I’m an only child. My husband is an only child. My dad is an only child. I grew up around small families: I can’t recall a single friend who had more than two siblings living at home, and none of my close friends ever had a baby in the house during the time I knew them. So the fact that I now have five children ages seven and under sometimes makes me feel like I’m living in a bizarre dream world. If you had told me ten years ago that this is where my life would be in 2012, after I regained consciousness I would have tried to imagine what the average day would look like. And I would have been mostly wrong. In some ways big family life is harder than I would have guessed; in other ways it’s easier. Overall, it’s simply…not what I would have imagined.
I was thinking about this the other day (as I loaded the dishwasher for the second time that morning), and narrowed it down to the top seven things that have been most surprising to me about what it’s actually like to have a big family:
1. The chaos increases gradually
When I first got to know some big families, one of the aspects of their lives that seemed most impossible to me was mealtime. When I was pregnant with our second child I thought of a local family who had five kids, and just about started hyperventilating when I imagined myself trying to cook a dinner for seven people. Now I do it all the time, and it’s really not that big of a deal. Yes, it would have been utterly overwhelming back when I was used to cooking for three, but the additional servings came about gradually, with each child eating only a little more with each passing week. It’s like that in many other areas of life as well: The work has increased, but it’s increased slowly. I once came across a great blog post in which a mother of twelve gave her answer to the frequent question, “How do you do it with all those kids?” Her answer: “One at a time.”
2. Every day is a playdate
With my first child, I was his 24/7 entertainment director. Since I was the only other person in the house with him during the day, I was enlisted into service when it was time to build with blocks, blow bubbles or draw pictures. It was great to enjoy those moments with him, but as we started having more children I worried that I would quickly get stretched too thin—there simply weren’t enough hours in the day for me to do that with multiple children! What I see now is that it’s just a totally different dynamic with a bunch of kids in the house: They’re all so busy playing together, there aren’t even very many opportunities for me to join in when I want to. I still make effort to get regular quality time with each child, but I’m no longer the kids’ only source for daytime entertainment.
3. People want to hang out at your house
I would have guessed that having a large family crammed into a relatively small house would mean that the neighbors would give our home a wide berth. After all, we barely have room for ourselves, let alone guests! To my great surprise, I have found that just the opposite is true. The more kids we have, the more people seem to be attracted to our house. When we hang out in the front yard, the sight of five children running around acts like a tractor beam for the other kids in the neighborhood. I suppose it’s the same mechanism that works with parties: Everyone loves a crowded event, and our house is like a party with a great turnout.
4. You get economies of scale
The cost of having children is not directly proportional to the number of children you have. Kids can share clothes and toys; you get good bang-for-the-buck by buying groceries in bulk; and many places now offer sibling discounts for lessons and activities. Also, you’re highly motivated to find deals and save money. In some areas our household budget has actually decreased from what we spent back when we only had one child, simply because we’re much more serious about frugality now.
5. It’s easier to let your kids find their own paths in life
I think most parents at least occasionally feel the temptation to steer their kids’ lives in a specific direction, regardless of whether it’s a fit for who they are or where God’s calling them (a prime example of this being the fact that so many parents discourage their children from pursuing religious vocations). I still fight the urge to get attached to visions of how each of my kids’ lives will unfold, but I will say that it’s gotten easier as our family grows. Part of it might be practical, in the sense that a larger number of kids means greater odds that at least one of them will be drawn in a direction that really resonated with me. But the biggest factor is simply that each child’s uniqueness in relation to his or her siblings is a new reminder that God has a special plan for each one of us.
6. You can still take vacations
Ten years ago, one of the things that would have frightened me about the prospect of having a big family would have been the difficulty of taking vacations. One of my favorite childhood memories is of a trip my parents and I took to the Cayman Islands when I was ten. We weren’t rich, but we saved up for it, and with only three people we were able to keep costs relatively low. Needless to say, my family of seven isn’t going to the Caymans any time soon, but I’ve found that there are plenty of neat vacation opportunities that are more big-family-friendly. Going back to point #2, even a trip to a nearby rented lakehouse can be tons of fun when you have a bunch of people. I know big families that have a blast on low-cost trips like camping or even just following local hiking trails. Maybe exotic vacations involving air travel are hard to come by, but there are still plenty of fun experience to be had—and lots of people to share them with.
7. You get used to the noise. (Sort of.)
I was raised in an environment that was like a library, but not so loud. When the cat let out an occasional meow, it was like a grating alert siren compared to the silence that had preceded it. Given this background, nothing could have been less familiar to me than the chaos that comes with a house full of young children. When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I visited some friends who had two children and the noise just about gave me a migraine. The whole car ride back I said over and over again that I could never deal with that. Fast forward eight years, and now I live in an environment that occasionally mimics what you’d see if someone gave espresso to the howler monkeys at the zoo. You’d think I would have snapped by this point, but I am shocked to report that I’m mostly used to it. Per #1, the noise increases gradually as the family grows, so it’s not like you wake up one day and suddenly feel like you’re part of some scientific experiment involving the endurance of the human eardrum. I still have moments where I scream over the screaming that I cannot take this racket anymore, but for the most part I’ve learned to take it in stride—and it helps that those little noisemakers also happen to be my favorite people in the world.
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Needless to say, happy families come in all sizes. I had a great childhood as an only child, and my kids are (hopefully) having great childhoods here in our crowded house. But perhaps because of my own background, or because of the modern cultural climate, I am always surprised that this works. I keep expecting for it all to fall apart, and for everyone to be miserable because we have too many kids. Yet that’s never happened; and, in fact, I continue to be surprised by the number of hidden blessings that come with life in a big family.
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Other advantages:
1. Free parenting lessons. Older kids learn to diaper younger siblings. Younger kids learn to diaper nieces and nephews.
2. When they are grown, they will always have friends (siblings) to hang with.
3. Large holiday gatherings, while a logistical challenge, spread the stress of holiday expectations around. One parent or one child is no longer responsible for fulfilling someone’s Christmas fantasy.
4. You always have enough people to cast for a family play or video.
From a father of 6, grandfather of 7 and counting.
My husband and I have seven children ages 12 and under. I have noticed two things that are really interesting:
First, most of the children who befriend my kids are only children. I wonder if it is that “opposites attract” rule, or just the consequence of diminishing families?
Second, and this one is sad, most are the product of a single-parent home. This is unusual because in our school, single parents are a small minority. It makes me cringe because I see these kids longing for something they don’t have. Makes you wonder what the long-term toll of divorce will be on our future. (BTW- I am not judging or criticizing single parents, but obviously it is not ideal for anyone)
8. The Return and Rebound of All Things Good
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With 11 children from 24-4, we are now going through the wonderful rebound of movies, books and activities w/ our younger ones that we loved with our older ones. On our movie night, the younger ones are currently discovering the older, more obscure Disney movies such as Swiss Family Robinson, The Rescuers and The Great Mouse Detective. The older ones still at home have forgotten them, and if they are within range of the TV, they quickly join us with “I remember THIS!”
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The same is true of books such as the Mitchell Family books by Hilda Von Stockum. I read them aloud to the older ones, years and years ago and now it is the younger ones turn. With these, I am the one with the flashbacks of when I read these back when I ‘only had’ five.
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A large family stretches out these simple activities much longer BUT there can be a downside - my four year old knows the word ‘zombie’ (a small gift from my 20 yr. old son). We are very careful about what everyone watches but the conversations the older ones have can be a different matter all together and the younger ones vocabulary is more broad as a result.
As an only child of an only child, who “rebelled” and has five kids (5-16), I completely agree! Thank you for putting it into writing. I never would have guessed how manageable, and enjoyable, it all could be!
For me, the hardest transition was going from one child to two was the most difficult. After I had 3 kids, an additional child was a barely a blip on the radar screen in terms of my sanity. My oldest is 15 now and I will say though that the two most difficult things with lots of kids are 1)money, not so much for special things like vacations, but for everyday things like braces and piano lessons and sports physicals and then, of course, there’s the driving, which doesn’t really kick in until your oldest child is somewhere between 8 and 10. What a blessing it is when the older kids are finally able to stay home with the younger ones while you cart their sibling off to a game or practice.
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In fact, the biggest shock to myself from 20 years ago would be that I cannot wait until my older kids start driving. Not only am I 15 months away from having my oldest drive herself to and from dance practices and competitions, I am 14 months away from having her drop off her little brothers at baseball and soccer practice. We are seriously thinking of getting my husband a new car and giving her his old one for her 16th birthday. An unthinkable thought not that long ago.
I agree with this 100%. We are expecting our tenth child this summer, and our oldest is 19. My experience is that things got harder until about child number 4, and then in some ways it got easier as the others came along. Ironically, we struggled much more at church with two little ones than we do now. We have a team of built in baby sitters now too, and my wife and I can get away for an evening just about any time we want to. Our children are each others play mates, and they are never lonely. Also, for years I wanted to form a Christian band, and eventually gave up trying to find other like-minded musicians. Now my children are all musicians or learning instruments, and we have a traveling family band that plays about 40 events each year around a three-state region.
My first baby is almost due. At 32, I am a little set in my ways and I am nervous about what I can handle with all the impending changes. This was great to read this morning. Gotta remember they start off small and you add them one at a time…most of the time :)
I am also an only child (my mom wanted to have more than one, but could not due to fertility issues), but would like a large family. My husband is one of five, and it just seems so fun and joyful.
Oh, and I wanted to add, the woman whose blog you linked to, has 13 children, not 12 =)
My husband was an only child, I came from a large family. Everyone has something to learn when it is your OWN family.
Amen! I grew up in a family of seven. God has indeed blessed every one of us.
I only have one child (not by my choice). I appreciate that there are advantages to all family sizes, and I also appreciate that this article and the subsequent comments are celebrating large families without putting down small families.
My brother & sister-in-law have 9 kids. To get a peek at how they do things in a large Catholic household from home schooling class to health & fitness - check out the website http:///www.9kidfitness.com
They are truly amazing parents. At times there chaos reigns but I couldn’t imagine it being anything different from what it is - which is a house full of family and love.
As a proud father of nine, large families simply create many fond memories and are like little “pieces of heaven!”
I’m the second of five children, with a 5 month old son who I hope will be the first of many. I think it was Jennifer that wrote the blog about how it is harder being a parent of one than it is for multiple children. I had forgotten about this. Number (2) brought back to me all the games my siblings and I made up to play together. From playing “House”, “Traffic” [riding bikes in circles with one person acting as the stoplight], and “Cars” [where we used chocolate coin wrappers as currency as we bought and sold toy cars from each other]. My parents didn’t have to keep us entertained. We entertained ourselves!
Whew… gotta hurry up and have more kids!
While we totally love our family life with 5 kids, my wife and I have the opposite experience: I’m the 7th of 9, and my wife is the oldest of 11. 5 seems like nothing. In fact, when our oldest left for college, dinner time seemed almost vacant, with ‘only’ 6 of us around the table.
Concur with the ‘our house is the party house’ - it’s not unusual to find 1/2 a dozen kids above and beyond ours sprawled across the living room. My wife and I talk about Tolkien’s House of Lost Play - that’s what we want to be, especially since the kids who most hang out with us are the ones most in need of some semblance of stable family life - divorce, separation, and just general chaos prevail in their families.
“When the cat let out an occasional meow, it was like a grating alert siren…”
I almost spit my tea out all over my cat. He’s in my lap. My (one) child is taking her nap. It’s so nice and quiet right now….
With adoptions we went from one child to seven in the space of two weeks.
Democracy in the family went out the window. It needed a strong leader, and that was what I got to be. The crew appreciated it too. It changed us a bunch. And it is true that other kids liked to hang out at our house. Even Mormon missionaries came to the house (not to evangelize3, but for a break). The fact that the group included three astonishingly good-looking teen females did not hurt either.
Together with her, mine and ours, we claim 11 children. Some of them even send us money.
>2. When they are grown, they will always have friends (siblings) to >hang with.
That is, if they can stand each other’s company. Some of my relatives have stopped speaking to various siblings for years.
My mother was an only, precisely because her mom hated the noise and chaos produced by her six younger siblings. ( “More kids ? No way ! I was sick of changing diapers before I even got married !)
I had 6 under 6 & 10 living children under 14! Gr8 fun!
Check out my blog
Heart Speaks Unto Heart
http://jacquelineparkes.blogspot.com/
I am the youngest of 7 children, raised by a mom and dad who both were members of large, Depression-era families. My parents knew how to plant a large garden, buy in bulk, and still have a bit left over for a rainy day. We didn’t have much, but we didn’t really do without anything important. As my oldest brother put it, “We were poor but we didn’t know it.” We all learned how to share, how to assess “needs” vs. “wants,” and how to improvise. And I love my family.
Father of 13. We were poor, although I always worked. “How can you support all those kids? What about college?”
One’s still in high school, 2 in college, the rest have graduated. 3 masters degrees so far. One is a rocket scientist, another a midwife, couple of teachers, a finance worker, civil engineer, dental hygeinist, yoga studio owner, one a hopeful artist.
Great article, Jennifer.
I guess it may be related to the type of forum you tap into—but at least in the ones that I visit, there are ten happy memory comments for every one “I hated coming from a big family” comment. I’m one of seven, and the mother of eleven—and wouldn’t trade the controlled chaos of my life for anything. I will look back in my old age with no regrets.
Hi Jennifer! I just happened to check my old blog today after a reader left a comment I had to approve.. and discovered I had 250plus people visit my blog today… so I followed a link back to YOU! Thank you for linking back… Today I blog at ourbakersdozen.wordpress.com as we received our 13 blessing since I originally wrote that article for CCL.
I LOVED your article. I remember those early days like it was yesterday that I cringed in fear at the idea of more than three, and even after our 7th - I laughed when our (Catholic) OBGN talked about how young I was and how many MORE babies I would have! I thought - she’s crazy, 7 is plenty - maybe one more… Well - when you leave your life (and fertility) in the hands of God, He does wondrous and beautiful things, even if unexpected!
Thank you again for linking back to that (ancient) article!
Blessings
Christi - now abakersdozen!
I have six siblings and (I am the third of seven), if I end up becoming a mother I hope to have four kids at least. My day would be way too empty if I didn’t spend it watching/cleaning up after/playing with my siblings. But having one kid or one sibling would mean doing it alone, the idea of having only one kid scares me!
I’m the youngest of 8. I remember a reading study that said that your siblings have a greater effect on your development than your parents or even your peers. I think that’s true. My mom recently died and my dad has been gone about 5 years. There is no one who will know your history and what it was like to grow up than your siblings. There are things about my parents only my older brothers and sisters remember and experienced. There are things that living alone with mom and dad for several years after everyone else had begun careers and families that only I will know, but all together, there is such a rich and complete history of my parent’s lives. I find it particularly comforting at this time as we share memories. This is something that your children will truly appreciate when they get older.
#3 may very well be the reason we have 13 children ourselves. When my husband was growing up, his family knew two other families throughout his childhood that had 12 children each. He said it was like going to Disney World whenever they visited them. Every kid had someone his age to play with, and you were NEVER bored. He wanted our kids to grow up with that!
#7 Even with 13 children I have a VERY LOW tolerance for noise. As a result, our children have learned that you NEVER raise your voice when standing DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MOM. Or in the same room. Or in the adjacent room. They must learn from age 11 months that only a sweet soft voice is acceptable inside the house.
Outside—anything goes.
Ah, yes. You are right, Karyn. In addition, there are so many things that adults just plain aren’t as capable of noticing. Also, it gives the kids both more power (streanth in numbers) and more dicipline (more older sibling to watch you, and more responsibility for older siblings) Equality? In my family we know full well that if we all want something, the person to send to ask is the oldest, and if we all want to ensure that something dosen’t happen, send ME to pretend that I want it. For example, I begged for a dog for years(before I caught on that I wasn’t the persuasive one), then my oldest brother, who was going to leave soon and couldn’t take a dog with him anyhow asked for one and we got it a couple weeks later.
Great post. I’m oldest of nine, wife is oldest of five. We have six, but what really surprises people is when we tell them they range in age from 28 down to six. Can’t imagine it any other way. Another surprise is hearing others, especially moms whith the one, two or at the most three being so envious they did not have more, but have gone down the sterilization path. Very sad. I’ve starting to respond to people when they ask how we manage to have six; simply saying ‘very well, thank you’.
I never knew I would have a large family. I always said 2 or 4 but no more! Well, I’m now pregnant with my 7th! I’m a homeschooling mamma and we have such busy days but wonderful days. By no means am I’m organized but we work hard. I had only 2 sisters and we were never close. I love having all these kids and seeing the friendships that have developed. My work is hard but I go to bed with a smile on my face because they are all mine. :) http://amazingsix.blogspot.com
Loved this and can relate! I had two sisters, dh had one brother and we are expecting #8 this spring :). All of these points are true and so many more - i love the bonds between siblings, how the older ones stay softer longer, the whole gestalt of it. I had no idea how much fun this would be :)
Mom of 21-I loved all the great comments regarding large families. We don’t get many negative comments any more, but I remember the days that we did, and it hurt. No, large families aren’t for everyone but I always say-if I am not asking you for money or for you to babysit you have no right to comment on my family size : )
Well, put indeed. As the mother of 7 children, 7 in-law children and 16 grandchildren I echo your claims that a little at a time works out just fine. And the most wonderful thing is that our adult children still enjoy each other’s company and still enjoy “playing together.” So we all love opportunities to go to family weddings, etc and to stay at motels with rooms that include kitchens… We eat the hotel breakfast and let all the grandchildren catch up with each other…eat lunch on our own and then do community dinners either at restaurants or pot luck’s in a motel conference room. This way, the in-law kids can withdraw and go to their rooms when they have had enough “togetherness.” We are amazingly blessed even now…and this all began in 1962.
It gave me pleasure to see Rachel W mention the series by my mother (Hilda van Stockum), “The Mitchells”, about her own six children during World War II Washington and then in Montreal. Bethlehem Books has been successfully publishing the series (originally published by Viking) for 15 years. The eldest child in the series, Joan Mitchell, portrays my sister Olga. As evidence of the ability of a large family to allow a wide scope in careers for its children, Olga went off to Kenya to create many schools for girls - in 1960, before independence. She made a lot of friends quickly and especially in the Luo tribe, which is largely Catholic although with an Islamic minority that included Barack Obama Sr. I wonder how many parents of an only child would enthusiastically support their children becoming a citizen of a country thousands of miles away? Not to mention that in 1960 the papers were full of stories of Mau Mau terrorists… It wasn’t easy for my mother or father (or indeed her siblings) to accept the implications of her choice of career, but it would have been much harder for them if she had been an only child. Olga’s life story has been published as “To Africa with a Dream”. She was awarded an honorary doctorate last year by Strathmore University in Nairobi - the first woman to be so honored.
I have four kids and am so glad they are good friends to each other right now. However, regarding #2…you can’t guarantee (to yourself or your kids) that they will be good friends later on. My husband is one of seven kids. He’s the youngest son. He rarely speaks to any of his siblings, partly because several have fallen so far from the faith that it is painful to speak to them. Also, they show little interest in our kids or spending time with us as a family.
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It’s a fact of life that all your kids are individuals and they may grow up to be so different from each other, that they may not get along. All you can do is, as they grow up, foster a sense of comraderie and family, and impress upon them that as a family, we’re a team and work together. I grew up in a family that encouraged teasing as a way to “toughen each other up” and I do not tolerate teasing at all among our kids, which has gone a long way towards improving sibling relations, I think.
I thoroughly enjoyed this article! My husband and I have been blessed through IVF. We have twin girls that are turning 1 in two weeks. We have 7 “frozen babies” (3 blastocysts and 4 zygotes) that I long to give birth to. My husband says we can’t afford anymore right now. I want to be a stay at home mom to all my kids. I’m praying that God will provide a way for us to have the rest of our family. I think of our babies everyday and wish we could be together. I WANT a big family! This article and these comments have been SUCH an encouragement. I would love to hear from more people with big families!!!!
I am one of six. After marriage and moving into an apartment, I had a terrible time adjusting to all the quiet!
Thanks for sharing this look at living the large family life! I didn’t know many children with 3 or more siblings when I was growing up. Now, one of our best friends is from a family of seven, and with that many around the table, you’d think that would make their gatherings cramped, perhaps more exclusive, but it’s just the opposite. They’ve opened their hearts and homes to my husband and me, adopting us as members of the clan. What a blessing indeed!
Rigel, if your husband doesn’t eventually agree to let your remaining embryos be transferred, I hope you’ll consider letting others adopt them so they’ll have a chance at life. I’ve heard of a program (I think it’s called Snowflake) that facilitates this.
I miss the noise SOOOOO MUCH!!! I’m tearing up as I write this. My six children are grown and gone. We had the best dinner time “conversations.”
I beg them to let me have the grandchildren overnight - even though that means 4 children under the age of six, two in diapers….. I thank god very day for them.
God, not"god” - very unintentional typo!!!!
Welcome to parenthood, Elby! I was 35 when I finally was able to have our first and we have four - 17, 14, 12 and 10. Glad we were able to do it and I look back and think I didn’t realize how quiet and unsettling my life was before children. Now I have quiet moments and treasure them, knowing the noise and happiness will be home soon.
Great post! Except for the fact that neither myself nor my husband were only children, I find that your story and mine have a lot of similarities. I may never have imagined 5 kids in the span of 7 years, but I wouldn’t change a thing. But I must admit that when I look back to when I would walk my oldest to first grade, with two in the double stroller, one in a backpack carrier and one on the way, I don’t recall exactly how I managed to maintain my sanity and, of course, my sense of humor. But somehow we get through and only recall all the joy that big families bring.
I loved this! As a mom of four ages 22-17, I have been blessed in more way than I could have ever imagined. We entered The Church last Easter & what a joy it is to see my two sons discerning priesthood/religious life as one is at Thomas More College in NH and one is at home serving at Mass every chance he gets while the girls look forward to getting married and giving me grandbabies one of these days!!
It’s been a hard thing for me to know if we would have become Catholic earlier we would probably have a larger family, but since I have the great joy of teaching fencing, I can use my “mom-ness” with all my students. It helps me to expand my “family”!!
I live on a big, rural, Spanish style property with 14 “kids”, ages 3 to 24. There are three residences, my parents, my sisters’ family, and mine. In the summer, my other sister and brother-in-law come from their desert home with THEIR 7 kids. My brother’s kids come over the mountain all the time to “join up” with the others. There is a pool, and the beach, down the road. The younger ones have forts, pets, bikes, skateboards, scooters, swings…the older ones, have their own “fort” at the end of the property, on and island in the lake, and stage epic bonfires at the beach. Most of them surf, kayak and body surf. They sneak into the club and go hot tubbing at midnight. My 12 y.o. and his 11 y.o. cousin got to help wrangle a sea lion with a park ranger last year. So why am I telling you all this? Because when my husband lost his job I was devastated. We had to leave the beautiful place we had called home for almost 12 years. I sort of felt like a “sister wife” moving into the family compound, lol. (believe it or not, my “bedroom” is a converted “chapel” complete with cupola and altar—soooo Garcia Marquez) Seriously? My life is so simple now. My kids are happy and have tons of fun. My sister, my Mom and I help each other and each others’ kids all the time (driving, cooking, group lessons…) My need to “go home” and be sophisticated (ha ha, hard to do anyhow when you have 8 kids)is slowly fading away. Everyone at the beach knows we’re “that big family”—do you have to guess where their kids are hanging out? Yes, they ask us if we’re Catholic or Mormon. Why do I even have the time to write this? “Mum” (grandma and matriarch) threw a big party for the most LOVED three-year-old on the planet last night(my daughter Charlotte)and there are plenty of leftovers. Family compound, quite the concept. YES big family!!!
The absolute best part of my life was growing up in a big family. My mom and dad had 12 kids; I was #10. They began giving birth in 1940 and finished up in 1962. Needless to say, their stirpes numbers over a hundred now. Regardless of any outcome in my adult life, wealth, family, children; nothing rivals the joy and richness that overflowed the walls of that plain country home, that we now reminiscence and cherish in our hearts.
AMEN! Growing up in a big family is the best thing that ever happened to me! I am the second oldest of 12 and my Mother is pregnant with #13. My husband is one of eight and both of his parents are one of nine!
Being a big sister to 10 other kids is such an honor. We all learned at a young age to share, change diapers, make bread, do laundry, be responsible for ourselves and what was ours. There are still 10 kids at home with another on the way, and they are all so close and happy.
Whether its one sibling or 20, children need a companion in a sibling growing up. They need to learn the values of selflessness, charity and patience. No joking, the selfish, self-centered, greedy sibling is the most unpleasant person to be around. Whether a child has one or more siblings, it is important to remind them that their sibling is their best friend.
Because of the skills I learned at a young age till i moved out, I am confident enough to be a Mom. I cannot wait to be one. My parents were amazing at what they taught us, not only by example, but by the simplest things, like waking up at 5 in the morning for a week to pray the rosary to learn self-discipline.
A huge thank you goes out to all of the moms out there who give life and nurture!
A great family man I deeply admire once commented, “Within the family, a joy shared is a joy doubled, a trouble shared is a trouble halved”. Having 7 children(0-14yrs) I completely agree with him and Jennifer!
As mother of a homeschooling family of 7 children and myself #4 out of 7 brothers and sisters - I LOVED this article! Thank you Jennifer!
I’d also like to add that it makes a huge difference if you homeschool. Like I said I was #4 out of 7 and I barely knew most of my bros and sis’. It wasn’t until we were all adults that we developed any type of relationship because of being separated by grade and school.
I believe my children are so much closer to each other because they share the same classroom, books and teacher!
Not all of us were as blessed as those of you cheering about all of this…I’m so tired of having to feel bad about only having one child. I can’t have anymore or I would…can we just leave this subject alone and be thankful for the child (or children) that we have?
Daniela, this is a story about large families, It’s nice to have a good thing written about people like us. I have heard nasty comments for the last 20 years about how many kids we have, it’s really nice to be recognised. I am thankful for how many we have, and I would be just as thankful if I had just one. No one here has said anything at all bad or guilt filled about having just one child. I would respectfully suggest that if stories like this bother you so much, to not read them.
Many of my friends have only a few children because they couldn’t have more, but they don’t try and make me feel guilty for having so many, nor do I make them feel guilty.
You can adopt or foster if you really wanted to have more. Just like I would have done if I wanted more but couldn’t have them.
We also sponsor children through CFCA, have you thought of that?
God Bless!
Thank you Karen for saying that. We get insulted and put down waaaay more for having large families so any encouragement we just drink up like crazy. It’s not fair to say we should just stay in the quiet and not get any encouragement for fear we might be hurting someone else’s feelings. It anything, Daniela, please understand that we need articles like this. It feeds the soul when we live in a world of large family haters. Sometimes, this is all we get. THAT’S why there are so many comments on here. We are all so excited to read an article like this
Daniela, I only have one child. Well, I have three biological children in Heaven, who were miscarried, and one adopted child here on earth. This article does not offend me. It is not putting down small families, or trying to make anyone feel bad, or saying that large families are superior. I am very sensitive to comments about big families being superior, and I do see them from time to time, but there aren’t any here. I freely admit that it would be nice to see more articles about small families, as well as infertility and miscarriage, in Catholic circles. But that doesn’t mean that people with large families don’t have the right to rejoice in the blessings that they bring. I would have liked to have had more children. But I can certainly appreciate the blessings of a small family, such as the one-on-one time I have with my son, which I find to be a huge gift.
I loved the story and the comments. For any of you with large families who have received negative comments I would like to share a true story. A mother of 5, and planning to have more, was grocery shopping with her young children. At the check out the cashier said in a rather derogatory tone: “Are those all yours?”. The young mother looked around and then responded: “Yes, it’s good start!”. The cashier was needless to say ‘speechless’ as the mother completely disarmed her remark.
I remember reading an economist state that household expenses increase with the square root of the number of people. So two canNOT live as cheaply as one, but about 1.4 times as much as one. Four would be twice as much as one, and nine three times as much as one.
I’ve never lived by myself so I can’t say how accurate it is, but I know that we’ve added 5 kids since we moved into this house. The amount of water has only recently started going up, and the same with the amount of electricity consumed. Mortgage payment, heating, phone, cable, internet, property tax - all unaffected by the # of people in the house. For us, the “family rate” for health insurance is the same for 1 kid or twenty - I know not everyone is so lucky. We’re still using the original crib, stroller, and changing table, we still have only 2 cars and 2 insured drivers. I’m not driving much more (gasoline) as I do my best to schedule multiple children at a time in activities, and for multiple students, people are willing to come to us.
We hand down clothes although younger kids usually get a couple of new outfits;, plus pieces bought as matching sets; personalized, handmade clothing from Grandma; etc. Clothing additional children is nowhere near as expensive as clothing the first. More children = more copayments at the doctor, but that’s not actually that much compared to other expenses - but it does cluster as they all get sick at the same time.
So the biggest differences are food and lessons. We do more than 50% of our grocery shopping at the warehouse store so that helps - yes we will use it before it goes bad : ) The piano teacher does give a multi-student discount (instituted just for us), but piano lessons are costing more than our last car payment. On the other hand, I spend a lot more time each day listening to kids play the piano than I spend in my car (10-15 min in the car; 1-2 hours piano).
While I’m not looking forward to college expenses, the parents’ expected contribution is divided by the number of kids currently in college - so if you want more than one, space them close : )
Some people chose no or one child for good reasons; some people are incapable of having the number they want. But if you want more, but are worried about the costs, it may not be as bad as you think.
What if any of your children were like me—and atheist pest? Or if some of your children are gay? Here’s a twitter you account you might like:
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http://twitter.com/#!/homophobes
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And, Claire, I am one of a family of ten.
Angela, What if my child was gay or an atheist? Would that make them any less my child? No.
Would I hope that I brought them up better than to post off topic nonsense online, accusing people that they don’t even know of being homophobes? Yes.
I had a child who was an atheist and now he is a Catholic priest… NOTHING is impossible with God!
We have five children, all grown. We took them all away with their families. 16 in all, for a week. I cooked, did laundry, cleaned up, held grandchildren and was never happier. To have them together again with us was heaven.
They have truly been our greatest treasure.
Big families, God’s gift to us.
Dear Angela,
I don’t know why that totally won me over, but you’re stuck with me now. I have a mad fifteen-year-old, who has the soul of a 40-year-old (He didn’t want to move away from Northern California) He’s a bit cynical lately. The last time he did something awful, rather than losing his “gaming” rights that weekend, he agreed to giving me three hugs a day in perpetuity. Lol, I just remembered, he hasn’t lived up to his promise in a couple of days. I’ll get him when he gets home!!!
Wat a great, uplifting article! I have 3 girls 3 and under and I can definitely relate to the first four points (for now at least). This third girl has been a picnic - we are reusing cloth diapers, clothes, most of our baby gear. I find it amazing that the few things I have needed for this baby I was either able to acquire from friends who are done having kids or from Craigslist.
I’d also like to make an interesting point: I still have yet to meet an unhappy large family. We have met a LOT of large families in the past 5 years and each one just has this overflowing joy to it. If someone would have told me that I would have gotten married at 21 and had 3 kids by 25 I would have laughed at them - and yet here I am and I am happy. God is so good!
My dad always wanted more kids, and my grandparents (who had 4 in newly communist Cuba) always wanted more. I’ve also never met a large family that regretted any of their children (even children who are homosexual and have become atheists). You can’t control what your adult children do but you can still love them. Just look at my parents. I was terrified to tell them that I was prego with #3 and my mom was not initially supportive, but lo and behold 8 months later look who’s in love with their third granddaughter. :)
Susan—maybe your son likes the sex!
Okay, here we go again. For those of you who have never yet experienced Angela: she is a troll who is obsessed with hurling insults on NCR articles. She is actually more than one person; she’s one of several college students who post on these articles from the same computer. Her/their self-admitted goal is to “agitate” and to “take us down”. In addition to her obsession with the NCR, she is also obsessed with sex. Please be aware of this if you choose to respond to her juvenile comments.
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~ D. Dale Gulledge
Susan—or maybe he didn’t like the sex. Strange either way.
Claire, Thank you!
You have to admit that choosing to become a priest involves a sexual choice. He may have been and atheist, but was/is he gay?
My husband and I have 7. I was the 4th of 7 and my Dad was the oldest of 7. I always loved being around big families and am very grateful to have one. Small families are the norm here in Chevy Chase,MD but people are fascinated with our large brood. As someone else commented, a lot of people have told us they wish they had had more children. My husband trained as a pediatrician and I was a pediatric nurse and it helped a lot with any medical problems or questions that came up. My regret? That we didn’t have more. I think that Angela secretly wishes she was Catholic
Margaret—FU!
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This article is not about the joys of large families, so much as the opposition of family planning and contraception. Jennifer’s blogs are trending toward the joys of sex without contraception, including the joys of a great number of kids.
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The issue is whether a person can use contraception an still be worthy of communion (if not subject to direct excommunication if s/he does not confess and repent); and if someone who believes contraception is evil should be “excused” from the “paying for the sexual sins” of “not true Catholics.” This article is a pretense to justify the Catholic doctrine on this issue. The other post about what to do about doubt is another piece of propaganda to get Catholics to stop thinking for themselves.
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You are being instructed to do nothing “pray” instead of making your own decisions.
Angela, what the heck? You are a straaaaange lady. I think you need another hobby. This article IS about the joys of having a large family. Your mind is so odd. Seriously.
Anyway, I’m 31 weeks with our 7th and love having a larger than normal family. It sure brings strange comments from people but I just have to brush them off. Visit my blog sometime! http://amazingsix.blogspot.com
Angela is not from a family of 10. She’s way too hostile. Kids from EVERY big family I met are much kinder and centered. A lot of brothers and sisters keep you from being so creepy and perverted.
Jennifer, I love your articles.
Virginia, I visited your blog. Your family is really beautiful. You are very organized to homeschool your young family. I hope that you are feeling well with your pregnancy. Enjoy this special time when the kids are young;actually your pictures show how happy you are. It goes so fast.My youngest is 11 yrs. and my daughter noticed that he is now taller than I am. I have 4 girls and 3 boys. We have had them all in wonderful Catholic schools. Our oldest graduates from college in May and 3 will start college in September! Teenagers and young adults are challenging. My husband and I miss the time when they were all really little. My best to you and your husband.
Thank you so much Margaret! That’s funny because this will make it 4 boys and 3 girls for me. Thank you for visiting my blog. :D I get sad thinking about the kids growing up way too fast. Sigh. I tell them to slow down and stay my babies for a little bit longer but they don’t listen. lol.
I love this post. We only have three kids and honestly, we both want more but we’re not financially prepared for more at the moment. I’m in ROTC and my wonderful husband has said that he wants at least one more pregnancy. We already have a set of twins and are hoping for another, but are waiting until I’m established in the Army as an officer. My husband has agreed that he’d be the one doing most (if not all) the baby work but we’re going to make it work. We’ve both always wanted a large family!
As a mother of five under 7 myself and the youngest of 16 children, I have to say, I agree with everything you say here. It’s all true. My husband, who had only one younger brother, would agree even more than I, I think, because he has actually lived this. He never knew he would actually have five kids, let alone five kids “so close”, and yet, with each baby, everything sort of evened itself out, until the next one came along. Wonderful article!
Loved this article!! So true!! It brought tears to my eyes as it proclaimed my dream for a large family. My husband and I are pregnant with our first and long for the chaos (it’s soo quiet in our house, I have to turn music on to be productive). We are both the oldest of happy families of 6 and our best friends are our siblings even though most aren’t even through High School yet.
Growing up and going to college,especially after taking a women’s studies course,I had no intention of ever marrying or having children. I have now been married for over 22 years and have six children and would welcome more. They are the greatest joy and blessing of my life- even the one with special needs.
So glad to have stumbled upon this article! My two girls are crying away right now… we’re attempting to teach them to fall asleep at the same time in the same room! This is a good reminder that it’s bound to get easier.
How in the world do you manage activities and the like? My parent’s didn’t want to shuffle me back and forth from Taekwondo two nights a week. And that was just me. Yet, from what I’ve read, most kids are involved in some sort of after school activities.
My one negative observation of large families, is that although it really doesn’t seem inconvenient for them to go places (like restaurants), it always seems annoying for everyone else.
@carriekwi
I wonder if the reason only-children gravitate toward your family is because they don’t have siblings of their own to play with-or rather that the children with siblings DO have the other people.
@April - Why in the world would my large family annoy everyone else? When we go out for dinner as a family we get tons of comment - like, “What a nice family” and “Your kids are so well behaved” and “I wish we could have had more kids” and “Thank you so much for coming” and “It’s so nice to see such happy kids”
I have never ever EVER had a bad comment.
So are you saying that the other guests are inwardly seething with annoyance?
I think that you’ll find that 80% of all large families have better than average manners.
This is a great article! I’m a senior in high school writing a process essay for an AP class and I decided on “How to survive in a family of nine” for my topic. Browsing for some humorous things that maybe I haven’t remembered (it just becomes the norm, you know) and came upon this -so glad I did! Big families are such a blessing! Love #5, that’s such a great attitude for parents to have. It’s very liberating and encouraging, as a child, to not have pressure of being placed in this mold of who your parents want you to be. So much easier to pursue - and excel - in your passions and strengths. Thanks!
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