In addition to the work-related ambitions of men which divert their time and attention from their families, I think one common mistake these days is for all Catholics, but especially men, to sacrifice the needs of their spouses and families for outside apostolates. Worthy as they may be, when a man works a full-time job and also spends a significant amount of time on an apostolate, that time has to come from somewhere. With all the chores, errands, and other things taking their cut, where is the time left for wife and family? I think sometimes men don’t value the affirmation they would get from their spouse and children if they received more of their attention, but tend to seek it elsewhere. Then, sometimes something which is good in itself becomes a source of division. I think anything either spouse does outside the family has to be evaluated together as a couple, and if the activity is causing unhappiness or stress in the family, it should be reconsidered.

I’m surprised you wrote a whole article about how a married man’s first vocation is husband and father without even once mentioning the possibility of *gasp!* stay-at-home-DADS!

Was it Lea Singh who also wrote about “fitting a career into motherhood” instead of fitting motherhood into a career? 

Thank you, though, for pointing out what we so often forget—that in the Catholic worldview, men are called to do the same.  Unfortunately, if you’ve been less than a fully practicing Catholic at some point in your life, that realization falls under the radar in a very subtle way:  you get used to the larger, more worldly, idea that men are free to pursue their career goals at the expense of their family, because their role as “provider” makes us think that they already have that covered.  And you get used to this being “the way things are” because you’ve not put God and vocation first.  As you’ve said, the Catholic view is simple, and has enormous implications.

My question is where all you people are finding jobs that support a family on a single paycheck. I would gladly uproot my family every year and work long hours if it meant my wide could stay home with the kids and we could make ends meet. Is there a secret pool of six-figure jobs I don’t know about?

*wife, not wide. Whoops. Don’t think she’d appreciate that one… :P

@John: I think it’s a matter of priorities and creativity.  My husband has a mid-level govt job with an average income (definitely NOT six-figures).  I have (mostly) stayed at home with the kids, though have gone back to work on an extremely part-time basis to help fund the cost of private school.  The reason we’ve been able to manage this is because: a) we don’t do debt & b) we live on a well-defined budget.  At times, we’ve had to cut our spending in order to make things work (like no eating out, no family vacations, no new cars, etc.).  At other times, we’ve had to find creative ways to bring in more income (like finding something I could do at home, even if temporary, or using a childcare co-op to save on daycare costs when I do work out of the home).  Two resources I would recommend: Phil Lenahan (www.veritasfinancialministries.com) and Dave Ramsey (www.daveramsey.com).  I think for most people, it starts with taking stock of your current financial situation, setting goals, and making the changes you need to achieve those goals.

Great points, Simcha!  Can anyone imagine Joseph as carpenter first, father second?  Saying, “Nah, I think we’ll just stick around Bethlehem.  There’re more carpentry jobs here than in Egypt.”

I agree with Kate that it would have been worth mentioning the stay-at-home-dad scenario, which is a valid option that some families are called to utilize either temporarily or permanently.

@ John.  It doesn’t take 6 figures for your wife to stay at home.  It takes both of you wanting it to happen badly enough.  My husband supports our family of 6 with well under a 6 figure salary.

...and some of us live pretty close to poverty level. That’s not what we want, and we do try to find ways to increase our income, but that is not the same as pursuing “career” for the purpose of personal fulfillment. The fulfillment comes from providing for the needs of the family. Sometimes in fact, that means Dad actually taking an extra job,not cutting back on work hours. But he’s not doing it to fulfill his career aspirations; he’s doing it to meet his family’s needs. Or Mom staying home so there is a parent in the home taking care of the kids and the home duties, when maybe she would actually like to pursue a career or outside interests. That’s the key: to fulfill the duties of our vocations as spouses and parents instead of our individual interests, whether that means working less in some cases, or working more in others.

The big lie that we men tell ourselves is that climbing the corporate ladder was the means to ‘care for’ my wife and children.  The lie is encouraged by secular marketing to our male insecurities (e.g., you deserve to drive a luxury car… you’ve earned it)

Like many men, I allowed my ego and selfish dreams to be success (by secular definition) to interfere with my vocation as a disciple, husband, and father (in that order).  It led to many terrible choices that caused emotional trauma on my family.

Fortunately, through a program at my parish, I learned about my married vocation.  I came to understand that all my family really wants is my time and full attention.  My sweet and innocent kids do not care about my title, or job responsibilities.  They want me to be around to coach their soccer teams, paint in the kitchen or run on the playground.

In two weeks, I will trade-in my corporate job that took me away from my home on travel 6-8 weeks a year for one that is 100% local.  Yes my career comes fourth behind disciple, husband and father but I am more at peace and experience more joy than ever before in my 41 years.  Thanks be to God!

For other men who need to get out of this trap, I recommend the program That Man Is You, available at many parishes in North America.  The program is about to close for this year (1 week left) but will begin again in September.  If you go through this program with an open heart, your life will change.

http://thatmanisyou.org/

@John—Before we got engaged, my husband and I agreed that the best thing for our children and for our family would be for me to stay home with them.  He definitely does not have a 6-figure job, and we have always had to live within our means.  We don’t have or do everything that it seems everyone else does, but we are comfortable and happy. You don’t have to be rich to have a parent stay home.

What makes you think that a man who works isn’t sacrificing for his family? What about men stuck in dead end jobs with no job satisfaction, long hours and difficult conditions, but they stick it out to provide for their family?

As a man, I’m kind of scandalized or upset by the notion that men only care about their work.

This may be the case for some of the guys in fancy-fancy jobs, executive suites—-the top 2% of workers perhaps—-but MANY, MANY males are just taking the pain and doing the job, day in and day out. MANY, MANY jobs are not glamorous, and it’s a misconception (perhaps generated long ago when feminists were first coming on the scene and making statements about work) that jobs are really great things, that they pay well, have great perks, offer advancement, offer mental/intellectual stimulation and provide you with intelligent and stylish friends!

Interesting how times change, but garbagemen are STILL garbage-MEN.

Also, jobs that might seem to women “glamorous careers”—such as doctors and lawyers (and they’re really not all that glamorous despite the paychecks), are still necessary professions that cannot simply be filled by single men and women. Not that their careers should be first in their hearts , but their time commitments to their families are necessarily going to have to be different from men in 40 hour/9-5 jobs. And, no, a woman couldn’t have such a career and be present to her family in the way her children would need her to be. Mothers and fathers are needed by their children absolutely—but they are needed in different time ratios. And, a man who pursues a career in medicine or law shouldn’t make sacrifices for work at the expense to his family that he doesn’t have to—but sometimes what he needs to do for work is going to mean a sacrifice for his family. I’m thinking specifically of military men who are required to serve tours of duty overseas. Yes, a man can do these things and still be first devoted to his family—find his meaning in the vocation of marriage and his fatherhood—but (this is what gets hair frizzed) a woman cannot.

This is a great post on a topic that’s such a minefield (right up there with the “Mommy wars”). It gets to questions of ambition, what motivates a person, what sacrifices each spouse should make for the good of their shared vocation.

Because I’m a teacher by training, the idea of a career trajectory in terms of “by age 35, I will be making six figures” is pretty foreign to me and for a while during my callow youth I felt like caring about salary is a sign of a greedy outlook on life. Then I had kids. And hospital bills. And life, in general. Now I get it.

I’m very conscious of my husband’s sacrifices in terms of long hours at work, commuting, starting fresh with a new career path a few years ago. We are fortunate as a family that he prioritizes us and values his vocation very highly. We have also tried various configurations of who works where (part-time, full-time, from-home, both work, one works, etc.) and I think part of the vocation to marriage is being open to various career possibilities based on what’s good for the family at that stage in life.

I would recommend Randy Hain’s “The Catholic Briefcase” for both men and women who are interested in Catholic perspectives on the value of work and how to integrate your faith into your career path.

Ben and Captain America, I don’t think Jennifer means that all men care only about their jobs, or don’t make sacrifices.  If anything, she’s pointing out that many Catholic men, who realize that their vocation as spouse comes first, actually do make many sacrifices for their families.  I personally have never been able to relate to the jealousy that some SAHMs feel toward their husbands with careers.  I’m sure there are some men who love their jobs, but I’m sure there are plenty of men who, even though they enjoy pursuing career goals, would probably spend their time elsewhere if money were no object.  I had a good-paying job and had to work fulltime when my son was a baby.  I feel incredibly priveleged that I am now able to be home with him almost fulltime.  I made huge financial sacrifices to be able to do that, but I don’t feel that I have made any personal sacrifices.  Taking care of him is far more rewarding than my career.  My husband’s sacrifice for our family is far greater than mine.  He works long hours at a low-paying job so that I can be home with our son almost fulltime, even though our income would be much higher if I were the primary breadwinner.

I think that its a matter of perspective….When my wife of 25 years and I started our family, it was a concern of mine that being a housewife and mother would not be enough to satisfy her. We discussed at length the roles of a traditional family and which one of us would commit to the burdens of each role. Society has programmed most people to believe that if your not in the workforce bringing home a paycheck your not worth as much as someone who does. I dont feel that way at all and it is my belief that God doesnt intend for us to feel that way either.
I feel like the root of this ideology is based on the fact that men and women must work independantly to fulfill their life and measure of success. But it is my contention that this ideology is a result of society losing sight of what a marriage is supposed to be. Matrimony, the spiritual bond between a man and woman when joined in the approval of God, reflects a special relationship that mirrors the relationship between mankind and God. A special partnership where both parties freely choose a different kind of life of commitment towards each other. A life that requires specific roles be filled and focused on completely. The role of provider requires complete focus and likewise being a caretaker also requires complete focus….each having specific burdens that cannot fully be fullfilled when distracted by attempting to fill both positions. A man and wife are a team with equally important roles and responsibilities meant to compliment each other. It doesnt really matter which role is filled by who…..but it works best when each partner is focused on a specific role and not overwhelmed by attempting to do both. The pressures of this World are far to burdonsome for one person to successfully fill either roll without the support of a partner.
Im not saying that it cant be done, Im just pointing out that God designed a plan and as Christians We should be able to accept and trust that it is his will that we are successful if only we follow his plan.

My husband had a lower six figure income, but we had to live in a high profile area, and even in a small house, we had a really high mortgage payment.  After that taxes CLEANED US OUT, so we STILL couldn’t pay for the lessons for our children that I had as a child.  My husband and I slaved to make ends meet (he put in long hours, and I had very little help).  Now we live in a big, sprawling family compound. My husband is working on his own business plan that isn’t yielding any income yet, and I’m perfectly happy with our low budget, the natural beauty of where we live, and all the helping hands of extended family. Most of all, I’m grateful to have my husband in our lives like never before.  I’m thinking that we won’t move back for *another* six figure job, unless it is significantly higher than what he used to make, (not because I’m greedy) and even at that, I would dread him being employed at that level, because they’d expect his life and soul in return.  Right now I’m glorying in being out of the rat race, and really praying for the right solution to stay OUT of the rat race.

I also don’t think it is accurate to say that men don’t have to give up anything when they get married and have a family.  With the needs of dependents, both living and future, weighing on me, I am certainly not free to do whatever I like.  Every career move must be made with the family’s current and future welfare in mind.  For example:
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If I get frustrated with my job, I can’t just quit and live on savings while I go find something else like I could when it was only me. 
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If there is an interesting opportunity to work overseas, I would have to consider if it would be best for my family to be there, or if it would be worth being gone for months at a time; however if I were single, I’m the only one that I have to answer to.
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And so on.  I don’t speak for everyone, but from where I’m sitting, I just don’t get it.

To all the young families…having a Mom at home full time while you establish a family in a very confused, rather sick culture is worth just about any sacrifice. I am thankful that God helped me make the choice to homeschool in New York City while living in a run down rental apartment for 15 years until we were able to afford alittle home. My husband’s salary as a NYC teacher barely covered the rent. But how his sons loved hearing our old car chug down the street at 4:00…Dad was home! Mom had dinner almost ready, kids helped set the table and a beautiful family evening began. Recently my beautiful new daughter-in-law who is expecting our first grandchild said she loved how her husband(my oldest son) was raised and wanted to do the same. Amazing!  Think…The simple, humble life, saying no to so much that is marketed as necessary to having a “successful” family, identity from God not Mammon. I would not trade my 15 years in that quirky dilapidated apartment with the eccentric Greek landlord, paid for by dear husband’s small salary . It taught my sons to be unspoiled, appreciative, hard workers, and aware that most of the people in the world have very little security in the bank…and to understand that we are not ultimately citizens of this world but of another and therein lies our true home.

I agree.  In the classes I teach in adult ed at our parish, we emphasize the difference between job and vocation.  What I do see, however, is that some jobs demand you treat them like a vocation, and demand you put them first, before family or anything else.  Jobs in the military, FBI, and police are like that.  Jobs in the health care industry, especially hospital workers, are likewise.  The frequent transfers these professions often demand are an additional source of stress.  I think this accounts for the high divorce rate in these professions.Men have to recognize this conflict and have to decide whether they are a husband and father first, or a “soldier” first.  I personally find many of these professions incompatible with being a Catholic husband and father because of the reasons stated above.

Dr. Dobbins, I have had similar thoughts re: the stresses of certain professions. In the difficult economy we’re currently experiencing, I think men (and women!) in a wide variety of professions face the question of - if I’m not putting in 120% at the office, could I be in danger of losing my job? And while we should, of course, trust that God will provide, there’s that constant questioning of how much extra time at work is prudent for job security.

Dr. Dobbins—Lemme get this straight—you don’t think Catholic fathers should be policemen, FBI, lawyers, doctors, in the military, or in businesses that require moving? I find that rather absurd. It is noble professions such as these which attract Catholic men and professions such as these where Catholic men are needed. There simply aren’t enough Catholic singles to fill the need. Or, any Christian singles. I, for one, seek out Catholic doctors for the benefit of my whole family.

I agree that men need to continue to be the providers. But provider for not just economic needs: The emotional, mental, spiritual needs of the spouse and children are just as important. And many men - sadly - fail to provide in these other areas because they only meet the economic needs and don’t provide for the other needs. It kind of gives a new understanding to the Our Father where Jesus says, “Give us this day our daily bread.” The “daily bread” is the spiritual bread (i.e. the Eucharist - Jesus). So, when we hear the old adage of bringing home “bread” (i.e. money), we can look at the nourishment of not only our bodies, but of our soul and spirit when we men become Jesus to our families and provide for ALL their needs.

(sigh) Thank you Rafael.  I read that to my husband Ricardo, and he asked me to thank you!

It maybe helpful if we had a proper understanding of Catholic Social Teaching and economic theory - which properly orders work.

Well written post.

Could not agree more - seems our Catholic world is just as caught up with keepin’ with the Jones as a whole.

Suzanne - any profession that requires them person to put their work before the family, constantly, is not ordered. However, with any profession - we can always find more work to do and neglect our family. Some professions are inherently disordered though.

http://distributistreview.com/mag/

anna lisa,

You’re welcome! I’m glad you and your husband were touched (it was part of my wedding vows). Praise be to Jesus!! Happy Easter!!!

I agree with this article, but some statements left me troubled. I’ll focus on one of the author’s concluding remarks:
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“However, I believe that in order for women to find real fulfillment at home, society must first reject the idea that working husbands get to put their workplace ambitions above all else.”
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This can’t be right. What help does this actually offer stay-at-home moms who are frustrated with and resentful toward their husbands and society? I am thinking of any one stay-at-home who is reading this article right now. She brings to this article the very frustration the author describes. Perhaps she is excited to discover this chord of understanding with the author: “This is what I’m going through!” And so she eagerly anticipates the answer. But at the end, what is the answer Jennifer gives her? “In order for you to be fulfilled, you will first have to change the society.” What is this, if not more frustration for this already frustrated housewife? The answer is unreasonable. It’s unreasonable because (1) it’s impractical - how exactly does one housewife manage to impose her will on a country of 300 million people? - and (2) it implies that Christ leaves this woman’s fulfillment in the hands of others. No. Her fulfillment does not depend on others, not even her husband. It depends on Christ, and her willingness to receive it from Him. That’s it. I’m sorry if it’s hard, but if we have any other schema in mind, we are deceived. Your husband does not get to decide whether you are fulfilled. Christ does, and you also with Him. We are called to face precisely the circumstances Christ gives us, and these include the freedom of others to follow Him or not to follow Him. So if a woman is faced with a man who believes his career aspirations trump all else - then her job is to ask for the Presence of Christ right there. Otherwise our position is that her husband is more powerful than God, that he somehow has the power to block the presence of Christ in her life. What could be more frustrating, or cause greater animosity, than that?
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What does it mean that ‘working husbands get to put their workplace ambitions above all else’? Here again I believe the author misses the mark. Is the prevailing culture now our god? We all ‘get to do’ all kinds of things, not just in this particularly decadent culture, but in all times and places. Is that the point, that we ‘get to do’ things? No. The point is that we choose to follow Christ because He is our fulfillment. The housewife who serves her family can do so for only one reason: she has judged that it’s in this way that she establishes her - her, not her husband’s but *her* - bond with the Presence. It’s not about who ‘gets to do’ what. It’s about whether *I* have chosen to follow Christ and how *I* judge I can best do that. I don’t get to decide the kind of relationship others have with the Mystery. I can only decide for myself what my relationship with that Mystery will be.
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“... men are happier too when they embrace the truth that the real meaning of life can never be found in a job.”
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Yes, the vocation of marriage takes precedence over the standard work situation, but I want to add that the real meaning of life cannot be found any more in a family than in a job. What if your family is dysfunctional? What if you’re too messed up to parent well? What if you have a husband who drags you and your children from one corner of the country to the other because his job is more important to him than you? How is that any better than a dysfunctional work situation? How are we any less able to love the people we meet at work than at home? Again, I’m not disputing that the vocation of marriage comes first (within reason) but I think we are equally deceived if we imagine our real fulfillment comes from our family. Christ is our fulfillment. Either work or home can become idols.

Tommy, I’m not sure what you mean with regard to inherently disordered professions, but surely you don’t mean to say that police officers, workers on oil platforms who are gone for weeks at a time, soldiers, doctors, etc., are inherently less capable of living out their vocation as spouses and parents due to the nature of their work. Do you? I’m going to guess that you’re referring to “professions” like hit man, prostitute, loan shark. I think there’s a vast area of prudential judgment for each family to assess the role of the husband and wife’s careers with regards to their vocations.

stay-at-home-dads are often forgotten about, we are also often shunned from SAHM groups and get togethers. but that aside, im glad to do what i do.

Absolutely. I’m pretty well prepared for work and somewhat prepared for motherhood. Luckily I was the oldest child in my family so I have a lot of experience with children but less with actually providing normal family activities. Learning online has begun to prepare me. Great article!

Important topic and a well-written piece. Re: married Catholics in “disordered professions” it’s worth thinking about the fact that Catholics are disproportionately represented in the military, law enforcement, and fire fighting. I always associated this larger-than-proportional phenomenon with Catholic teachings on service and love of neighbor.

@Claire (2:18 PM) “I don’t think Jennifer means that all men care only about their jobs, or don’t make sacrifices.”

Well, Claire, that’s how Jennifer’s remarks came out.  Ben and Captain America aren’t alone in seeing that.

Perhaps if Jennifer had included words as eloquent as yours describing out-of-the-house employment, work among strangers for strangers to pursue the goals of strangers in return for money alone, as the genuine sacrifice, a loss of time with ones beloved spouse and children and missed opportunities to keep busy caring for those one loves, the rest of us would be able to clearly see Jennifer’s essay as you do.

Rafael, I hope you will pray for *my* husband, who does not see the spiritual and emotional component as something he can manage “on top of” the stress of working for so little at a job he hates and the constant stress of paying the mortgage.  See, he wouldn’t say it is unimportant, just that it is secondary and that he can’t do it.
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I married a non-believer…and it seemed to me that he DID think, those years ago, that the “vocation” of family was most primary, but when it gets down to it without the teachings of our faith there is no reason NOT to put everything else (wife, children, spiritual and emotional health) aside and secondary to abject survival in the most thin and material sense.
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We are *not* even doing anything but *temporarily* surviving on credit cards and trying to ignore the cracked foundation and collapsing second floor of the house, mounting debt, looming threat of job loss, and steadily growing boy children who eat more every day.  And poor man, Husband doesn’t have the inner resources to nurture the relationship with his family that can help people survive even the worst disasters. 
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Thank you in advance for your prayers.

Micha, did you read Jennifer’s paragraph about the Catholic marriages she has witnessed where the men put their vocation of fatherhood first?

<b>Dr. Dobbins,<b>

What you just said is kind of ridiculous.  Regarding the divorce rates in the military nd FBI, do you have any evidence that faithful, practicing Catholics divorce at the same or higher rates than the irreligious, or non-practicing Christians?  Or even at the same rates as baptists, anglicans, etc.? 

My mother and father have been married 41 years.  28 of those while my father served in the Marine Corps.  My father-in-law as served over 20 years at this point in his Navy career.  He and his wife are still together.  My wife and I have spent about 20 months of our 4 years of marriage apart from each other as a result of the Marine Corps.  We are nontheless happily married.  It isn’t the job and its demands, it is how you spend the time you do have with your family.

QUOTE:  “With those last two sentences, Singh perfectly articulates a viewpoint that is extremely widespread in our society: That fathers who work do not have to put fatherhood first.”

This attitude is directly a result of Protestantism.  Calvinism, the father of the spiritual !@#$% called Protestantism, is the father of Capitalism.  According to Max Weber, in his book The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism,  Calvinists needed a way to assure themselves that they were truly of the elect in their terror of hell.  The way they settled upon was the making of tons of money.  Their theology was that if they were really God’s friend (i.e. one of the “elect”) this would be shown by their lives meeting with abundant material blessings.  They used a number of verses from the Bible that seemed to support their assertion.

Thus, we have developed a society in which money is the unconscious proof that God is really happy with you.  Nothing is more important than having money, despite what the Church teaches about the three evangelical disciplines:  poverty, chastity, and obedience.  We have a society which lauds and approves of exactly the opposite.  Instead of poverty (which means having enough to live on and a little extra and giving the rest to the poor and needy) we lionize those who are extravangantly wealthy and wish to be like them.  Instead of chastity (i.e., sex reserved to marriage and properly used in that context) we have become a nation of sexual degenerates.  And instead of obedience,  we are a nation that magnifies the decisions of rebels to reject authority.  Nowhere better is this seen than in the Catholic Church, which is filled with rebels and those who think that they have some sort of right to flaunt their decisions in the face of God’s chosen authorities over us.

Thank you, Protestantism, for screwing up the world and then tacking the name of Jaaaaaaaaayzuz to your vile heresies!!

Thank you! I grew up with a career minded mother. Work and running the business always came first. And I made it perfectly clear to my husband, I would sacrifice anything to stay home and raise my children. And it is possible. Unfortunately, men raised by feminist women don’t understand the value of a mother raising their children and running the home. It isn’t about women being “less than men”, it’s about our true vocations. I have a short window of time to devout to my children and I have always been aware of that fleeting time.

Corita….I will pray for you. A marriage and family are nothing without faith in God. You will “just be surviving” until God is the foundation. Pray for your husband! Pray to St. Monica to help. It took me 21 years, but this Easter my husband finally converted and I am beginning to see the fruits of being one Catholic family united. Never give up hope! Women are the heart of the home.

I will like to share this on facebook.

@Gwenny, Saint Joseph took the Holy Child and His Blessed Mother to Egypt obeying God’s instructions given to him by the angel, and thus he protected the Holy Infant from Herod’s wrath.  Finances had nothing to do with his actions.

@John and the subsequent posters who rather smugly implied that his family could of course survive on one income if only he had the right priorities: Not always true. We are not big spenders, live in a quite modest house with a mortgage that’s lower than many rentals in our area, and could not possibly survive on one income. Why? In part because we have a decent number of kids (who don’t attend private school), ongoingly support my husband’s family, and financially supported his parents through several years of illness, medical bills and funeral expenses. Mathematically impossible to do on one income…as we learned a few years ago, no amount of coupon clipping covers those chemotherapy copays.  We are in a financial mess to this day as a result, but I feel blessed we had the opportunity to help family when they needed it most, and we see it as one more way we were called to live out the fourth commandment.  Those of you who have made one income work…I honor and respect you for making it work, but please don’t judge those of us who can’t. It’s not like we are going to Vegas and buying Porsches. Or even buying lattes. As I type this, I am wearing nine dollar dress shoes from Walmart (my dressy work shoes) and pants from Target that I bought five years ago for $11.

@Corita, I am praying for your family too.  I wish I could gab at you for a couple of hours to explain how strained it really got for us before the light dawned.  As they say, “hindsight is 20/20”. Had I known how things were going to turn out, I would have focused less on the material struggle, (he ended up losing job and home, praise GOD!)and realized how truly lonely my husband was *also* in his long hours of work, and inability to cope with so much pressure.  I think I would have focused more on our *relationship* as a couple, realizing that this *first* needed first aid.  I remember sitting quietly with him one day, drinking a bottle of wine, and suddenly I just blurted out, “we both would die for our children, but if we love them, we will work on our personal relationship…eventually they will all fly away from the nest, and what will our identity as a *couple* be?”  I remembered a parenting class I had been to where one of the couples talked about how they emailed each other “love notes”  I don’t know why that struck me as it did, all I knew is that in the hot mess of raising a huge throng of kids, we had somehow lost track of the *lovers* we had once been—and more a loss of the *spiritual* aspect of this.  That couple I had listened to really was right in that a couple needs to put each other *FIRST*.  The kids are like baby birds always *asking*, but it is of paramount importance for them,(and their future relationships), to watch Daddy putting Mommy first and vice versa—tenderness goes SUCH a long way.  Resentment is poison. It kills. Love begets love.  Good physical-spiritual love begets more and more physical-spiritual love.  It simply stuns me.

I would love a little encouragement from someone whose husband is a teacher.  My husband is working full time and in grad school to become a teacher and I am having such a hard time dealing with how much he has to focus on getting his work done, and give up family time to make it happen.  I’m worried it will be just as bad when he is teaching—leaving early, coming back late, being involved with extracurricular activities, spending hours at home doing class prep and grading, etc.  And he’s not doing this because he wants a great career, but because he wants something stable to make enough money for us.  How do you teachers and teacher’s wives manage to keep balance in your lives with so much work in and out of the classroom?

Ooooh, sorry, Dr. James Dobbins @4:21 up there, but my husband is an officer in the Army, and he’s a Catholic husband and father first.  It is certainly not easy, and the Army’s demands take a heavy toll sometimes. I won’t deny or sugar-coat that.  We have had our struggles and hard times.  But it CAN be done when husband and wife both understand their vocations and have a realistic expectation for their military life.  Not all Army careers are equally demanding, and my husband has made conscious decisions that have steered his career in the direction that allows him more time at home with us.  He doesn’t need or desire to command a brigade—he wants to be home with his kids and so he’s made that happen.

Marie:  I totally agree. There are times when it is financially necessary for both parents to work, not to pay for lattes and vacations, but to pay the mortgage (on a modest home).

A fine article and needed in this work and success obsessed culture. My one contribution to the discussion would be to say that for many men, its not a matter of sacrificing certain career goals for the family. Rather it is the the work itself that is the sacrifice. Don’t forget the curse on Adam and the multiplying of difficulty in making a living (Genesis 3). Indeed, many men don’t really have careers per se, they have jobs and all the attendant crosses that come with them.

So true, John.  Even men who are blessed enough to have careers that they enjoy, I’m sure still have their share of crosses on the job.

Excellent article—I’ve been there and done that!  My sons are grown now and I’m newly a grandmother, and I’m watching the new parents go through what we did to enable my daughter-in-law to stay home with their daughter.  On his teacher’s salary it isn’t easy, but they have very little college debt left and no consumer debt (never have), and they’re making it so far.

@Corita:  I have been where you are, and things are beginning to turn around, praise God.  Keep praying, and I will pray for you, too.  God bless you and your husband!

Thank you to all who have offered prayers.
Please add to your prayer list the person or persons who broke into our home on Thursday!!  Praise God, I really think this is part of His plan for the robber(s) because now I have every person I know praying for them!

Absolutely agree with this article! Thank you for this!

I understand that husbands and fathers have family duties as their vocation (after and as part of their duties to God 1st). And it seems to be a misconception that God couldn’t call a husband/father to a lifestyle which would decrease time with their families, whether for financial or apostolic causes (ie being a doctor, police, missionary, etc). As one stated: these are “incompatible with being a Catholic father”. But didn’t Jesus call married men and fathers to be his apostles, to follow him for 3 years, to evangelize to the end of their lives, and die for their faith - at the cost of time with their families and their very lives? How could that same Christ not still be calling married men to give of themselves to God in the same way?  I agree with the one who said that parents are called first to be a disciple, spouse, and then parent (in that order).

It seems a lot of you are missing the boat.  What she is talking about is it being wrong for men to follow their own selfish pursuits and not regard their family.  Maybe taking a job that requires travel, when that isn’t necessary or moving the family to Europe despite the hardship it will give his family - and mostly the man who puts in 80hrs at work to get the promotion, even though he could be working 40hrs a week enjoying time with his family and have plenty of money, but not have that prestige.  She is not putting down men working hard to make ends meet or women that have to chip in to provide for the family. 
My husband struggles with this.  He has a career he loves and the job is always wanting to demand more of him.  He works long hours often not because he *has* to (he doesn’t get paid any more when he works more) but because he’s enjoying what he’s doing.  But the kids need to see their father in the evening.
@MarieElisa - that Joseph did not consider the financial implications of moving to Egypt, but did what was best for his family was exactly Gwenny’s point.

I understand that husbands and fathers have family duties as their vocation, but only after and as part of their duties to God 1st. It seems to be a common belief that God couldn’t call a husband/father to a lifestyle which would decrease time with their families or make their lives difficult, whether for financial or apostolic causes (ie being a doctor, police, missionary, etc). As one stated: these are “incompatible with being a Catholic father”. But didn’t Jesus call married men and fathers to be his apostles, to follow him for 3 years, to evangelize to the end of their lives, and die for their faith - at the cost of time with their families and their very lives? Aren’t these difficult responsibilities / calls part of our share in the cross of Christ - which no vocation is exempt from carrying?  How could the same Christ who called married Peter, not still be calling married men to give of themselves to God like that today?  I agree with the one who said that parents are called first to be a disciple, spouse, and then parent (in that order).

Whoops.. posted twice and before I was finished, :/

For those commenting about “high-commitment” careers like the military, police, or medical, yes they’re incompatible with family life but only inasmuch as life on this EARTH is incompatible! These careers do unfortunately demand sacrifices, but they are also breeding grounds for temptation because of the secular view that these should be the #1 priority for the career-holder. Making family a priority doesn’t necessarily mean sacrificing the career, but it does require an attitude adjustment. For example, a soldier sent overseas away from family could find the time to call and talk to the children instead of heading to the club for drinks in the evening, and take the time to pray for the family back home, then spend time with family when finally home again. If you are someone that can’t commit to working that hard for family and trying to resist the tempation presented by the job - THEN it’s incompatible.

To John on Friday 4/13 @ 10:06

You ask a very good question.  A growing trend I see among large Catholic families is to obtain their health insurance through a gov’t funded program. This enables the mom to stay home and that is how they live on an income that is way less than 6 figures.  Clearly this is not all large Catholic families with SAHM’s but in my small neck of the woods it is quite a popular option.

As much as some might deny what Ms. Fulwiler has to say, the problem she addresses is a reality. Many husbands get to choose their work and their outside activities and their wives have to live with their husband’s choices and figure out how to make things work financially, emotionally, spiritually, and logistically. That is my situation. This places a heavy burden on the wife, but if your husband doesn’t understand your stress or why you feel burdened by his choices, then you have to make more sacrifices and learn to live with his decisions whether you like it or not. Arguing or trying to convince him otherwise doesn’t work because he doesn’t understand. I don’t think a lot of women think about these things on or before their wedding day or fully understand what “until death do you part” means. If we knew what we’d be facing in a marriage, I think a lot of us would take the commitment much more seriously. If you’re married to a husband who understands his role as financial provider and “fun dad” and that’s all he really wants to do, it’s a huge strain on a marriage, but with God’s grace you have to do what you can to live with it. Let’s pray for all our marriages and for greater union, understanding, and compassion between spouses.

Capt America and Ben, I think that a man struggling with a thankless job day after day to provide for his family is one of the most holy things a man can do and I have a great respect for it. I actually wish my husband would do the same. He really believes that he deserves a job that is fun and cool makes lots of money and causes people to be jealous of him. He has made lots of money in the past working for a high end sportwear company and to do it, he had to move away (long story, trust me tht he moved and we couldnt)...which he did without a second thought. One day I saw one of the coveted, overpriced shirts in his closet and it wasnt even nice. I internally sank when I realized I had lost my husband to an ugly shirt. He has since moved back home, but even now I would be happy lessening my standard of living to accomodate a job that allowed him to make marriage and family a proper priority, but he isnt willing : (

As for the Dr’s assertion that one cannot do certain jobs and be a good husband/father. As a woman whose husband did 25 years in the military, I will tell you it takes an AMAZING person to not get lost in it and lose your bearings. We survived deployments and low level - PTSD, what we nearly didnt survive was his career winding down. To not get that last promotion was such a blow his reaction was profoundly distructive…and I suffered much. I understand how and why a person could say that my H had no business trying to do both.

Regarding careers that are incompatible with Catholic family life. It would perhaps be better to say that it takes a special vocation on the part of a woman to be married to a man who has a demanding career. For instance, some women can endure military wife life, many can’t. I told my daughter that she should only consider marrying into the military if she was prepared to a be a single mom, if she didn’t want her husband by her side when she gave birth, could make friends easily in repeated moves, could find others to substitute for extended family and even deal with the very real threat of PTSD. I think it also takes a special woman to be married to a fireman. I have three friends who are married to firemen - they have to be very flexible about the husband’s days off (which are like holidays when he’s home) and be self-sufficient when he’s on duty for days. It’s really like they have two different ways of operating - split lives, that are challenging to integrate. It also takes a certain woman to be married to someone who works at home. I like having my husband around 24/7, but I’ve heard other women say it would drive them crazy.

Jennifer,
I LOVED this blog post! My husband and I regularly discuss our Vocations and pray for God’s guidance as we attempt to live them out. Something else I would love to add (and this is a sensitive topic) is the understanding that, even when working in lay ministry, while it may be an apostolate, it is NOT necessarily a Vocation.
The temptation for husbands working in lay ministry is to work long hours at the office (i.e., Diocesan or parish) and then maintain that lay ministerial availability when he returns home. As Catholics, we may forget that our lay ministry leaders, if called to married life, have duties that super-cede the parish and diocese. It is so important that we encourage our lay ministers to “GO HOME!” and live out their Vocations! When they face judgement by God someday, it will be based on how they primarily lived out their Vocations. Apostolate work, lay ministry, etc. will fall further down the line.
Just a not-so-gentle addition to your wonderful blog post!

@Marie on Saturday, Apr 14, 2012 3:40 PM (EST):

Thank you SO MUCH for your comment. Posts like this and the well-intentioned comments that follow, about women needing to “realize” that they are the “center of the home” only serve to make Catholic mothers like me, who work full-time outside the home and still love their children infinitely, feel guilty.

I want to re-read everything here and I love Jennifer’s main idea, that men don’t have to be workers first, and fathers second. But the conversation has devolved and is making my head and heart hurt. We work two jobs because we have to pay the (modest) mortgage and we want to send our kids to Catholic school, and retire someday. I can’t see how that’s so wrong.

el-e-e:  there’s nothing wrong with it.  You’re working outside the home because you have discerned that it’s in the best interest of your family. That’s a far different story than working for expensive vacations, lattes, etc.  I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let people outside your situation make you feel guilty!

I don’t really understand the assumption that women are needed in such a different capacity than men. I’m seeing this underlying idea that if a woman spends most of the day at work, and comes home for dinner that her children are suffering, yet if a man works all day and comes home for dinner, he is a great father. Why do children need mothers 24/7 and only need fathers part time? If a mother going to work and missing out on time with her children is criticized, why is the same not criticized in men? Are mothers just that much more important?
I also will never understand why every woman has to choose between staying home with children or having a career, yet men never seem to have to make that choice. (Certainly there are stay at home dads and I applaud those men. I wish they were considered part of the conversation more often.) It is assumed because the father is a man, his job will always be outside the home. Why is this?

This is exactly the frustration I’ve been feeling ever since I married my husband. He is a Lutheran pastor (yes I’m Catholic, don’t ask, it’s a long story, lol!) and it’s a distinctly un-family-friendly career. He makes very little money (a teacher’s salary) and yet works 60 hours a week and is on call 24/7. We eat dinner anywhere from 4pm to 8pm just to have dinner as a family and still don’t have dinner together every night by any means. His job doesn’t really allow for me to SAH yet I cannot find a job because his career has us moving every 1-2 years and I’m a certified teacher in our home state, not the one we currently live in. Yet, he’s considered a success and a great dad/husband by everyone else and is encouraged in his selfish pursuit of his career. My MIL once even told me it was okay if I was Catholic “so long as it doesn’t affect his ministry career”. She wasn’t even kidding.

I have to say I never understood why his family and church (after we got married) suddenly seemed to not understand that he was a husband and father first, everything else second but not it makes more sense to me. For them (and I didn’t understand this before we got married), marriage is not a vocation. It’s not a sacrament. It’s just nice to have someone working alongside you while you pursue your true callings which involve paid work, education, ministry, mission, etc. So kids are an optional luxury, not the natural result of a good marriage. And families are there to serve the career, not the other way around.

S:  men and women both have the choice between a career and staying home.  Men more often choose to work, and women are more likely to be the ones who choose to stay home for a variety of factors.  Historically, women were the default for staying home due to biological issues (pregnancy related medical issues that made it harder for them to be away from home, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc).  Consequently society was structured along those lines (of men working and women staying home).  These factors are still present today, but in modern society things have started to shift so that it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.  But the biological default still means that often it makes more sense for the mother to at least initially be more tethered to the home.  When the dad is the one at home, I don’t think many people would criticize the mother for working all day and coming home at dinner.  I think the criticism gears up when both parents are working fulltime, and the kids are in daycare, especially if the two incomes are perceived to be for the purpose of affording luxuries rather than just necessities.  (I’m not saying that I personally think there’s anything wrong with daycare;  I’m just saying that I think this is often the root of the criticism.)  Since this is getting long, I will start a new comment to share my experience with my husband being the primary caregiver.

Continuing…in my household, my earning potential far outweighs my husband.  When my son was a baby, my company did not allow for part-time work, and there was no way we could survive on my husband’s fulltime salary alone.  We didn’t want to use daycare (again, not that I think there’s anything wrong with it, but for a variety of reasons including financial, it was not what we wanted for our family).  So, after my maternity leave, I returned to work fulltime, and my husband cut back his hours to part-time, working opposite my schedule.  Emotionally, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and it was more painful than years of infertility and miscarriages.  I’m not saying that every mother has that reaction to leaving her three-month old baby, but I think that many do.  Again, biology plays a role here.  My husband is not your typical macho stereotype by any means;  he is very sensitive, gentle, etc.  But when he left my son as a newborn to work fulltime during my maternity leave, and again when I was finally able to quit my fulltime job, he didn’t blink an eye.  It just didn’t affect him the way it affected me.  When he was home with my son, he did a phenomenal job.  But as my son got older, it became clear that it was not the ideal situation.  We tried unsuccessfully to find a network of other stay-at-home dads.  My husband did not feel comfortable having playdates with other mothers (and I suspect that many mothers would not have been comfortable with that either).  With my son being an only child, this raised concerns in terms of his social development.  So what I’m saying is that, while there’s nothing wrong with a role reversal, or with both parents working fulltime if that is in the best interest of their family, there are valid reasons why the traditional model is more frequently going to be the one that people point toward.  (Which is not to say that that justifies criticizing or judging another family’s choices…)