article increasing awareness of the needs of devout Catholic couples struggling with infertility. I would like to say a word to any priests reading this: I beg you to to explain both from the pulpit and in private counseling sessions the true teachings of the Catholic Church to couples facing infertility (Humanae Vitae and Donum Vitae in particular). I thank God for the faithful priest who opened our eyes years ago to the fact that IVF and many other practices of what I will call “mainstream” reproductive technology health care providers are illicit. We never properly learned until then. I struggle with infertility as the ongoing cross that it is but I feel that God has given me (us) this cross so that we can grow closer to Him; suffering is a window to God and an opportunity, if only more couples will be properly counseled on this. God bless all priests who instruct faithfully, openly and with compassion on these difficult issues. I also repent of any time I ever judged another family’s size. After all, Jesus was an only child. Everyone has a vocation they are being called to by God…single, consecrated, childless, small family, big family. We may not get to choose it, but whether or not we accept it, and what we make of it, is our gift to God. To childless Catholic couples: the world needs you. Although I am sorry for your pain, your faithful suffering benefits the entire Church in profound ways. God bless you.

Bridget, I was correctly rebuked by Sarah for my reply to Genpluggedincatholic, and I apologized to her with an explanation of my anger. Quite honestly, I replied to Second Chances on this page because I did not want her to have my email address at her site. I’m sorry if my explanation has upset you, but I wanted to explain my position that I don’t buy the Catholic church’s views on scientific intervention on medical issues. I don’t understand why God wants you to pray for a miracle and forbids people to try every means possible to stop suffering, including science, and follow His Plan. I’m sorry for your infertility and I don’t understand why you just take what God gives you and do nothing for yourself. If God, or a priest told you to jump off a cliff so God could save you, would you do it? In any case, this will be my last reply on this page. Go yell at me some where else.

@Adrienne

A wonderful friend of mine told me an analogy about the last question you asked me.  She said that, in life, we need to be “receivers,” and not “grabbers,” although this is totally against what our culture preaches.  We receive blessings, we receive love, we receive happiness.  You can’t grab it, for if you do, it won’t be a true gift. I have contemplated IVF many, many times, and each time, we’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t want to take the risk: the risk that, of every ten embryos that is formed, eight will not be implanted and die.  I don’t want a lab technician judging which specimen is to live or die (read, implanted), and I don’t want eight potential children locked away in a freezer, or being used in experiments. Every living child born from IVF means that several, sometimes dozens, were sacrificed, depending on the number of “tries” the couple took.  And believe me, it’s tempting, to grab what we won’t.  But we won’t.

Padre Pio told a wonderful story about suffering: he said that we, as humans, are like the child, sitting at the feet of its mother, embroidering.  On the back side, where the child can see, it’s messy and looks unattractive.  On the front side, where the mother is, it’s a beautiful pattern and everything becomes clear.  That is what suffering in life is about; it is not easy, and it sure as heck hurts, but it’s not to be avoided or postponed, because it forms you into a better human and brings you closer to God.  My husband and I will have children one day, but it will be in God’s time, not ours.

@ Adrienne: This made me chortle:  “usual biased psycho-babble about life beginning at fertilization”.  When, exactly, would life begin, if not at conception?  Are we dead, and then suddenly alive?  Is a there a point at which we are semi-alive?  Is this true of other mammals, as well?  In what parallel world is this an issue for psychology to determine?  Hint:  we usually use the word “psycho-babble” to talk about rationalizations made for unwanted behavior by psychologists.  Are biologists rationalizing the beginning of life? LOL.  Second Hint:  I think you’re confusing “living” with “personhood.”

I also have to say that “all means necessary” aren’t always available, regardless of beliefs.  IVF is terribly expensive, on the order of tens of thousands of dollars per try.  IUI is thousands of dollars per try.  And they’re not covered by health insurance (for us neither is clomid, NaPro, or any procedure or drug used only for fertility treatments).  Most of the time they’re not successful on the first try so repeated attempts are usually necessary.  As much as I would love to be able to conceive (and we’re trying other methods), IVF and IUI are just not an option.  We’re not wealthy people.

@Kay:  a good point about these procedures-another way they tend to make us see children as products for consumption, I think.

Wishing you a happy feast of Venerable Elisabeth Leseur, as she lived a very holy life of a faithful wife to her husband Felix and offered her sufferings of infertility and illness for his conversion.

May you all be blessed by her prayers!

Elisabeth Leseur
Quotes from My Spirit Rejoices

“My present trial seems to me a somewhat painful one, and I have the humiliation of knowing how badly I bore it at first. I now want to accept and to carry this little cross joyfully, to carry it silently, with a smile in my heart and on my lips, in union with the Cross of Christ. My God, blessed be Thou; accept from me each day the embarrassment, inconvenience, and pain this misery causes me. May it become a prayer and an act of reparation.”

In Jesus, Mary & Joseph,
Therese Garcia
& Hannah’s Tears Ministry
www.theapostolateofhannahstears.blogspot.com

Let us hear from you:  prayer@hannahstears.org

Adrienne: You can email me privately from my website.  It won’t publish publicly.  I’m sincerely interested in further discussion with you.

My husband and I had hoped to have children & found that we could not. We tried NFP and had the help of a very good doctor (Catholic) who was well trained and experienced in Napro-technology. It was difficult and tedious to go through it all; but we were in good hands and thought it worthwhile…to a point, for a few years.

  It was interesting to me that once we discovered that infertility was an issue for us, I became more aware of others dealing with the same thing. What I found however was that even with those in our parish, IVF was the preferred treatment, without question. That wasn’t an option for us. What I also discovered was how obsessed many of the women I knew were about their infertility. It made me realize I didn’t want to become that way about it.  One woman I got to know through our mutual struggle, who had a wonderful husband and who was also the only faithful Catholic I knew who, like me, wouldn’t resort to artificial means of concieving, seemed to become so obsessed about having a baby that it seemed to consume her. I saw that her husband was becoming more and more secondary in importance, almost reduced to simply being the mechanical means by which she might possibly conceive. It was at that point that I decided to let it all go. I loved my husband and though I had wanted to have kids, my marriage was of primary importance and the rest was what it was. The way I aw it was that my marriage itself was a great gift, my husband was a unique human being given to me to love. My own thoughts and sensibilities on the matter were that to have made the fact that we couldn’t have children a major focus of disappointment in our life together would have been like saying: OK, I’m happy with this great gift ...but not happy enough… I want more! I didn’t want to be like that. We did all we could in good conscience for a few years (my husband didn’t want to adopt so I respected that) and then let it go. There was peace in that…and still is to this day, some 15 years later. We can always find people in need of love and if we are married, our spouse is the obvious and most important candidate whether we are able to have children or not.

So that was my experience and I hope that my experience and perspective may benefit someone out there, even if it’s just one or a few.

(And by the way, NaproTechnology is good science…had we been a bit younger we might have taken the next step & spent the money and taken the trip out to Omaha but it would have been a hardship & a gamble. We had a wonderful and realistic doctor & I have no regrets.)

Catharine,
So right on so many points.  The marriage must be potected and adoption is not God’s call to everyone.  Valuing our spouse is pro-life and pro-family too.

Thanks Maureen!
Take Care & God Bless!

My wife and I met in our forties through a Catholic online and married. This in itself was miraculous—but space doesn’t permit. She had concerns about her fertility but also hopes. We had to decide right out of the gate what we were going to do: burden our new marriage with a guns-blazing approach to getting pregnant come hell or high water, or simply stay open to life and accept what God gave us. I didn’t think we’d do well under the additional strain, and that’s the course we took. She’s now in menapause, so that door is clearly closed. We can’t afford to adopt. People were beginning to look at us as those “dog people”. Then, through my wife’s work at a local crisis pregnancy center, we met a young woman we have been able to “adopt” and have become a sort of surrogate family to her and her little one. It’s been an unexpected source of great joy. I love to hold the little guy at Mass. Grace is where you find it, if you get my meaning—it’s not always where you want it or look for it.

BEAUTIFUL, Steve!!!

God Bless you all…seems He has!!!

Thanks for posting!

Thank you to everyone who has commented here.  I had no idea that there were thiss many, and now I assume more,  FAITHFUL, Catholic couples stuggleing with infertility.  I had never heard of NaPro before; I will check it out.  I have expierienced all the pains mentioned above, including the jealousy at the families who seem to conceive at the drop of a hat.  But the thing I struggle with the most are my friends who are fertile who contracept because “one is enough”.  I just want to tell them to keep having babies and I will take them off their hands!  Again, thank you to everyone who shared their intimate struggles.  I am uplifted and encouraged, and I will pray for you all.

My heart is with infertile Catholics.  I am not a Catholic, and I am not really infertile, but I do have difficulty either conceiving or carrying.  I was on birth control for a year when I was first married—no one told me the truth about it, it felt wrong but I was pressured from every side—and after we stopped it was 4 years before we conceived our daughter.  In that time I had at least one early miscarriage and quite possibly more like 9.  I mourned each of my children and expect to meet them one day in Heaven—God knows them and loves them and had a plan for them.  We never considered IVF or other unnatural fertility treatments, but by God’s grace eventually we had a healthy little girl, and 19 months later a healthy little boy.  (When we conceived my son I was on a few medications to help support the pregnancy, but nothing “illicit.”)  My son is now 17 months old, and we have not conceived, though we yearn for another child.  We are considering adoption, but it’s difficult when we remain open to biological children as well—if we start the process and get pregnant, it could be years before we could start again.  But it may be God has given us this time so that we will adopt… and of course like most parents with a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old, sometimes it seems like my kids are more than I can handle and sometimes I am frustrated with them, though I love them dearly & they’re the joy of our lives.  And I hate having a “perfect little family” and “perfect spacing.”  (We got those comments from the moment we found out my son was a boy.)  So I understand infertility and loss to some extent (though certainly 5 years is different from 20). 

I just want to say that even outside the church, you aren’t alone.

Genpluggedincatholic:  I understand your concerns because I used to feel the same way.  When I first learned about how birth control really worked, I knew I’d never be using hormonal birth control again.  But it was hard to see how NFP was different from a barrier method—because both were ways of preventing children.  I am sure that you don’t think, however, that there are no times when it makes sense to wait before having children: what if it would kill a woman to have a child?  What if any child were doomed to die?  What if a family were literally starving?  What if government policy would force the mother to have an abortion?  While trusting God wouldn’t necessarily be wrong in these circumstances—certainly Jochebed’s were as bad—I think most people would recognize that it is not wrong to delay or prevent children in these circumstances by licit means.  So clearly the fact that God has given a way to avoid children while still celebrating the marital union is a blessing for couples in these circumstances.  I understand, though, that it seems so many just want to use NFP the same way non-Catholic couples use contraception: have your 2 kids 2 years apart and then make sure not to have more.  God forbid they share bedrooms or you have to buy a van or you’re one of those families….  Eventually I read Theology of the Body, and I finally understood that while using NFP this way might be selfish and inappropriate, and while not trusting God or being open to God more might be a sin, using NFP is not sinful because the couple is not doing a sinful act.  Failing to have sex by mutual decision (as opposed to one spouse denying the other) cannot be a sin, because there is no act that is sinful.  If they used a condom, sex with a condom (being disordered sexuality) would be a sin, but if they are simply choosing not to have sex, they are not sinning.  I also have had another experience God used to open my eyes, where my husband and I had to abstain for an extended period of time for medical reasons (which are not the result of any sin).  I’m not sure all of what God was trying to teach us through that, unless it’s just that prolonged abstention is possible but very hard.  I understand how hard it is to want kids and to see people who could have them squandering that gift… but at least they’re not killing their children if they use NFP.  Even if used improperly, NFP is a dang sight better than any of the other options.  May God bless your marriage with many children :)

Infertility can be a painful and lonely experience.  One that can ultimately, if you choose, bring you and your spouse closer together.  I know, I have been there.  It is always my hope and prayer that those who are struggling with infertility will consider adoption.  Adoption is a beautiful and amazing road, it doesn’t have to be expensive and a “full-time job” as another commenter mentioned.  We have six beautiful children through the gift of adoption.  It doesn’t have to be viewed as the second best alternative.

I found this article very interesting. Reading the comments has given me some perspective on what other Catholics are dealing with as I don’t personally know another fellow Catholic faithful to the teachings of the church that is dealing with infertility issues. My husband and I are Catholics suffering secondary infertility.  I had no idea what it was until I realized we were having difficulties conceiving a second child. It was hard for me to deal with as I was raised in a large Catholic family and always imagined I would have a large family myself. We also had zero problems conceiving our first, it was two months after our wedding and we thought getting pregnant was a breeze!  All of my siblings (5) have large families, except one brother who is entering the priesthood.  My daughter was born 6 1/2 years ago and we have been praying for a second for six years now.  While that hasn’t happened, we are remaining faithful to God that he has a plan, and we remember that God’s timing is not our own! We also remember that our plans may not be God’s plans. While we would absolutely love to have many children or even just one more, and we are completely open to life in every way, we realize this may not be His plan for our lives and we accept that.  He has filled us with a peace this past year that having one child is okay. He took away the guilt that we carried and the feelings of failure that we couldn’t give our daughter a sibling. What we realize now as we are six years down the road and somewhat wiser, it was never in our control to begin with. God is in control!  We have visited the idea of adoption but do not believe God is calling us to that..not yet anyway. We essentially have unexplained secondary fertility and do not feel comfortable with the idea of using fertility drugs, those that induce ovulation( which has been suggested),  when there is not any medical diagnosis. So we are leaving it in God’s hands and hopeful that his plan might include more children for us, in whatever way that would happen to be through pregnancy or adoption.  We are also appreciating every moment of motherhood/fatherhood because we fully appreciate what a precious gift a child is and we have been blessed with one and we never forget that no matter how painful secondary infertility is. May God Bless all those hearts that ache for a child.

Thank you for writing this article.
I have some friends who struggle with infertility and they have done everything they can (within Church teaching). It is beyond heart-wrenching.

I really think we, as a Church, need to find ways to help and support these couples and give them community. The Catholic world is a very lonely place to be in without children. Pastors need to be more equipped and educated about the issues—not just saying, “don’t use IVF” or “try NFP”... the couples I know who struggle know MORE about their cycles and the science behind it than anyone. They can recite backwards and forward the exact reasons why they won’t use IVF because of the Church’s teachings. They’ve been there, done that. Adoption is also not for everyone… please remember that. It’s lengthy, complicated, costly, and often an emotional roller coaster.

All in all, infertile couples need more community within our Church. Their cross is heavy, and it is our job, as fellow Catholics, to help them carry it.

For those in the NYC area there is a new Catholic women’s health care center, the Blessed Gianna center. Sorry I don’t have the website handy but it has been written up in the archdiocesan newspaper Catholic New York as well as the NY Times.  this is a wonderful facility that works within licit Catholic teaching to help couples conceive. I hope this helps.

This was well written and sensitive.  My husband has cystic fibrosis that prevents us from having children without IVF or donor sperm which we aren’t going to be doing.  Most catholic infertility articles about the ethics of IVF annoy me because they imply that napro is not only the morally correct route but also the more effective, ignoring male factor infertility.

Family friends who have done IVF ask us why we don’t and are very offended when we try to explain nicely.  If they didn’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask.  I do get told that we aren’t ‘serious’ because instead of IVFing or adopting, we are fostering.  I don’t see the virtue in demanding the possession of a child.

Theresa,

  Thank you for your comment! You make very good points and I don’t see the male factor possibility brought up anywhere else in the discussion here. And you sum up so nicely, so clearly and simply, the point I was trying to make in my comment above based on my own experience when you concluded with: “I don’t see the virtue in demanding the posession of a child.” Well said! Children are a gift, not something we are entitled to or have a right to for ourselves… the world is full of people starving to be loved.

  Take Care & God Bless.

Hi,
I hope I do not irritate anyone by posting my study in the comments to this, but many of you seem familiar with the struggles of being Catholic and experiencing infertility. I am a doctoral student at the University of Michigan researching Catholic women’s experience of infertility.
I am looking to interview women who *have considered* fertility treatments and decided to *use OR not use* them. Interviews will be approximately 1 hour. Your identity will be confidential. I would be happy to conduct interviews over the phone/skype if you are not in the Michigan area.

The study has been reviewed and approved by the Institutional Review Boards (IRB-HSBS) to protect the rights and welfare of human research subjects recruited to participate.
Please feel free to email me with any questions or if you would like to participate.
Thanks & Best wishes

I know two couples, old enough to be my parents, who never had children but their marriages have been amazingly fertile in many other ways - both couples love and serve the Lord in all that they do, and dedicate themselves to the service of others. I admire them immensly, because 1) I don’t know how I would have dealt with it if I were not able to have children, and 2) they chanelled their love into so many other lives rather than remaining focused on what was missing from theirs - a sign of great humility. When I spend time with them I am always reminded that the MOST important thing is to accept God’s will in our lives, and to offer our lives in the service of Him and each other. Having children is not the only way to do this. I know a few mothers who too often complain that their children have “ruined” their lives, even though they wanted, went after and obtained the pregnancies by whatever means possible - once obtained, the sacrifices that motherhood entails apparently came as a surprise. I am saddened when I see this, because so many opportunities for experiencing and being testimonies to the creativity and generosity of our God are lost when we try to take His place. The key lies in being open to the design that God has on each of our lives, being “poor” enough so as not to put any obstacles in the way of God realising his plans for each of us.

Thank you so much for this wonderful article. We are experiencing secondary infertility. We have a beautiful daughter who is now seven and we get questions all the time about when will she ever get a sibling. I know people mean well, but it is very painful when people ask this question or think we are not following church teaching. Please keep this and similar article coming. Thanks again for this look at a very lonely subject!

My husband and I have been trying for about 18 months now and we still have no baby. I don’t want to do IVF or anything like that. I’d like to stay natural if I can. 
 
Does anyone one know how you can increase your fertility or chances of conceiving?

Bergitta, yes!  Ask your diocese whether they have any NFP (natural family planning) coaches around!  The awesome thing about NFP is that by helping a woman recognize her signs of fertility they can either avoid or plan a pregnancy!  Even better, look up the Pope Pius VI Institute and NaproCare because they have amazing medical technology that is completely in line with Church teaching that can do the most wonderful things to help couples conceive.

Like most of you who are infertile, there is a deep sadness, shame and emptiness there. I am now 37 years old. I was married in 2008 and I was diagnosed infertile in November 2009. My husband and I went to a fertility clinic and the Doctor said it will be hard for me to conceive a child on our own since my right tube was blocked. But she smiled and said there was hope we can do IVF. Immediately, I started crying uncontrollably, because I knew I could never have a baby through IVF. Something died in me that day. I could not stop crying and the doctor got irritated, “I told her I can’t, I was Catholic!” That’s that. I am not a saint nor do I claim to do the right things most of the time. But I believe in following the Church teachings. It is hard to carry this cross that was given to me, when I don’t even want it. “Why me?  What have I done wrong? I go to church on Sundays. I pray the rosary daily I do my morning and evening prayers. I go to confessions. What exactly have I done in the past that I was given this curse?”- I began to lose hope, but there was an inner yearning to refuse to let go of that desire to have a child. Then I began searching the internet for answers how to solve this infertility problem that is agreeable to Catholic teachings and found Naprotechnology.I taught to myself God was giving me directions where to go and how to do the right thing. I immediately contacted someone and they directed me to go to Pennsylvania.Although, I live in Maryland I did not care if it was in another State. I waited for 3 months before I met my Doctor. DOctor Mark Stegman.They taught me to chart before I was to see him. He was the most patient and compassionate doctor I met. He diagnosed me to have endometriosis and in August 2010, I had laproscopy done to remove endometriosis. On the operating room, this doctor came to me and prayed with me. He prayed to Mother Mary and the Holy Spirit. This humble man who was skilled in what he does did not trust himself but offered his work to the Father. Another year passed and we talked about a major surgery in correcting my right tubes in June 2011 we did the surgery. Again we prayed before I went to the room. He found out that I had a small cyst in my uterus and that he was able to remove it.He was also able to open my right tube without doing any major surgery,  it was just attached to my uterus due to adhesion from scars and endometriosis. He was smiling after the surgery because it was a success. I had to wait 4 months before we tried again. In November2011 we tried, I was given HCG and he kept close watch of my chart and medicine every months. I wish my story has a happy ending… but like most of you I am still waiting. (Or am probably too blind to accept what God wants of me) In January 2012 Dr. Stegman announced he was retiring on Febraury 23, 2012. The good, compassionate doctor who took care of me and gave me hope was leaving. I was depressed and thought was this a sign that Naprotechnology and all this charting is just for nothing? I know that I will be left in the hands of his associates, but it will not be the same because they were not the pioneers of this techinique. I taught God was giving me a hard lesson not to trust anybody but HIm. It was so hard to understand what God wanted for me.  It was even harder to take when 4 of my closest co-teachers got pregnant all at the same time, baby showers was done and by March, they had a healthy baby posted on their facebook, while I am still left with an empty tummy.What is worst there were other co workers who just doesn’t know how to deal about the situation. Asking me “Are you okay?” after the baby shower. It’s hard enough I cannot bear a child, even harder when others beside yourself see it as a failure. There were so many talks out of compassion and encouragement from others to take IVF and even one of our church members encouraged me to talk to the priest about it. For what? What do I expect? That a priest would agree to something the church is clearly unagreeable? That I get validation for the wrong things I want.No. At this point, I simply want to stop trying and following the rules. There is that clear option (temptation) to do IVF. But I stop and cry everytime I think about it, because even if I want to have a child desperately, I do not want to hurt God- and go against His teachings. Lately, I have been praying that God takes away this desire to have a baby.It’s hard when you don’t hear GOd answering your prayers. It’s even harder when you can’t see the path or direction for achivieng that hope.My husband and I are in the process of adopting but my heart is not in it. I still long for my own. Pray for me sisters as I will pray for all of you as well, that I may have the strength to continue doing the right thing even when I see no hope. Pray that I may accept God’s will…. God bless you all!

Thank you for the article.
I’ll tell you the content of an article about infertile to my wife.
Cheer ....

I found this on reddit subpage…

amateur homemade
http://www.reddit.com/r/amateurhomemade

@sister:  I’m right where you were last year. Your post really summed up exactly everything I’ve been thinking about and feeling.  Here’s the background:  My husband and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend! YAY!  In the last 11 months of trying to conceive, we haven’t been successful.  I believe its due to my age as I’ll be 42 later this month and my husband is 48.  My doctor says my numbers look great…for a 42 year old.  But we are basically borderline low ovarian reserve.  We’ve been charting, taking temps, etc and I’m taking clomid to help stimulate my ovaries, we are on month #2 right now of trying this method.
I have been doing a lot of research online about the Catholic teachings regarding infertility treatments and certainly want to have a clear conscience about what we are doing.  So far, I think we have done a great job.  But herein lies my question fo this group - PLEASE RESPOND as I need help!  There are varying reports and posts about IUI when the semen is collected through licit means.  On one hand, I’ve read that the church neither approves or disapproves of this method. The martial act is still done and the child would be concieved inside the womb.  Am I splitting hairs here?  I’m just so unsure as to whether I’d be committing a sin or not - I know God is the author of life, and He decides the timing if at all.  I’m scheduled to do the procedure in one week, and just need to know once and for all what is the right thing to do here - again, the semen will be collected licitly!  HELP!