A friend of mine worried to me many years ago that his wife was hanging out with a woman who’d recently been divorced. He said he believed that their friendship was having a negative effect on his marriage. At the time I didn’t see how that could be but it seems I was wrong. My friend’s wife left him within that year.
That’s purely anecdotal I know but now there are scientists now saying divorce leads to more divorce.
Scientific research coming out of Brown University studied the marriages of 12,000 people and discovered “divorce clusters” and have concluded that if a friend of yours divorces the chances of you getting a divorce increase by 75 percent.
The researchers even concluded that even the divorce of a friend of a friend increases your likelihood of a divorce by a third.
Daily Mail reports:
The researchers describe the effect as ‘divorce clustering’ - and believe that break-ups within friendship groups force couples to start questioning their own relationships.
They say that a friend’s divorce can also reduce the social stigma of splitting up, even when children are involved.
As a culture we don’t seem to take marriage all that seriously anymore. But let’s face it we don’t take others in general very seriously anymore. We worry about ourselves a lot more than we worry about helping others. In bookstores I typically see a lot more people in the “Self-help” section than the Christianity section.
Divorce is a disaster, especially for children involved. Maybe before considering getting married or getting a divorce we should consider our family, our friends, and yes, even friends of friends. We do not live on islands. We are all connected and touch each other’s lives in more ways than we’ll ever know.
When I take my five children anywhere I try to make sure that we are all on our best behavior. All of us. Not just the kids. I try to make sure that I appear calm and smile as often as I can. Why? Firstly, I believe my kids take comfort in a smiling and calm Dad but also I don’t ever want to be an excuse someone uses to not have more children. I don’t want someone pointing to a harried me chasing after a screaming child as a reason to not have children.
As John Donne wrote that “No man is an island” we all know we affect each other with our decisions. Just about every decision is a moral one whether we like it or not. We are responsible for each other. It is an awesome and frightening prospect - kinda’ like marriage.
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Excellent point about setting a good example by worrying about appearance. It may seem wrong to many to worry about what other people think of you in public, but appearances do matter.
In your example, you may be perfectly accepting of the fact that having five children means that there will be some moments of drama, but—as you note—others will be less accepting and will use those moments as an argument against having children, even though that discounts all the joys and spiritual benefits children provide. So WORKING at being calm and joyful provides two benefits—it is good practice to concentrate on how we want to be, and it projects a good image of what fatherhood (or motherhood) can be.
Similarly, I work hard at never participating in “spouse grousing”, when people in a group (at work or organizational meetings or other situations where spouses usually aren’t present) start to subtly put-down their spouses. Yes, we all have points of friction with our spouses, but realistically many of them are OUR problem, and none of them should be fodder for public discussion. This kind of dissension can lead to devaluing the relationship, as well as bonding with opposite-sex co-workers or friends…and we know where that can lead.
Excellent insights!
I completely agree with this article from a personal standpoint. It was not until my Sister-In-Law & then Brother-In-Law got divorced that my ex-husband started believing that perhaps our children could stand a divorce as well. We too were divorced within a couple years ourselves.
Keep talking about the hard truths! I commend you.
I think the “spouse grousing” Bob mentioned might be the germs that spread the contagion. When a couple divorces you typically get a heightened amount of this activity from one or both of them about little things that otherwise would be overlooked or forgiven. You also get a lot of sympathetic “you shouldn’t have to put up with that” comments from well intentioned souls.
Other people hear things that they’ve come to accept from their spouse becoming something that everyone condemns and “no reasonable person would put up with.” They then see the divorced party so “happy it’s all over” and hear only “how much better they are now.” It becomes not only conceivable to divorce, but almost unreasonable not to.
I agree about not scandalizing others and causing them to sin. But more importantly is the need to be scandal-proof. One must be able to stand on his principles and faith regardless of what others do. The domino effect presented in the article highlights a deeper and more serious problem that people are not solid in their faith and not mature enough to have the courage of their convictions. (http://www.divine-ripples.blogspot.com/)
If divorce is contagious then aren’t good marriages also? Making sure to you are surrounded by couples committed to marriage (even when it means getting counseling when things get bad), is important. We make sure to ensure our kids are playing with good kids from good families - are we making sure we are doing that for ourselves? Granted, we can’t change our siblings and family members, but we do have choices in our friends. Making sure to be surrounded by people who value marriage as highly as you do, who see it as the sacrament it is can make a real difference. We all go through ups and downs in marriage - having friends who will help hold you up during a ‘down’ period can make all the difference.
In response to Rachel, I think it is easier to start finding fault with your spouse when you are around people who constantly complain about theirs. I had a friend who went through complaining and then separation, and finally divorce. I began to notice that I was starting to resent things about my husband too. Although I wanted to support her, it was a relief when she had to get a job and I wasn’t around her. I watched her kids for awhile to help out during the summer, but was relieved when school started and I didn’t have to anymore. The younger child was acting out and taking it out on my kids too. When my kids were older and started to get to the point of serious relationships, I encouraged them to look at the relationships of their boyfriends’ parents. So far they’ve gone for guys whose parents have remained married and happy. I do believe that kids whose parents divorce learn that if a marriage starts to go awry, divorce is an easy solution instead of working out problems. My husband and I don’t agree on everything, but we respect each other, try not to fight in front of the kids, and try to overlook each other’s small annoyances. (Although I still can’t understand how hard it is to put one’s glass and plate in the dishwasher oneself!!.)
I understand not wanting to be an occasion for people to believe family size should be limited. My wife and I are probably the only people my parents know who don’t contracept. We had two children back to back and they always asked us at that point if we would be “stopping for a while.” I always tried to make clear that we intended to space the next child a bit…using NFP. I can’t bear the thought that anyone would believe (perhaps smugly) that the only NFP-practicing couple they know gave up on it after two kids. That would validate every negative belief they have about NFP.
Careful, Maureen—you’re “spouse grousing”! :-)
Seriously, I like the Christina’s characterization of “spouse grousing” as the germ that spreads the contagion. To carry the medical analogy further, then Rachel and Maureen’s point is that we have to isolate ourselves from the germs!
One great way to do that (for men, at least), as I’ve found, is to make sure that your parish has a Knights of Columbus council. Admission requires being a practical Catholic (accepts the teaching authority of the church, aspires to follow the precepts of the church, and is in good standing with the church) in union with the Holy See. So far I have found that those men willing to accept those requirements are good men to “hang out” with. “Cafeteria” and “cultural” Catholics are typically NOT going to join.
I don’t know if there is a corresponding women’s group with such restrictions on admission.
Sadly, I find that most of the “Christian” section ends up being self-help stuff splashed with a bit of Scripture. Loving the neighbor is even less in fashion than we think!
Except for Eric, the meaning of whose post is unclear, every commentator deserves an A+. It has long been the case that we do need to hang with and learn from, solidly married folks.
Research also shows that weight is influenced by our cluster of friends. It also showed that if you leave your overweight friends, you may still become over weight! What is that saying, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future” ?
I don’t know if divorce is contagious, but dance fever sure is!
“(Although I still can’t understand how hard it is to put one’s glass and plate in the dishwasher oneself!!.)”.
It’s a guy thing. It delays getting back to the game, and other serious activities.
The infectiousness of divorce is easy to understand. The divorce[e] is suffering misery, which loves company. And envy.
@Jeremy it is very important that you choose a competent, caring and effective family lawyer to have success let me recommend http://bit.ly/bluYTI check out when you get a chance.. and good luck.
My husband isn’t able to put things in the dishwasher either, but I don’t care. I get up at 5 am with him make him coffee and his lunch, before he leaves a short time later to drive to work. I work from home, so I guess it makes things easier, but the house is always clean and I always do home cooked meals. After spending 3-4 hours on the freeway a day for work to give us a nice life, it’s the least I can do for him. Having said that he will vacuum the house or do the washing if I don’t get to it. We’ve been married 22 years, and known each other 29. He’s a good man, possibly I could do better but possibly he could too, and I have no need to find out. If it’s not broke don’t fix it.
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