For some people, becoming a parent is a natural part of life. They grew up around babies and kids, and so nothing seems out of the ordinary when a loud little eight-pound bald person shows up at their house one day. Not so for others of us.
I was an only child. I don’t recall ever having a friend who had more than two siblings living at home, and nobody I knew had a baby in the family. In the years after I graduated from college, few people I knew were married, none had kids. By the time I got married, I’d lived in an adults-only world for so long that I had this this vague impression that new human beings were added to the world through a secret cloning room at the back of Starbucks, emerging as fully dressed 20-somethings complete with lattes and wire-rimmed glasses.
So when my first baby was born, I was shocked. I’d never changed a diaper in my life. My husband had never held a baby. We were utterly unprepared for for the months and years that lay ahead.
Amazingly, it’s all worked out. My oldest child is about to celebrate his seventh birthday, and he and his siblings are only occasionally mistaken for feral children. For those who just stepping onto the parenting roller coaster and are similiarly unprepared, here are a few things I wish I’d known in the first few years:
1. Get some sleep. You’re not going to get as much sleep as you’d like with a baby in the house, and it’s important to accept that. But that doesn’t mean that it’s fine to walk around like a zombie for months at a time—your body needs regular rest for your mental and physical wellbeing. During more than one postpartum period I’ve hit a point where I felt like I was going insane, only to realize later that I was just really, really tired. Some parents find that cosleeping works wonders for making sure everyone gets enough sleep, others prefer easing babies onto a schedule (personally, I’m a big fan of The Sleep Lady’s methods). Whichever way you approach it, make it a priority to get as much sleep as you can.
2. Get some help. As you know, I’m a big believer that stay-at-home parents need help. You may not feel comfortable leaving your baby with a sitter yet, but consider hiring a kid from the neighborhood to watch the baby occasionally while you take a nap or do stuff around the house. If there’s no room in the budget for any help at all, chat with your spouse about making sure that you both have regular down time. You’d be amazed at the difference it can make it your life when you’re getting time to rest and recharge your batteries.
3. Remember that your parenting philosophy is not your religion. When I had my first child, I adhered strictly to the advice of a certain popular parenting philosophy—even after it should have been clear that this was a horrible fit for our family. I’d fallen into the idea that this philosophy was for parents who loved their children; all other viewpoints were for lazy suckers who couldn’t care less about the wellbeing of their offspring. Only after 20 months of misery and a near-breakdown did I finally admit that this wasn’t working, and began doing what works for us instead of what Dr. So-and-So says is the perfect way to parent.
4. When listening to parenting advice, consider the source. Specifically, consider the advice-giver’s temperament. In my first year as a mom, I took the advice of some well-meaning friends who told me to nap when the baby naps, then schedule as many playdates as possible to keep myself sane. I have trouble falling asleep, so my attempts at napping usually ended up in huge frustration sessions where I’d be dozing off just when the baby cried; and as an introvert, I found that socializing depleted my already-low energy stores—what I really needed to unwind was quiet time to read a book. My friends’ advice worked well for them because they’re extroverts who sleep easily; but for this introvert insomniac, it was a recipe for disaster.
5. Make time for your marriage. You aren’t doing your child any favors by putting your marriage on the backburner in this busy phase of life. If there’s no room in the budget for babysitting and dinners out, schedule romantic at-home date nights at least once a month.
6. No, seriously. Make time for your marriage. It’s easy to nod at the advice to put your marriage first, but then get swept up in the craziness of daily life and end up going weeks or even months without any meaningful time together as a couple. This is especially true for new parents. So make sure that you’re making a conscious effort to strengthen your marriage, no matter how tired and busy you are.
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Hopefully that’s some good food for thought for new parents. (Now I just need someone to write a survival guide to the teen years for me.)
Experienced parents, what are your tips for moms and dads just starting out?
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Breastfeeding is often challenging in the first couple of weeks, but after it smooths out it is INCREDIBLY EASIER than fussing with bottles. It’s so easy to want to give up (especially when that can of Enfamil is sitting so temptingly on the counter; thanks Mead Johnson for the undermining!) if you’re having trouble in the exhausting early days, but you’ll be so glad later if you’re able to get a lactation nurse/la leche league helper and make it through the early rough patches.
I had a really rough time getting started nursing baby #1, but got through it and nursed her for a year, then #2 for a year and a half, then #3 for two and a half years. Then adopted #4 and wished so much that I could have nursed him, because formula and bottles were such a pain in the neck!
Don’t feel you have to get up and do everything (like massive Thanksgiving grocery shopping trips at 5 days postpartum….) immediately after having the baby. Your body has just been through war and feeling like you’ve been hit by a Mack truck is totally normal. Likewise, if you’re feeling better earlier than you expected, just listen to your body about how much you can handle—not your well-meaning friends and relatives who think you should be in full traction for 3 months after giving birth. For me, regulating my own activity level despite expectations either way was great practice for later informing those same friends and relatives that despite the seeming chaos in our little house, we would in fact be welcoming another baby (and another… and another… and another…)!
This was great! I’m pregnant with my first, but have lived around babies all my life. There was always someone being born in my family or neighborhood, so I got practice with being around babies. My fear is knowing that now I have to take care of one 24/7 for 18 years. Yikes! I can’t wait to read more advice.
Husband and I always put the kids down at 7pm. Then we have two hours to ourselves, to unwind, talk or just sit and watch some t.v together.
Thanks, Jennifer, for your words of wisdom! Over time, I’ve discerned that the real weapon of mass destruction is sleep deprivation. Our eldest is eight now and our youngest (#4) five months, but wouldn’t you know it - there’s still nothing like quality snooze time to revitalize body and soul and provide renewed perspective.
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And - don’t forget to pray. There’s nothing like an extra set of Hail Marys during a late-night feeding!
Don’t beat yourself up if reality conflicts with your expectations. I fully “expected” to breastfeed my babies. By golly, I was going to enjoy the bottle-free, fuss free life I’d heard so much about from my friends who’d had babies…and then my first was born with tongue tie, which went undiagnosed for a long time, but in the short term it meant that he. couldn’t. latch. on. And I didn’t seem to be making any milk, either.
We turned to bottles. Fast forward through three more babies—all of whom have been born with varying degrees of tongue tie—and a very revealing mammogram which showed my breasts were not designed, well, the normal way. For years I had guilt over not feeding my baby “the perfect food.” But—they’re healthy and happy. Sometimes you do what you need to do, and beating yourself up over it just creates an unhappy mommy.
Also, trust your gut. My second baby, when he was born, felt so tense when I held him and fed him, that by the fifth month I was marching into my doctor’s office with a list of symptoms, and asking about reflux meds. My doctor listened (also, find a good doctor who sees you as part of a team, not a stupid parent who knows nothing), gave us a Rx for reflux meds, and our baby turned into a happy, thriving baby. My gut told me something was wrong, and I went with it.
I just wanted to add that having a baby doesn’t suck for everyone. When I was 9 months pregnant with #1, I felt so uncomfortable, couldn’t stop peeing and couldn’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. But everyone told me things would be MUCH WORSE after I had a newborn to deal with.
Well guess what? It wasn’t worse. It was super easy.
I had a sweet baby girl who loved to nurse and was generally content. Within a couple weeks I figured out how to nurse her while I slept, so I got caught up on sleep. By the time she was a month old it was old hack. Feed her, change her, bathe her, and a little bit of play time. . . . I had most of the day to myself.
I didn’t have any experience with babies, and I had no help except for my husband’s two weeks of paternity leave. Baby #1 is 2 years old, and baby #2 is due in November.
Don’t bother telling me how much harder #2 will be. She may or may not be! You don’t know! :D
I grew up in a big family, my first child was #26 of the grandchildren - and it’s still hard!! I figured that parenting would be easy since I’d grown up changing diapers… but its a whole different ball of wax when the mom or dad isn’t around to save you in times of screams. Don’t beat yourself up because you should already know these things!!
And I second the putting the baby to bed by 7 or 8. It will mean early mornings - but those early mornings as a family with a well rested baby are so sweet compared to the fussy evenings.
My son will be 15 months old when #2 is born in October! I hear it’s easier the second time around… I guess we’ll see!
Listen to your baby! You will get to know them and their needs by their different cry’s. Hungry is different than hurt of angry or I just want to make noise. Also, be sure to feed them as much as they want. They are not like us about over-eating. (at least mine were not) My daughter would not sleep enough at night and was always cranky until I figured out that she needed something more substantial than formula. We put some rice cereal, not a lot but a little, into her nightly formula and she turned into the most contented little baby I had ever run across.
My children are now grown and all but 1 out of the house. Jennifer- teen years are very difficult. They are straining at becoming independant and don’t realize that they are not quite ready for that challenge. Be vigilant and active in what they read, who they are friends with and where and what they do. Don’t be afraid to say NO! The trick is to do this without seeming to be doing it. The more they think you are “controlling” the more they will find ways around you. Be honest with them. They will appreciate it in the long run. One of the best moment’s of my life was to hear my daughter say “Thanks, you and dad were right. Thanks for being the parents you are.” This was, of course, told to me after she married and has a child of her own. :)
Thanks, lots of good stuff here. I echo the rest and self-focus that you’ve honed in on. I got lucky with baby # 4 in that I got a night job and could help my wife get good rest. It made a major difference for her. OK, my one bit of parenting advice. What I wished I had learned with Baby #1 instead of Baby #5. I read somewhere that babies less than a year old would spend so many hours a day awake, so many asleep, and so many crying. That’s when I realized: it’s not the diaper, they aren’t hungry, they aren’t uncomfortable. It wasn’t my fault. They are just fulfilling a quota. It’s some kind of union thing. Sometimes you just have to enjoy them even when they are crying.
With 11 kids from 4 - 24, one lesson I’ve learned is “Lower Your Standards” - not in regard to what Jennifer has already mentioned (in particular to keeping your marriage healthy) but forgo the “House Beautiful” attitude for awhile (years, perhaps).
I remember hearing the comment “Better Homes and Gardens?? Well, better than who?” Don’t fall into comparing yourself to anyone. I’ve heard too many new moms complain about how exhausted they were and discovered it was because they felt they had to keep house as if there wasn’t a baby there. No messes, absolutely clean and perfect all the time!! Forget it! If ever you are truly surprised by an unexpected visitor who may be shocked at the condition of the house, you will redeem yourself the moment you hand them your truly beautiful baby (or toddler). One baby smile and a stress-free mom is all it takes for someone (including your spouse or mother-in-law) to forget about the pile of unfolded clothes!
Thank you for the link to at-home date nights. This concept does not get enough credit. We have no disposable income and are homebodies anyway—date night is a stressful hassle for us. But the at-home date, after the children go to bed… that is the poor, young parent’s saving grace. Many of our friends pity us for not “going out,” but we are content with our take out by candle light :)
I also recommend the 7ish bedtime—and regular naps, or as regular as your schedule allows. Yes, a pain when you’re in the 2 nap stretch, but at least for us regular sleep times = happier, less cranky baby and more blogs read, er, chores done, for mom. Also recommend a regular bedtime/naptime routine—read the same book or # of books, sing the same songs, etc, in the same order. Boring as all get-out for you, but it gives the little one a knowledge of what’s coming and what to expect. By now our son generally welcomes going to bed and by step #2 of the routine goes along, even if he was initially reluctant to stop playing—plus we get him down quickly…change into pjs, say night-nights to various people/pictures, brush teeth, then one to two books when I do it, no books and two songs when my husband does.
What a great article! Thank you, Jen. AGREE!
1. grind up a little bit of acidophilus tablet and mix it with breast milk for cranky, gassy babies. (The simethicone in most drops only works in the stomach, not the intestine, where the gas pain is). This gives your baby a little head start on growing good gut bacteria and aiding digestion. (1/4 tablet every other day for a week should be plenty)
2. DO TRY to sleep when the baby sleeps. If you can’t, fine. But don’t be that mother who, as soon as the baby goes down, starts getting all worked up about laundry and cleaning and whatnot. Forget it! If you are too tired, you can’t be a good mom, or wife, or anything else. PERIOD!
3. PUT YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST! When you neglect your husband, it threatens your whole family. Easier said than done, of course, but your husband is there to be your helper too. If he is ignored and feels like just a hired hand, he will be far less motivated to want to help. Not to mention it is wrong.
4. (To repeat Jen’s message) MARRIAGE FIRST! The best way to be a good mother it to be a good wife. (Now - the same is true for husbands, of course. This is a two way street!) But, sadly, I’ve seen too many DISASTERS after women neglect their husband during stressful times and then seem surprised when the husband wants nothing to do with her anymore. They see it as, “What happened? I was there struggling and you didn’t help and now you are gone?” While the man is thinking, “You were a mess, you ignored me completely, then were never happy with my efforts because they were never enough.” Not good.
Sometimes, though, even scheduling at-home date nights can be challenging.
By the time all the kids are in bed, I’m so exhausted all I want to do is go to bed too (I work outside of the home full-time and am up by 5am on weekdays, sometimes earlier, owing to a long commute). It doesn’t help that my husband is a full-time college student in addition to a full-time employee, so he always has homework to do. Still, taking time out to recharge, even if it’s individually, is very important.
Relax and don’t take yourself too seriously. Remember you will not be perfect but you probably won’t mess things up too badly, either. A sense of humor is helpful I recommend watching—regularly—the old comedy tape (probably on DVD by now) of Bill Cosby holding forth on parenting…..
Ummmm….pray. And pray some more. Allow God to take you and form you while straggling across the room to change a diaper at 3.am. From room to room, during daytime hours if that’s what it takes. Don’t wait for the ‘perfect’ time, just don’t ever let go of prayer. And pray out loud while you feed baby because for a very long time, those are the only prayers baby can hear - if you say them for baby! That’s how I finally started to pray a rosary (and I’m sure it was incoherent).
And on the other list of “things no one ever said” - lift weights! Yes, I mean this. Oh sure, you could look good and lose baby weight; who cares about that? You are going to need your core muscles for this job. Be as physically strong as your state in life will allow you; this is hard work!
My husband wants me to add—get the new daddy a protective baseball cup, cuz guess what? Kids like to tackle daddy. They like to roll around on the floor with him, they like to charge at him when he comes through the door (and their hard noggins are all at cup-level). So if you plan on having a BIG family, put THAT in the gift bag with the homemade baby afghan.
Thanks for the great reminders—we’re expecting #3 in about 3-4 weeks now, and I’m in full panic mode (that is, too much to do before baby comes and not.enough.time.). :-)
The only thing I would add is to remember the following: God gave this baby to you and your spouse, and He gave your baby the two of you as parents—NO ONE ELSE. What I mean by that is that nobody knows how to parent your baby better than you. It took me a long time to learn that, despite all the *great* advice I got from my mom and sister. Seriously, they are very good parents, but they didn’t have OUR babies. I honestly believe that God knows your temperments better than anyone and acts accordingly, giving you the baby that suits you as a couple the best. I remember going nuts thinking that I was doing something wrong because my baby wouldn’t sleep as readily as so many other babies I knew, only to discover that baby #1 really didn’t need that much sleep (she still doesn’t) and baby #2 has a food allergy that wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 15 months. Echoing a previous post: trust your gut, you know your baby best.
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One other thing (especially for first-time parents): don’t read so many books. None of the authors know your family, and there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. For many new parents, reading these books sets you up with unrealistic expectations and then you can end up feeling like a failure (especially in the post-partum period). Besides, your baby didn’t read the book—how is he or she supposed to know what to do? ;-)
I feel a little offended that the recommendation is for stay-at-home parents to get some help - as though those of us working parents have a walk in the park. Otherwise, excellent advice with grounded ideas to consider.
The best thing I did for myself when my kids were teeny tiny neonates was to get someone I REALLY trusted—like grandma—to leave the baby with for one night—say, 8pm til 10am—to get a FULL night’s sleep where I could NOT hear the baby crying, because as we all know, unless you have an enormous house, when dad volunteers to take the night shift and you hear him and lil wailing newbie staggering around the kitchen hour after hour you CANNOT rest. Your mom alarm and genetically programmed breasts won’t allow it. If hubby is the ONLY one who can watch the baby, get yourself a hotel room—even the motel 6 if need be, you won’t care—for one good night’s rest where you CANNOT hear the baby, and instructions NOT to call you unless the child is truly ill or the caregiver TRULY desperate (i.e., NOT “where did you leave the measuring scoop for the formula?” at 2 am). Even ONE night of real rest can make a world of difference.
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