Among the many reflections that may come out of the Newtown, Conn., tragedy is how at risk children are more at risk without a father to guide them.
My two oldest boys are teenagers now. I bought them The Dangerous Book for Boys some years back. I wondered what a good follow-up book could be. I was disappointed that Brad Miner’s The Compleat Gentleman, which I should have bought when it came out, isn’t easy to find and is now a pretty expensive book. I want my boys to be warriors for the good, and respectful and protective toward women, and scholars and, — why not dream big — great saints for the Church. I try to give example, and fail, and pray and try again. I cannot imagine raising kids without my bride, nor could I imagine how hard it would be for her to do it alone.
One of the most chilling things I read after the Newtown tragedy was Liza Long’s blog post “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother,” which has been shared and downloaded and commented on countless times this week. The post set off a storm of its own, with many people sympathizing and others attacking.
I am not going to address any of that. I am just going to make an observation. The authors of so many of the comments of those who were encouraged to break their silence and found in Liza Long a solidarity in suffering are single moms. Moms raising kids alone, moms raising kids with special needs in special circumstances. These moms are heroic. But I still ask myself where the dads are.
It has been reported that Adam Lanza’s own father, Peter, had no contact with his son since 2010. Adam cut off contact with his father after he began dating someone new. No contact with a father from age 17/18 to 20. No model of manhood other than video games or the media.
There was another report that, as of Dec. 18, the bodies of Adam Lanza and his mother had not been claimed yet. I know we are dealing with a man in grief here, but it is time to step up.
Boys at risk need extra attention, not less. And dads here are key. My experience as a high school teacher taught me that kids labeled as “outcasts” at school general fulfill a role they already live at home. Dads here again are key.
It is already well documented that boys who grow up fatherless can often be violent. (The statistics in David Blankenhorn’s Fatherless America are still chilling, and his predictions from 15 years ago seem to be coming true.)
Maybe moms who are left doing so much heavy lifting sublimate a lot of anger. And maybe women have guns when they feel that no one will protect them, whether dad lives at home or not.
Let the conversations about firearms and mental health continue. But let’s not stop there. If we dads examine ourselves deeply, we can recommit ourselves not only to being providers, but models of true manhood for our sons. Men who are warriors for the good and full partners in parenting. The most dangerous book for boys is the one where complete gentlemen are hard to find.
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I am shoked with the last parte of the story,so many damage made by one person!! I will always pray and think of those wonderful parents who lost their kids in hands of a crazy man with crazy parents…
The one place where a fatherless kid can find Father is the Church.
No, wait, even the Church is helplessly feminized - from nun administrators with more power than priests to feminized liturgical music, altar girls, women lectors, Extraordinary ministers of the Eucharists, catechists, etc. Where’s a boy to go to find Dad?
Marie - A boy ought to be able to find his dad at home. The Church is a great institution to bring us God’s love. And God does act as a father… but he also acts as a mother. Women have a very real role to play in the Church - let’s not try to make up for society’s lack of fathers by excluding women from their valuable roles within the Church.
Sorry…
should have said “God does act as a father… but *God* also acts as a mother.”
Calling God “he” helps me to be familiar with my heavenly father, but it doesn’t reflect the reality that God exists beyond the limitations of gender definitions.
I so appreciate your vision of your sons becoming complete gentlemen and even great saints. Men of honor. Protective of women, not exploitative of anyone. Thank you for articulating that great need in our culture. I will pray with you for that need to be met.
Both husband and wife are responsible for keeping marriage vows.
Cheers
Gene Henley
It was reported early on that Adam Lanza and his mother were parishioners at St. Rose of Lima church in Newtown, Ct. It was mentioned once or twice more and then nothing. I can’t understand why that is. The thought of them attending weekly Mass is terribly disturbing to me.
My Dad died when I was six months old. My Mother never remarried and raised my three older brothers on her own. She was a clerical employee for most of my life. We were the poorest people in our neighborhood and the only boys who did not have a Father in the home—which really means that my Mother was “missing” a lot too, either at her job or working on household chores. Once the Dad of a friend of mine took me to a father/son breakfast and another man intervened when I was about to go to jail. Stepping up like that, for me back then, helped me know kindness and made me feel someone cared: I think those two men knew there was a missing piece in my life. Reaching out like that is something Dad’s and other good men can to to help alienated kids. Tink about it
All great comments! It is sad that our society undervalues dads so much. For example, most TV dads are bumbling idiots who need to be rescued by their wives, who criticize them openly in front of friends and even the children.
Let’s keep the conversation going inside and outside the Church!
My daughter sent me the link for “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother,” with the note that it reminded her of growing up in our house, with her brother. When I read it, I had chills. If my husband had not been a strong presence in our home, I could easily be in the ground today, like Nancy Lanza. All the good parenting, faith training, and nice schools don’t make a lot of difference when your child has a mental illness. It took the strength and fortitude of a father to keep our son somewhat on track, and protect me and our other children. He needed both parents. It took my willingness to seek out all the outside help I could find, to be present at home, to help our other children deal with their brother. I am so grateful for my husband’s commitment to supporting our family so that I could do that part. Whenever there is news about one of these young men committing a violent act, we look at each other and say, “But for the grace of God, there go we.” My heart breaks for Nancy Lanza, trying to deal with Adam alone. May God rest her soul.
My husband died of cancer 4 years ago when our son was barely 15. I was terrified of raising my son thru teenage years alone - but we were never alone. Our home parish is a blessing and the men of the parish - many friends of my husband, reached out to my son in countless ways. We are forever grateful.
My son is now 20 and at a faithful Catholic college. We are kindred spirits with you, as he has the Dangerous Book for Boys and I bought The Compleat Gentlemen for him - which he never read! I would be happy to send it to you, if you’d like…
Kids DO need fathers - GOOD fathers. My son had a learning disability and didn’t do well in school. I took him to a doctor and learning center recommended by a catholic friend and school teacher. He was doing fine but my husband openly ridiculed the Dr.and helped my son to do opposite of what we were told. Our daughters suffered too by his “hands”.
Lack of self confidence was his problem. We need to instill in all our kids that they are worth something and just as good as anyone else. As they grew older and we were apart, they could see what happened to them.
Have your children go to a good marriage councilor BEFORE they choose a mate.
Anyone who “came of age” in the Golden Age of Venal Stupidity, the 1960’s heard the mantra that men were superfluous. Their only function was to donate cellular material in acts of “liberated love.” Now many men feel that they have the right to mate like irresponsible beasts and that they can leave or stay and be as abusive as they wish. This is not God’s plan. It is the plan of someone else, and those who follow that latter plan only destroy souls and lives.
Thank God for the men who act like men as God wants them to be. Their wives, their children and the whole world are blessed by them.
As a priest and high-school educator, I believe you’ve hit the proverbial nail on the head. Sadly, we are reaping the fruits of fatherlessness in a culture which has given a free pass to men, who behave like boys, to continue down this perilous path at the risk of so many. As a celibate, I recognize many could criticize us priests since we are not part of the ‘home of the brave’ like our married brothers but are told we live in the ‘land of the free’. However, i greatly appreciate the heroic witness of so many faithfully married fathers who extend their all to forming our future generations. You guys are great - what courage, what conviction, what wholehearted love it takes. Thanks for your saintly witness. We poor priests need and depend upon it!
Research shows H-U-G-E difference between ‘deceased’ fathers and ‘absent’ fathers. Especially heroic deceased (soldiers/police/firemen); these children generally do well. So those of you who have lost loved ones, have faith! Of course the rest of us need to keep praying, and supporting families without fathers, and become better fathers ourselves. The #1 indicator of children continuing in the faith? How much their father showed/taught the faith!
May God have mercy on us all.
Men are worthwhile for their own sake, and not just what they do for women and children.
Great column, followed by many thoughtful comments. For those open to more info and concrete suggestions for fathers as they parent their sons and daughters, I recommmend Dr. Meg Meeker’s books: http://www.amazon.com/Meg-Meeker/e/B00913IUMM
May God strengthen men in their efforts to become Saints! Amen.
Fathers are outlaws in the family court system. The states get paid in the hundreds of millions annually if they collect the magic amount of child support. The judges,and all the court system get their hands on the graft. Stephen Baskerville’s book, “Taken Into Custody” is a tour de force on the “state” taking fathers from their children by fiat. Unless and until you get to the “source” of the problem, you are never going to solve “fatherlessness”. This is a worldwide issue now. It is literally a criminal act for many fathers to be involved in their children’s lives one day, and the day before he was the loving father society expected him to be. What changed in the 24 hour period? “See women iniated divorce” 90 % of the time in all studies.
I went to a father’s group in Texas (just north of Fort Hood) where some ex-military west pointer gave some real eye-opening comments. He basically said that the current Divorce process, legislation, court system and military is all one scheme that was put in play around early 1960‘s. It was put in place for the Vietnam War, that’s when the divorce’s started to sky-rocket across the country (Google statistics). That in addition it was also designed to be one huge cash-cow to lure greedy lawyers to facilitate and destroy more families on the civilian side to get enough statistics to make it comparable to the military statistics. However the military numbers are still much higher. That is why they then modified the scheme to use on police nationwide to raise the civilian stats. It is designed to send single male soldiers to war and deny ex-wives any financial support that was initially and may still be coming from the military/ pentagon’s money pockets. To the military, the soldiers wives are expendable as are the soldiers and also their children! Less money the military spends on wives, kids, ex-soldiers, etc the less they have for their drones, guns, or bullets. The scheme is very very complicated but based on very slow very subtle psy-ops brainwashing tactics. He said that any Freedom of Information request will gradually reveal key pieces of data that when analyzed together with confirm all this. This the reason why the pentagon does not want to release documents related to divorce. Part of the even bigger Military-Industrial complex.
Basically makes wives and soldier fight and hate each other. The media contributes to the fear mongering and makes things worst. Fear (PTSD etc) makes women fear for their safety thus they then go pleading to the oh so willing authorities who provide them with military issued cookie cutter divorce packets to take to a civilian lawyer. They do this to hide where the process initially starts.
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