I came across an online discussion the other day in which moms were agonizing about how to make sure their teens had fun during the summer. In reading the back-and-forths with suggestions of all the things kids could do to maximize their amusement while out of school, it occurred to me: I don’t think I’m going to be very concerned about this when my kids are teens.
Don’t get me wrong: I want them to enjoy life and be peaceful, joyful people—it’s just that I don’t think that specifically aiming to “have fun” is the way to do it.
The dominant worldview in the culture where I grew up was that kids should have as much fun as possible. Moms and dads encouraged their kids to strive academically and in sports or other activities, but they also heavily gauged their performance as parents based on how much fun their kids had. Teens were told that work and sacrifice were dreaded parts of the “real world” that should be put off as long as possible; these last few years of having the opportunity to do nothing but focus on your own amusement were something to be cherished and savored.
These ideals are touching in their well-meaningness; the only problem is that they’re not what kids really need, or even want. Especially once we reached the teenage years, there was an unmistakable sense of restlessness and pent-up energy among the young people of my generation. Destructive behaviors like drug use, premarital sex, vandalism, etc. were surprisingly common, as were depression and even suicide attempts—and, oddly, this kind of thing seemed to be most common in the areas where the culture most strongly emphasized this “enjoy your last years of freedom and have fun” ideal.
Looking back, especially with the benefit of the wisdom of the Catholic Church, it’s clear how much we young people hungered for a mission. We wanted to feel like we were a part of something bigger than ourselves, to feel needed by the world around us. Far more than we desired to be amused, we craved an outlet for our limitless energy, and a chance to prove ourselves and use our budding talents.
Mike Aquilina wrote a fantastic article a while back that takes a look at how the Church Fathers approached youth ministry (seriously, go read the whole thing). He points out:
What made the Church attractive in the third century can make it just as attractive in the twenty-first. In the ancient world and in ours, young people want a challenge. They want to love with their whole being. They’re willing to do things the hard way—if people they respect make the big demands. These are distinguishing marks of youth. You don’t find too many middle-aged men petitioning the Marines for a long stay at Parris Island. It’s young men who beg for that kind of rigor.
Obviously we all need regular time to relax and unwind; but, as Aquilina points out, too much of it leaves people—especially young people—feeling aimless and open to the temptation to engage in destructive behavior in the desperate search for real risk and adventure. I think that the teens of today are more desperate than ever to hear the message: We need you. We need your energy, your talents, and your fresh perspective. There is a great battle of good vs. evil raging in the world around us, and we need you to fight.
Given the options of a) spending their teen years following the call to hard work and fighting to make the world a better place or, b) optimizing on having fun, I think our young people might surprise us with which one they’d choose.
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Exhibit: DO HARD THINGS: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations ... Written by the Harris twins when they were 18 years old.
Great article. I’m in your camp; I’m not convinced this is something I’ll concern myself with when my kids are teens. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) Kids need to learn how to be bored. It exercises their creative capacity and is “real-life” training with becoming an adult. Plus, it helps them in time management and hones their reading skills, since reading is usually a pretty good option when kids don’t know what else to do. 2) Life as an adult is not one big party, to be paid for by the “necessary evil” of a job. Kids who expect life to be entertaining will have a difficult time adjusting to adulthood and taking on real responsibility. Entertainment and relaxation can be important, but they have their place—and it ain’t #1. 3) Kids need down-time, not only for the previous reasons, but because chronic over-scheduling doesn’t do them any good, either. It’s hard enough to break out of the rat-race mentality as an adult; there’s no reason to push kids into it while their young.
My childhood, in retrospect, was a gift from God. A girl of 9, in 1973, keeping the house of her divorcee mother whose only aim was to party hearty. My rebellion was aimed at the foolishness of her vanity, and the American cultural prediction that I, a poverty-stricken-latch-key-kid, would be destined for the welfare rolls with plenty of illigitimate babies in tow.
The hell I will, thought I, in my youth. So, with the Lord as my shepard, I focused, went through med school on a military scholarship and am a joyful wife and mother of two, continuing to actively practice my God-given vocation as a physician. Thanks be to God!
I write this not to showcase me, but in the event that someone else needs the witness of a person working against all odds to achieve heights that most would predict would be crazy to even attempt. Walk humbly with Christ first. Love the Lord, and ask Him what He wants of you; then do what He says. Secular statistaticians can’t compute this winning formula!
I think what these parents are actually trying to do is keep their teens “out of trouble” by making sure they have stuff to do. “Idle hands” and whatnot. However, like Jennifer pointed out, trying to make sure they’re constantly entertained is not going to accomplish this. They need to be doing something “productive” and practicing how to be responsible adults.
Great article. I read a proverb from Asia one time that said something to the effect that if you want your child to be strong, you must weigh him down with heavy burdens. When I looked for it, all I could find were websites dedicated to lightening children’s backpacks.
Even as we make our children’s lives more cushy and fun, we heap our emotional baggage upon them in the form of broken marriages, drugs, and violence (mostly on TV). These too are burdens, and they are burdens that cannot make children stronger.
As you say, children need to be told what to do. That’s what makes them children, they have no idea what to do. We need to give them direction. It must be positive, and it should be strenuous, difficult - perhaps even impossible. Who else would attempt the impossible?
There is implicit in this concept of adolescent “fun” the Enlightenment idea where children are born “enlightened”, and it is society (in the form of the Church) that buries them under the weight of its expectations. This rubbish has broken up the Church and destroyed society. And it continues to do so. Our adults now behave as children, instead of teaching their children to be good and strong little citizens.
perhaps it was wrong to use the word ‘fun’ I would have phrased the last paragraph differently, would you prefer to spend your holidays getting rat-arsed and playing HALO 3 for the 9999th time or spend time working and living in a Religious community (as I did last year) in some way (perahps in an orphanage run by Religious) which may lead to a vocation to the Religious life.
My friend and I had an idea for a summer camp that teaches kids basic plumbing, electrical, carpentry, and gardening skills. So much more useful than archery and baton twirling. Also it would give kids skills that they could use for a lifetime, and maybe even a career. Great preparation for mission work too. We’d call it something like “This Old Camp.” All these were skills that my grandparents’ generation had, but somewhere along the way no one thought my generation (gen X/Y) needed to learn. Time to turn back the clock.
My teens do a lot of volunteer work, but I think there is no substitute for making your teen find a job. I wish I had made all of my kids get some kind of job when they turn 16. As it is, even with the volunteer work, they have way too much time to spend on Facebook and hanging out with friends. I encourage those of you who do not have teens yet, to consider how you will help them learn to be responsible if all they are doing is planning social activities and “fun”.
we tell our kids:
“you must cross the river of boredom
to enter the land of adventure.”
The new YouCat, Life Teen Masses, watering down confirmation preparation etc are abominations as is the lack of modesty among our youth…it really isn’t hard to dress properly: http://www.leahdarrow.com/
Commenter Lauren- I LOVE the idea of your “This Old Camp” Where can I sign up my kids? Or myself for that matter :-).
And commenter “Dango” That quote is going on our family white board!
We have a “Boredom Buster” jar. If someone says “I’m bored” they pick a slip of paper from the jar and do whatever is on it. Sometimes it is a joyless job, sometimes a creative activity idea. They don’t like to say “I’m bored” because they might get a chore they don’t like.
LOVE the “this old camp” idea! Where can I sign up (my kids)?! :) I totally agree that teen/young adult zeal is a gift that needs to be channeled, rather than given the freedom for “fun.” I was a product of a wonderful group of friends that met while serving on a summer mission trip when we were all 17. We’re still friends, 13 years later. I also am a huge fan of ministries like NET that use the enthusiasm and energy of young adults to help spread the Gospel across the world. @ tormented pewsitter: I can’t speak for your parish, but the one I was part of as a teen/20-something had an AMAZING Life Teen program that contributed to my conversion to Catholicism. Done well, I think Life Teen is a huge blessing and gift to the youth of the Church.
I am a youth minister at a church with a pretty sizeable youth group. They are pretty much the best kids I’ve ever met. Everyday they say or do something that suprises and inspires me. But, they encourage and inspires me when they are praying, singing, serving AND having fun! When did having fun HAVE to become a mindless, aimless pursuit of nothing but pointless amusment and tempting behavior? We meet 2 times every month, the first month we have Adoration (Our priest requires at least one adoration meeting a month) and after Adoration we do teachings or prayer teams or bible reading. And the other meeting is fun night where after a short prayer we let them HAVE FUN! they play games, chat, watch movies, the limits of the church’s building is the literal LIMIT! But on these fun nights, Ive seen depressed kids become encouraged, outcasted kids in school become the center of attention, we’ve have teachings on questions they ask, I’ve even seen them play ping pong WITH OUR PRIEST! (And he’s not too shabby! haha) The point is, you all seem to think that fun=pointless pursuits in today’s society and if that’s the case, what a sad world YOU live in. Honestly, attend a Steubenville Conference and you wont see teens engaged for three days in service projects, missionary work and deep, contemplative prayer. You will see them Praying in a way they never have before, they will be singing songs they fall in love with, they will be recieving knowledge and love they desperately need and yes, they will be having more fun then they’ve ever had in their lives. The point is, you all seem to think that fun=pointless pursuits in today’s society and if that’s the case, what a sad world YOU live in. I certainly dont live in that world and neither did Jesus (His first miracle was performed at a party, helloo!!!!!)
Being “poor” helps. Also raising them as homeschoolers. They’re at home so much, they have to be much more inventive with their fun needs. When we take them out on play dates (frequently), they cherish it all the more. Granted, they’re younger still (oldest is age 9), but I foresee this pattern working while they are older too. Lots of brothers and sisters helps break the boredom as they have each other to feed off. Finally, they don’t have internet/cell phone/tv access (but they do have computer access in the living room); this helps preserve their innocence a lot longer than with other kids. They can play music (they love classical and nice vocal like Bing Crosby) that we’ve stored on their computer or at night we let them watch 30-45 minutes of a classics family movie stored on the computer. What a 15-year-old has experienced for the last 4-5 years will hopefully be novel and more age-appropriate to them. Will it work to attenuate teenage boredom? I think so, especially with the older ones. I’ll try to re-post here next decade and let you guys know. ;)
Right on! High school kids don’t walk into AP Biology class and the teachers starts off telling them how cool the cute little fishies are or “I promise you’ll love it!”—gush, gush. Kids get it. If religion is banal-sound bite-i-pod-hipster-chique they will bail once their brain starts working. We wonder why so many people leave the Catholic faith by 24. It’s not because the faith isn’t brilliant, its because those presenting it to them are still taking cues from sesame street. That’s not big deal when the kid is 3, but not so cool when they are 13.
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